Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/i-turned-down-a-job-offer-and-now-the-recruiter-is-invoicing-me-2.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=24848

I’m off today, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2014.

A reader writes:

I was in the awesome position of interviewing for two roles through recruitment agencies and receiving offers for both. Both roles were aware that I had another strong offer on the table, and negotiations started between myself and the two agencies.

As I was available immediately, both roles wanted me to start ASAP and had suggested start dates that were within a working week of the initial offer. Within a few days, I made my decision and I outlined my choice in an email to the recruiter of the role I was turning down.

The recruiter wanted to discuss the matter further and I declined. He indicated by email he was upset that I was turning down the role so close to the start date.

A month later, I received an invoice from the accounting team of the recruitment team – no other communication – just an invoice made out to me for $50 for a background check they had completed. I responded to the accounts team saying that I believed this cost was for their client, and as I had no relationship with them, it wasn’t an invoice for me personally (assuming it had been mistakenly sent to me as the subject of the background check).

The next day, I received an email from the recruiter directly, who informed me that as I had behaved unprofessionally and without integrity, as an act of good faith I should pay this “insignificant amount” rather than ask the (very large international) agency to absorb it.

I wanted to write a strongly worded response about my ideas of professionalism, but I am going to sit on it for a day or two. Ironically, if he had emailed me and outlined his point of view earlier – without attacking me – I probably would have paid the invoice out of feelings of guilt/good faith.

So am I obliged to pay this? And if I’m not obliged, should I pay it to save face professionally?

What the flying F?

Um, no, you should not pay this. Just like they should not pay for your interview suit or your time spent interviewing or the Xanax I will use to calm my slightly crazed laughter after reading this letter.

Background checks are a normal cost of doing business for recruiters. There are a few industries where applicants are expected to pay for their own (teaching can be one), but those are (a) rare and (b) disclosed ahead of time. That second part is the real tell here — you don’t spring costs on people after the fact that they never agreed to. That’s not how this stuff works. People have to agree to it up-front; you can’t decide to charge them later because you’re bitter.

This dude sent you an invoice in a weirdly misguided attempt to penalize you for turning down an offer (and losing him his commission). That’s unprofessional, hostile, and out of touch with what’s okay to do.

There’s nothing unprofessional about turning down an offer — and that goes double when you were totally up-front with him throughout your deliberations. You’re under no obligation to accept an offer (just like they were under no obligation to make you an offer).

He sucks, you have no obligation to pay this, and you certainly shouldn’t pay out of guilt or to save face. In fact, that would be the opposite of saving face — it would be agreeing that you’d done something wrong, when you haven’t.

Ignore the invoice, ignore his letter, and never work with this agency again. As for sending a letter back to him, I’d skip that entirely … but if you must send a response, send it to someone above him; there’s no need to engage with someone who has already demonstrated that he’s hostile and irrational.

Read an update to this letter here.

The post I turned down a job offer and now the recruiter is invoicing me appeared first on Ask a Manager.

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Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/how-can-i-be-more-assertive-at-work-2.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30568

I’m off today so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2017.

A reader writes:

Every since I was a small child I’ve been praised for how nice I am, how likable I am, how good I am with people. In many ways, this is a positive thing. I think of it as a skill that takes effort, but is very useful. However, as I’ve started working professionally I’ve run across a problem. I have a really hard time telling people when they are being awful. I can do normal job-related criticism fine – “please make sure you proofread for typos next time,” etc. – but when it comes to more emotionally turbulent conversations or anything with conflict, I completely freeze up. I have whole conversations ready to go in my head, but I can’t get them out because I know it will hurt people’s feelings and that goes against every fiber of my being, even though I know those people need their feelings to be hurt because they are being awful!

I want to move up in my field, and if I succeed in my goals I’ll end up being responsible for several hundred employees. Logically I know that even if people like me less in the moment, they’ll respect me more in the long run if I can have tough conversations and be firm when necessary, and the people that will resent me are people I don’t want to work with anyway, but how do I convince my mouth and my adrenaline that conflict isn’t something to be avoided?

For example, the last job I worked on, the supervisor directly above me either didn’t remember or didn’t care to know my name and instead called me “baby girl” the entire time. I thought about what to do and decided the next time he said it I would reply, “Actually it’s Jane,” which seemed like a clear shutdown without anyone who heard it being able to accuse me of overreacting as would happen if I said “that’s misogynistic, you asshole, enjoy dying alone with four ex wives who hate you,” which was my internal monologue. But when it happened, I just froze up, and couldn’t do it because my adrenaline started going crazy. How do I stop that or work through it and say what needs to be a said in a confident, non-panicky way without feeling like I’m going to die?

