should you hire employees to babysit, locker room etiquette when your gym is full of coworkers, and
I’m off today. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.
1. Should you hire employees to babysit?
I help supervise a group of about 20 student workers at a college. Most of them know I have a one-year-old and some of them really love babies (I sometimes bring him by during my non-work hours briefly to make their day). I’ve had at least two workers tell me they’d love to babysit. They’re good responsible workers, but I’ve been uncertain as to the advisability of that and haven’t followed up on their offers. This is likely to come up again as new students come in and learn I have a child. My gut says that babysitting (while paid) is more personal than a typical employment relationship and could blur professional boundaries or lead to an appearance of favoritism, so I should just kindly thank them for the offer and say we’re all set in that department. Is that the right call or am I overthinking this?
People sometimes do this and it’s fine, but if it goes wrong, it can be disastrous. For example, if you hire one of them and there are problems with their care of your child (say you find out they’ve been negligent or cruel), would you be able to keep that from affecting things at work? What if you have a dispute over pay? Are you comfortable leaving them unattended in your home? And you’ve also got to consider the power dynamics; even though they’re volunteering, there’s a risk they’d still feel obligated to say yes when you ask (or that they’ll be happy to do it once or twice but feel pressured after that). It can also make other workers wonder if you favor or give special access to the people who sit for you.
Some people do this and make it work, but if you want to play it safe, it’s wiser not to cross the streams.
– 2020
2. Locker room etiquette when your gym is full of coworkers
My office recently added some cool new perks on top of our employee benefits. My favorite? They’re now offering anyone who wants it a free membership to the gym right across the street from our office. It’s been hard for me to work out previously because of my commute, so I’ve been taking full advantage of this perk since it took effect a couple months ago. Lots of my other coworkers have jumped on this perk as well, and I’ll run into them at the gym frequently. Overall, it’s been positive, but there’s one thing I don’t know how to handle — the locker rooms.
I’m pretty comfortable in my body, and I’m not that awkward about changing in your standard locker room full of strangers. But the prospect of a coworker — or worse, my boss — walking in on me changing has me feeling incredibly awkward. So far, I haven’t been seen by my coworkers while changing and haven’t walked in on anyone else from my office, but I know it’s only a matter of time. This is a situation I’ve never encountered before — I didn’t know anyone who worked out at my previous gyms. What should I do if I run into a coworker in the locker room while one or both of us are in various states of undress? Should I just change in the toilet stalls to avoid anyone seeing me? I might be making a bigger deal of this in my head than it actually is, but it has me feeling really uncomfortable.
It’s pretty much the same locker room code as always: There’s a collective agreement to ignore everyone else’s nudity.
The last time this came up, a commenter offered this, which I really liked:
“I think there’s a big difference between functional nudity and casual nudity at the gym. Functional = in order to change, I have to take off my clothes. I am no longer 12 and trying to hide my body at all costs, so if someone glances over at me while I am changing, they will see me naked. Casual nudity = I am wandering around naked, blow drying my hair naked, etc. This is fine generally in a locker room, but is best to avoid at a work gym. Though I would totally blow dry my hair wearing a bra and not a shirt to avoid getting hot/sweaty.”
In other words, make any nudity fairly quick. Don’t linger.
But it’s also completely fine to decide you’re just not comfortable with locker room nudity around coworkers at all and change in a stall. There’s no shame in that; you’re not being weirdly prudish if you got that route.
– 2019
3. Is it unprofessional to brush my hair in common areas of my workplace?
I am an assistant manager, and today something weird happened. I did not get to finish my normal routine this morning as I had to go to the UPS store (for work) so I showed up to work with my hairbrush. I work at a preschool and typically, by the time I arrive to work, there are no parents here as they have all dropped off their kids and left. I walked around to say good morning to the teachers and collect breakfast dishes as normal, but I brought my hair brush along and brushed my hair as I was walking between the classrooms.
The manager above me made a point to rush up to me and tell me I need to do my beauty stuff in the bathroom. I was confused by this as I thought she meant the makeup in my purse but no, she explained that me brushing my hair was unprofessional. I am young, so maybe this is just a rule on professionalism I have never heard before. I am just confused. This was pretty much a one-time thing, and not a habit I have. Is it really all that unprofessional in this otherwise rather relaxed atmosphere for a work setting?
Yeah, there’s an etiquette rule about not doing personal grooming in public. Some workplaces might not have thought it was a big deal, and it’s not the biggest deal in the world, but it’s also not outlandish for your manager to ask you not to do it. (It’s also the kind of thing that can be frowned upon without anyone telling you, so it’s good that she did. She might have done that because you’re young and she figured that you’re still learning professional norms.)
– 2019
4. I accidentally sent a highly personal medical email to someone who reports to me
I am currently on maternity leave and will return to work in a couple of months. While I’ve been out, I’ve emailed my team at work a few times with baby updates and replied to anyone personally saying hello, all from my personal email as I no longer have access to my work email.
Yesterday, I sent an unrelated and angry email about a very personal medical matter to a person on my team by accident. This person reports to me. The first three letters of her name in her email are the same three letters of the person I was trying to email instead, so you can see how I sent this by accident and this worker’s email was saved because of the above previous correspondence while I’ve been off.
It was only caught because the worker emailed me back acknowledging this wasn’t meant for her. I’m mortified. How can I save face? All I’ve done so far is email her back thanking her, apologizing, and stating that I trust her to keep this between us because of the personal nature. Is this all I can do and never speak of it again?
