Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/customers-talk-about-our-sizes-boss-doesnt-want-my-husband-to-visit-me-on-a-work-trip-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30769

I’m off today. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Customers talk about our sizes

This question is for my coworker, Jess. We both work at a women’s plus-size clothing retailer (national chain) in the midwest. I do wear some clothes from here, but to most, I probably do not look like the average plus-size person. Jess is a little larger than myself. This is unfortunately relevant because customers try to relate to Jess in such ways like “Oh! You have a big butt you can help me [pick out something that would look good with my own big butt]” or “Oh, you get it with how big your hips are!” or the most common: “I’d rather you help me due to your size!” And recently there are new skinny jeans, which we are supposed to be promoting, and when Jess tells customers about them, they laugh at her for presumably suggesting that plus-size women can wear skinny jeans. They also have complained to her about other people who work here due to their size, such as Andrea, who is very slim and petite, and even our store manager, who wears some things from the brand but is more my size in that she doesn’t necessarily “pass” as a plus-size women.

Apparently these comments have happened before to coworkers who have since left and would more fit in to the “plus-size” image. I asked Jess if there was a certain demographic who give her comments like this since she said that she can tell who will say these things. She said it was mainly women in their 40s-50s.

I have not had any of these comments made to me. These are obviously putting a mental strain on Jess and making a thankless retail job even harder. I do not think she has spoken with the store manager, so I will today and our district manager is also visiting.

It sounds to me like the “I’d rather you help me due to your size!” comments capture what’s going on — that your customers feel particularly comfortable with Jess since she’s closer in size to them. My hunch is that the comments stem from the camaraderie and relief of shopping somewhere that actually caters to them, unlike a lot of other stores that ignore the fact that people come in a range of sizes. I don’t know that there’s anything she or the store could do to stop that without making customers feel unwelcome; it sounds like it may come with the territory, unfortunately.

But the store should give you all some guidance about how to handle customers who complain about smaller-sized women working there, even if it’s just to say that you all love fashion, regardless of size. (They should have better messaging than I do, but I’d imagine it would be something along those lines.)

– 2017

2. My boss is super excited that a coworker’s sibling is on The Voice

I have a coworker whose sibling is on The Voice. Their boss has been sending out emails about voting and supporting the contestant through to the next round. I like this coworker a lot, but the emails are kind of grating. I have a lot of causes I’d love to get our staff’s support on, but don’t think it’s appropriate to make the ask. I also see that it’s a big deal, and they’re excited about (rightly so!). But it’s also a slippery slope to constant asks from folks all over about all kinds of things.

In sum, I can see how you could argue this both ways. Which way would you argue this?

Their boss may see this as a thing for you all to bond around, create camaraderie, etc. There would be a stronger argument for that if it was your coworker herself who was on the show; it gets more tenuous when it’s her sibling. Still, though, in some offices, this could be a fun thing that people legitimately get into. And it’s unusual enough (in terms of the difficulty in getting on the show, and how high-profile it is) that I think your boss could reasonably feel like this isn’t opening the door to a cascade of more mundane requests. So I don’t think it’s outrageous that your boss is making it into such a thing (assuming, of course, that she’s not sending multiple emails a day about it).

That said, it’s potentially setting people up to feel like their own achievements aren’t given the same recognition as the achievements of someone who doesn’t even work there, and that’s something your boss should be sensitive to.

– 2018

3. My boss doesn’t seem to want my husband to visit me on a work trip

I recently started a new job (I’m in my second week). I relocated, and my husband and dog stayed behind for now. Come to find out I’m being sent on a work trip VERY close to them, about a one-hour drive. The hotel I’m staying at is dog-friendly, so I called and checked if I could separately pay any fees associated with pets, and they said yes. I’m so excited to see them!

As soon as I knew it was possible for this to happen, I went to my boss, who will also be on the trip, and asked/told him that in my free time after work is done, my husband would like to come to the hotel with my dog to meet me and I’d pay any associated fees. He reacted … weirdly? He started saying he doesn’t want to feel rushed through the day because someone is waiting for me. I assured him this would not be the case. He then said next time I should ask first, which is what I thought I was doing. I’m feeling rather emotional because I really miss my little family, but I’m not sure if I overstepped some sort of unspoken line here. Please help!

Do you know what your schedule is likely to be on this trip? If you’re just working days and won’t have work commitments in the evening, it’s really not your boss’s business. On the other hand, if it’s the kind of trip where you might be expected to do informal networking in the evenings, I can see him feeling like this isn’t ideal — because sometimes there’s an expectation that you’ll make yourself available during business travel if something comes up, like if there’s an unexpected opportunity to take a client to dinner. Your boss may just be worried that you’ll be less open to that kind of thing … but if that’s the case, he should say something like, “Your husband is welcome to stay in your hotel room with you, but this is a trip where we may work odd hours and may end up making last-minute plans with the client for the evenings. So your evenings may not be your own, and I can’t promise you’ll be able to keep any evening plans you make ahead of time.” That may be what he was trying to convey, though.

