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metafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-03 12:50 pm
metafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-03 12:43 pmmetafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-03 12:21 pmmetafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-03 10:59 ammetafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-03 07:25 amaskamanager_feed) wrote2025-09-03 04:03 amIt’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Should I do anything about an abusive phone conversation I overheard?
Where I work, we have a few departments sharing the same floor of a main administrative building, and I’ve gotten friendly with many of my colleagues. One of them, let’s call her Jane, seems like the most mild-mannered woman in the world, and she struck me as genuinely kind, if quiet and reserved. We’ll say hi and are friendly, but I know nothing about her family or home situation.
The other day, I was returning from lunch and overheard her in the hall having a very angry conversation on the phone. She was hurling insults, calling the person “demented,” “idiot,” and “fucking liar” multiple times, and her tone was genuinely frightening. She also said she was “going to start taking away your food,” which after reflection gave me concerns that this person has a dependent relationship with her, most likely her child but maybe a vulnerable elder.
Most times, I would simply ignore someone having an argument as none of my business, and I haven’t said anything to anyone yet because it took me a few days to process the situation. But it’s now sinking in that the conversation was the definition of verbal abuse, and I’m worried about possible physical abuse happening in the form of withholding food, not to mention the questions it raises about what happens and how she behaves towards this person when she’s NOT at work. Should I report my concerns to HR? Best practice is usually mind your own business, but does what I heard cross the line into something reportable, acknowledging I have zero context on the conversation?
That’s a horrible way to talk to anyone, even leaving the food comment out of it, and I can see why you were alarmed.
But you don’t have enough context to know what this was about. For all we know, “I’m going to start taking away your food” was a response to her partner trying to restrict what she eats or continually taking the lunches she packs her herself (so it was a tit-for-tat thing — still not good, but not an indication of abuse toward a dependent).
I know that’s a really unsatisfying answer because maybe there is a dependent involved and it’s more like what you’re worried about. There’s just not enough info here to know or to make it something HR could act on. I think you’ve just got to accept that you overheard something disturbing but that it’s not something you can read enough into.
2. Can I shut down Harry Potter talk at work?
I work in an office with a bunch of nerds. Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, you name it, we’ve nerded and bonded over it together.
For a lot of people, this unfortunately still includes Harry Potter. I’ve been able to dismiss it when it’s brought up to me, I can change the topic to something else, but with the new audiobook adaptation and the show, the conversation is cranked up to a 10 again. And honestly, I feel like a bad ally for not just outright saying, “She’s a dangerous gender extremist who is actively trying to take away trans rights.”
I’m a queer person in an office with a lot of cishet people. I’m always afraid I’ll be accused of shoving politics down someone’s throat, but dammit this is important. My spouse is under the trans umbrella, and many people I love and care about are trans. It makes something that’s already really important really personal, and I just get so enraged any time JKR or Harry Potter are brought up. Is there a professional way to shut this topic down?
Not really, I’m sorry! People are allowed to talk at work about books and other media produced by even deeply problematic people. It would be different if the media itself were work-inappropriate (like if they were talking about erotica or something else obviously not safe for work), but this isn’t in that category.
However, while you can’t insist on shutting it down, you can absolutely say, “She’s doing an enormous amount of harm to people I care about” or any other formulation you want to use to express your own opinion (including, potentially, “This is rough for me to hear because she’s actively working to harm people, so I’d be grateful if you took that into account when I’m around”).
3. Will I be unhireable if I do a naked bike ride?
I’m wondering what your thoughts are regarding an employee’s personal life during the hiring process. With the existence of facial recognition technology and employers searching candidates online, it’s hard to feel like I can live my life anymore and still get a job.
I’m a very professional person, but there’s one thing I’ve always wanted to do and I want to do it next year. I want to ride in the World Naked Bike Ride. Unfortunately for me, many of the riders get photographed during the ride and nude pictures of them get posted online. Personally, this doesn’t bother me in any way whatsoever. My worry, though, is that if a future employer finds a nude picture of me from the ride during the hiring process, I will not get a job and become unemployable at large and never have a good career.