I work in an entry-level job a creative, heavily male-dominated field that is infamous for its sexism and its nepotism. It’s a giant part of the culture to rely on word of mouth, and hire people based on recommendations rather than resumes, so being liked and keeping professional relationships alive is a really important skillset, especially for a woman, but I don’t want to be treated like a doormat and I want to be a leader and it feels like this is holding me back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The crux of this is to figure out why calmly asserting yourself feels so rude to you.

It’s definitely true that lots of people have trouble navigating particularly awkward situations, but “hey, please call me Jane” is straightforward enough that the fact your adrenaline is firing so hard makes me think there’s something pretty deeply rooted happening here.

I’m curious about what type of communication you saw modeled in your family when you were growing up — and what lessons you learned about how you should talk to people. Any chance that the parent you identified most closely with wasn’t especially assertive on their own behalf either? Or that you were taught as a kid that things went more smoothly if you didn’t advocate for yourself? Or even that you were outright penalized for asserting yourself?

It might sound like overkill to suggest therapy, but what you’re describing speaks to fundamental ideas about your value and about what you are and aren’t allowed to bring to your interactions with other people. It might be worth digging into some of the underlying beliefs here with a therapist, who can help you figure out where you picked up these beliefs and how you can get rid of them.

But meanwhile — or if that sounds totally off-base to you — there are some concrete things you can do on your own as well.

First and foremost, it’s important to realize that the picture you have in your head of how these conversations will go is probably really different than how they’ll go in reality. Very, very few people are going to blow up if you say “Actually, please call me Jane” or “hey, can you turn your music down while I’m on this call?” Those aren’t inflammatory requests, and they’re not going to sound like attacks or like outrageously presumptuous demands. It might help to think about times you’ve seen other people make similar requests, and really focus on the reaction they received, which was probably not disgusted indignation or hostility. They probably received responses like “sure, sorry about that” or “yes, of course!” — and you will too.

Also, it’s worth thinking about the emotions you’re bringing to the situation. Sometimes when people are reluctant to address a problem, they let it go on for so long that their irritation builds and by the time they do speak up, they’ve become far more frustrated than the situation really warrants. That makes it feel like an even bigger deal in their minds, and they’re more likely to sound confrontational when they finally do say something. But if they’d just addressed it matter-of-factly when the problem first started, it never would have gotten to the point of feeling so adversarial. So speaking up sooner rather than later can actually help these conversations feel less fraught.

And speaking of things feeling adversarial: If you don’t have a lot of experience speaking up for yourself — or good models for how to do it effectively — your internal calibration for tone can be way off. You genuinely might not realize that these conversations can be calm and matter-of-fact, and that can be a huge problem because tone really matters! When you assume it’s going to be a Big Deal to the other person, and when it feels risky and emotionally fraught, or when you’ve let something go on so long that now you’re really pissed off about it, your tone is more likely to be confrontational. That makes the other person more likely to react accordingly … which then of course will reinforce your reluctance to speak up in the future.

But when you genuinely believe that what you’re saying is no big deal — that of course you have the right to ask to be called by the correct name or to ask someone to keep it down while you’re on the phone — your tone is more likely to sound calm, matter-of-fact, and even cheerful. And if it is, the other person is more likely to respond in kind.

If you know someone who gets this right — who calmly speaks up without coming across as a jerk — pay attention to how they do it and what kind of response they get. Plus, by paying attention to their tone, their wording, and their timing, you’ll be able to call on that model in the future when you need it.

One more thing to keep in mind: Most reasonable people actually want to know if they’re doing something that bugs you. Wouldn’t you be mortified if you found out that you’d been inadvertently annoying your coworker for months and she hadn’t told you? Most people would be. So from that perspective, it’s actually a kindness to speak up about this stuff (as long as you do it politely).

And of course, when it comes to people you manage, it’s much more than a kindness: if you avoid those conversations with them, it could end up affecting their performance, their evaluations, their raises, and their professional reputation. Most people want their managers to be up-front with them when those things are at stake.

Ultimately, though, when the potential for even mild conflict is causing this much worry, it’s almost certainly less about the specific conflict at hand and more about something a whole lot bigger. So really do think about therapy, as an investment not only in your career but in your quality of life too.

Originally published at New York Magazine.

Read an update to this letter here.

The post how can I be more assertive at work? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/how-can-i-be-more-assertive-at-work-2.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30568