In any case, I think you could go back to him now and say something like, “I wanted to clarify that my husband meeting me at the hotel won’t in any way affect my availability. I’m there to work first and foremost, and I’ll be available whatever hours you need me while we’re there.”

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

4. How much noise is too much in an open office when you’re on the phone a lot?

I have a job that requires a substantial amount of time on the phone (probably averaging 15-20 hours per week on the phone, including short unscheduled calls, long project meetings, and occasional webinars). I work in a space which is primarily open-style – I have my own cube but it’s only semi-enclosed so voices carry pretty effectively throughout the space. There are offices around the perimeter, including a few set aside as swing spaces. So, it would probably be *possible* for me to use a closed office for every pre-scheduled call, preventing any of my nearby colleagues from having to hear my side of the call, but I really don’t want to spend a third (or more) of my day in the small, dark anonymous swing-space cubicles, without my nice desk setup, personal items, etc. Closed office space is hard to come by, and the organizational culture dictates that these spaces are reserved for people in higher-level jobs than mine, which I understand and am fine with overall (although these higher-level folks don’t typically have jobs that require much or any phone work).

I know you’ve come out against open-plan offices for this reason (among many), and you’ve recommended that denizens of open-plan offices take long calls in a conference room, but do I really have to spend this much time sitting in a dark, isolated cube? (As you may be able to tell, I’m an extrovert and strongly dislike being confined to such a small, depressing space.) Currently, I use the sad swing-spaces only for long calls where I know I’ll be doing most of the talking/presenting, and I do try to use my “inside voice” on the calls I take in my regular space – but a lot of my job revolves around relationship maintenance, so some of my calls are pretty friendly, informal, and involve laughter, which I also worry might annoy my colleagues (though no one has ever said anything about any of this and it’s been two years). Can I get a blanket ruling on how much phone conversation is too much in an open-plan office? And I wonder if any of your commenters have advice on how they’ve handled this situation?

I should add that my role is unique in my office; no one else (in real offices or cubes) spends any appreciable amount of time on the phone or in conversation with each other. So it’s definitely not a case where everyone is doing it and everyone deals with it – it’s just me making the noise!

There’s not one blanket rule for how much conversation is too much in an open office. It really depends on office culture, and I was all set to tell you that I’d pay attention to how others handle their phone calls until I saw in your last paragraph that there’s no one in a comparable situation.

Because of that, you might have more of a case for getting a more private workspace than you would otherwise. I know your office reserves them for people who are higher level, but you could point out that you have a unique situation no one else is in, where you’re disturbing others all the time. They might say no, but it wouldn’t be outrageous to ask.

But if that’s off the table … no, I don’t think you have to spend one third of your time in a small, dark, anonymous space. But given how much time you’re on the phone, is there any chance you could improve one of those small, dark, anonymous spaces? Make it nicer and more comfortable, so it’s easier to spend time there? Otherwise, though, just talk to the people who sit around you, acknowledge the situation, say you hate thinking you’re disturbing them, and ask if there’s anything they want you to do differently. Who knows, maybe you’ll hear that they mostly tune you out, or that it’s fine most of the time but not 3-5 every Tuesday because that’s when they need quiet the most, or something else that you didn’t realize. I don’t know what you’ll hear, but ask them directly and then go from there.

– 2019

5. Employee asked for a higher raise than I think she earned

I have an employee whose yearly review I am working to wrap up. After the initial review, we usually discuss a raise, based on what was discussed in the review. We typically would expect a 2-5% raise for this person. I got an email from her requesting a 13.15% raise. I don’t understand why it ends in .15% (it won’t make her hourly rate an even number) and she would be paid more than other folks in this role. Her work is good but not great, and she has bounced from a few teams in the last year or so. Her long-time duties at the front desk have not changed, so she really has gained a few more hours of work each week with new teams to gain more experience. I am not sure what to tell her since this feels so out of left field.

Ask her how she came up with that number! Maybe there’s something you don’t realize that she’s factoring in.

But if you consider the request and decide it’s not one that makes sense to grant, then you’d say something like, “I can offer you a raise to $X, which is based on your work this year and in line with what we pay other people doing this work. To earn a larger raise, I’d be looking to see ____.” Fill in that blank with specifics about what type of performance would warrant a larger raise. If nothing would, be up-front about that too. Basically, you want to explain how you landed at the number you’re offering her and what, if anything, could earn her more in the future.

The “I’d be looking to see ___ from you” part is really important, because it helps her understand what good versus great looks like, how performance is rewarded, and what expectations are and aren’t realistic in this job. It’s also better to help someone understand the path to where they want to go (or that that path doesn’t exist in their current role) rather than just giving a flat no.

– 2019

The post customers talk about our sizes, boss doesn’t want my husband to visit me on a work trip, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/customers-talk-about-our-sizes-boss-doesnt-want-my-husband-to-visit-me-on-a-work-trip-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30769