Part of me thinks employers won’t care, especially since I am not in a particularly sensitive field. I am a pastry chef. Should I just do the ride and live my life? I don’t think most employers use facial recognition technology anyways so if a picture is untagged I should be okay!? I also have a bad habit of overthinking. Also, I must mention that I won’t be taking pictures of myself or posting any on my social media. Do you think if I did the ride that I would be okay and still be able to have a good career? I do also feel that things have changed in the past 10 years and that nudity is largely accepted now for non-sensitive professions. What is your opinion on all this and what advice would you have for someone who wants to do something like this?
Do the ride and live your life. Employers do google candidates, but the vast, vast majority are not using facial recognition technology (in fact, I’d guess none of them are). If somehow a photo is connected to you anyhow, it’s very unlikely to be an issue in your line of work.
Go enjoy the ride.
4. Boss wants my vacation photos
Prior to my vacation, my boss’s boss kept asking what I planned to do during my time off. I was always sort of vague for no particular reason. Now that I’m back, they keep asking me to share vacation photos with the team. It makes me uncomfortable. Is this appropriate? How can I nicely tell them no?
Just say you didn’t take any photos! Or if it’s too late for that: “I had to reset my phone and lost a bunch of photos.”
5. Should I wait a year to apply internally again or start searching outside my company?
After working in my field for nearly five years, I am eager to move into an adjacent type of work, let’s say teapot design. Recently a position opened at my company for a junior teapot engineer. I was very open with the director of the design team and the lead engineer about my interest in joining the team, and my boss was supportive of my applying (I had been advised to inform him of my interest and application). I was told I the job would be mine unless someone with more experience applied.
Lo and behold, someone with more experience did apply. It’s unsurprising, the job market for entry-level engineers is very tight right now and I do not have any actual design experience, but it is disappointing. I was told to reapply when they post a new entry-level position, likely in a year, as they would be more open to someone with no experience, but I was also warned how difficult it is to get an engineering job when you don’t have design experience (or a masters degree, although the new hire does not have one either). But they did say I was the best internal candidate. How much should I believe what they say? Is it worthwhile to stay and try again next year, or should I start looking for greener pastures?
You should assume there’s no guarantee that you’ll get the job in a year. They may not post it at all, their needs may change by then, someone stronger could appear, the person who made you the promise could be replaced by someone who views it differently, and on and on. So while it’s good to know that possibility is there, you should assume it’s not a very solid one. If it doesn’t come to fruition next year and you’ll wish that you had started job searching sooner, do that now.
The post I overheard a horrible phone call, will I be unhireable if I do a naked bike ride, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
metafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-03 01:48 ammetafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-03 01:11 ammetafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-02 11:17 pmmetafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-02 07:57 pmaskamanager_feed) wrote2025-09-02 05:59 pmA reader writes:
I am a woman in my 30s and I work with the public at a senior center. I do my best to maintain a friendly but professional presence with the center’s guests. Sometimes guests surprise me with a hug. I don’t hug back and try to step away quickly when they let me go, but I don’t make a big deal of it or say anything.
It’s men and women alike, usually in their 70s, 80s, or 90s, and nobody seems to be creepy or gropey about it. I try to be empathetic; some of the folks who hug me are very lonely, with not many close family members. In some cases, they might have a condition that can affect their judgment of what is appropriate. I am happy to be a good listener and point to the resources and activities that are available at the senior center. But regardless of the guest’s situation, I don’t think it’s my job to accept unwelcome touch.
I don’t want to come down too hard on a lonely, friendly person, and I don’t like to think of myself as frigid or unwelcoming. But, I need to reinforce my personal/professional space bubble. Do you have a script or any advice for this situation?
“Oh, I’m not a hugger but it’s so nice to see you!” Or “I’m not a hugger but I’m so glad for the chance to talk to you” or whatever makes sense for the situation — basically “I’m not a hugger” followed immediately by something positive to demonstrate warmth in a different way.
That said, the reality of this job is that you may get some people who want to override your preferences and insist on hugging you anyway, because generational norms on unwanted touch have really changed over the years and not everyone has realized that, and particularly when you’re dealing with people with cognitive issues.