Yes! You handled it well. If she’s at all a decent person, she’ll understand that this kind of mistake happens and will keep it to herself. We’ve all been there with a misdirected email at some point or another, and most people are sympathetic when it happens.
You don’t need to take any further action; anything more would be belaboring the point and focusing her on it more. Assume you’ll both wipe it from your minds and never speak of it again.
– 2019
5. How to bring up experience at an interview that I forgot to mention on my resume
I’m returning to work after doing a postgraduate degree. I’ve got an interview coming up, and in the course of prepping for it I realized that one of the projects from the job I had before going back to study is in a really closely related area to the role I’m interviewing for. The problem is that I hadn’t mentioned that project in either my cover letter or my CV when applying. Obviously I want to bring up this relevant experience in the interview, but what’s the best way to frame it in a way that is more “this candidate has useful experience” and less “this candidate didn’t fully think through their application”?
Just be matter-of-fact about it! “I realized one of the projects I did at Job X might be relevant here. It’s not on my resume, but (details about the project).” No reasonable interviewer is going to think not including it originally means you’re flighty or thoughtless. Interviewers know lots of people use the same basic resume for all the jobs they apply for, and they also know humans will not always instantly realize precisely how relevant something might be to a job they’re not terribly familiar with yet.
I’ve interviewed many candidates where I thought, “Oh! That’s really relevant — I’m glad you mentioned it.” Sometimes I’ve even thought, “Oooh, you should include that on your resume! It’ll help you!” But I’ve never thought, “What kind of doofus didn’t write this down originally?”
– 2020
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秋晴れの庭。The garden with clear autumn weather.
I got an abusive message from an email subscriber — should I let his employer know?
A reader writes:
I run outbound marketing for a tech startup serving founders and salespeople. We often send promotional/announcement emails from my email address to subscribers who have opted in to receive our updates.
We recently sent a very harmless and innocuous announcement message, to which I received the following reply: “Why the FUCK am I getting this email”
The message was from a personal Gmail account and included the sender’s cell phone number. A quick LinkedIn search revealed that the sender is employed at a major financial services firm as a personal wealth advisor (investment manager) for high net worth individuals.
What he doesn’t know is, I’m a client of his firm. While he is not my investment advisor, one of his colleagues is, and his unreasonable reply — in response to a message he opted in to receive — honestly makes me reconsider my business relationship with the firm. If they employ someone who casually exhibits this degree of unprofessionalism, especially when it took more time to send an abusive reply than it would have to just … delete the email and never think of it again (even deleting and unsubscribing would have taken less time!), it undermines my trust in their ability to manage my money.
So my question is, should I make someone at the firm aware of his behavior? I could let my own investment manager know, but I’m not sure what he would do about it, other than directing me to someone higher up in the organization. Blasting this guy publicly on LinkedIn isn’t really my style, but a world in which someone can be disproportionately abusive in response to a low-stakes “problem” like a marketing email is not one I want to live in, let alone support by giving them my business. I also understand the logic of letting it go, especially given that the reply came from his personal email address, but it’s really made me mad and I don’t want his conduct to go unacknowledged because acting like it’s okay when it clearly isn’t feels like a tacit endorsement. Should I let his employer know?
Nah, let it go. They won’t care.
I’d argue you shouldn’t really care either. A ton of people forget they’ve subscribed to email lists and then send rude responses when they’re annoyed to receive what they think is spam, not realizing they opted in. Is it rude and, frankly, fruitless? Yes, absolutely. Is it something his employer will care about? Probably not. Will it look extremely strange to contact them about it? Yes.
I don’t want to imply that we should accept casual rudeness as the norm. We shouldn’t! But you’re also kind of overreacting to it in this case. He thought it was spam, he was annoyed and, yes, his response was over the top, but your response to it is also pretty disproportionate.
If this guy were your investment manager, I could see caring a little more — like who is this hothead I have managing my money and how else does he behave when he thinks he’s anonymous? But you’re far enough removed from him that you should just delete his reply and not give it any additional thought. (Or at most, you could reply to say, “You received this message because you opted into our mailing list. I’ll remove you.” But nothing beyond that.)
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my employee might be working a second job during our workday
A reader writes:
I recently took over managing a team, and have some concerns about one of my employees, John, who was hired by my predecessor. He is pretty good at what he does, but he is super slow at producing finished work. He rarely meets deadlines and if I don’t micromanage him every step of the way on a project, it won’t get done.
At first I assumed he just had too much on his plate, so I’ve taken over a decent chunk of his work and made sure that everyone else on staff keeps me in the loop when they need his help. So now I know exactly what’s on his plate and how long it should take to do it – and he takes much longer than he should on most tasks.
I’ve been trying to figure out why he is so slow, and lately I’ve started wondering if he is working on his side gig during our office hours. We work remotely so I can’t see what he is doing, but I’ve noticed he will send me work first thing in the morning and then later in the evening. I won’t hear from him for hours on end during the 9-5, but the work he sends me in the evening is something that should take an hour or so to finish, not all day.
He does have an agency that he founded and works for on the side, so my theory is that he is working on that and then scrambling to get some of his actual work done before the end of the day. How can I have this conversation with him without accusing him and how can I make sure he is actually doing his work without micromanaging him?
I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.
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