Related:
hugging at work: okay or not okay?
The post how can I fend off unwanted hugs at work? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
metafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-02 05:18 pmmetafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-02 04:34 pmmetafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-02 04:21 pmaskamanager_feed) wrote2025-09-02 04:29 pmWith layoffs in the U.S. surging (in July, they reached their highest level since the early months of the pandemic), you might be wondering if you’d receive severance pay if it happened to you. If you do get laid off, ideally that wouldn’t be the first time you think about severance pay; you want to go into any negotiation about pay already armed with some basic facts.
At The Cut today, I’ve rounded up some common questions and answers about severance pay and how to get it. You can read it here.
The post how does severance pay work when you’re laid off or fired? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
askamanager_feed) wrote2025-09-02 02:59 pmA reader writes:
I’ve been with my company for about three years and in my current department for two. In March, I moved to a new position in my same department after my previous supervisor said I was one of his best performers.
But then I got really sick and other things went wrong (such as my spouse having a car accident), and I ended up getting really, really behind. It didn’t help that my doctor refused to fill out FMLA paperwork because he hates paperwork.
Ever since then, I feel like everything that can go wrong has, but all my new supervisor can see is me making excuses for why I’m not caught up yet. She’s repeatedly told me that this is not the performance she expected from me, but I am literally fighting tooth and nail to get caught up. I’ve taking to using energy drinks and nicotine pouches every day to force myself to stay awake, and working the rest of the time to get my work done. I’m not even spending time with my family, and I am constantly stressed to the point of tears because I am so frazzled and so scared of losing my job.
She has gone from being really sweet and kind (telling me to feel better if I have a migraine) to rather cold and short (one-word answers or a thumbs-up). I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job at a company I love, but I also have no idea how to recover this relationship once I’m back where I need to be (and hopefully ahead like I usually was).
I already have a sincere apology planned when I am back in line, but what else should I do? How can I recover this relationship?
First, can you talk to your old supervisor about what’s been going on and share your concerns with him? Let him know you’ve had this perfect storm of crises in your personal life, it’s affected your work, and you’ve been working as hard as you can to get caught up but you get the sense that your new manager is really unhappy with you, and ask for his advice. The ideal outcome to that conversation would be that your old supervisor could talk to your new one, assure her that what’s been going on isn’t typical and is due to external events outside your control, and that if she can give you some grace to get through this period, she’s likely to be really happy with your work. In fact, if he doesn’t offer that, you could explicitly ask if he’d be willing to do that.
Second, talk to your new manager yourself. You said you’re planning to do that once everything is more under control, but you should do it right away — because the sooner you try to reframe things for her, the better. Say that you’ve had multiple things go wrong outside of work, you’re dismayed by how it’s affected your job, and you have been working as hard as you can to get everything under control, and ask for some grace to get through this period. You can even say something like, “I think if you talk to OldManager, he’ll tell you this isn’t typical for me at all.”
Ideally, you’d also ask for her help in figuring out a more realistic approach to getting things back on track. Yes, it’s important to get caught up, but only within reasonable human limits; it shouldn’t mean needing nicotine patches, not seeing your family, or always being stressed to the verge of tears (and that approach is likely to backfire at some point anyway because you’re not going to be in the right state to do strong work). A good manager would look at what’s happened, see where you are and what still needs to be done, and work with you to come up with a plan to get caught up without coming at the expense of your mental or physical health.
Caveat: that’s what a good manager would do. I don’t know whether yours falls in that category or not. It’s true that this is harder for both of you because you’re new (which means there’s no existing bank of capital and credibility that would be built up if you had worked for her for longer before this all happened), but her being short and cold and telling you repeatedly that this isn’t the work she expected from you (without offering any support, it sounds like?) … aren’t great marks in her favor. So part of me also wonders if returning to your previous supervisor is an option, if a candid conversation like the one I described above doesn’t help things.
The post how do I repair my relationship with my new manager after a series of personal crises? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
metafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-02 01:40 pmmetafilter_feed) wrote2025-09-02 12:18 pm