Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/update-im-miserable-in-my-phd-program.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34542

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was miserable in their PhD program and just wanted to teach but didn’t think they could drop out? Here’s the update.

I regretted sending my letter in to Alison about three seconds after I hit the “submit” button. I was convinced that I was just whining, that there wasn’t anything that could fix this situation, and it was my job to just grit my teeth and get through it. Hearing from so many of you that you’ve been where I am, that you were miserable too, and that things were okay for you if you left, was just … thank you all so, so much.

I took on board all of your advice (and shout-out to those of you who mentioned education recruiter Carney Sandoe, I’d never heard of that!), and made a list for myself of things to try. I talked to other members of my committee, as well as my PI, about moving projects and labs as well. After quite a lot of deliberation, and a heavy conversation with my PI, I have decided – I might try to squeeze a tiny, inconsequential paper out of data I already have, and if so, I will get my Phd. Regardless, I will not be asked to do lab work anymore – and if I don’t get a paper, then I will master out.

My PI mentioned that, when I’d made the decision to leave, I immediately looked like 20 pounds had come off my shoulders. I feel like I’ve finally stepped out into the sunlight for the first time, after being shut in a dark room for ages on end. I keep waiting for someone to drag me back in, to tell me that no, you don’t get to have this kind of happiness, or that this has all somehow been a mistake. But it keeps not happening, and I keep feeling like breaking out into song and dance every time I realize that I’m still free from lab work!

And, now that I don’t have to do lab work anymore, I’m free to network my butt off! I’ve had informational interviews with adjuncts, private school teachers, public school teachers, program directors, and I’ve joined, like, three new professional networks now! I’m applying for jobs, I’m doing classroom observations to see what kind of teaching I like and don’t like, I’m gathering certification to help with my teaching skills – I’m doing the work! I’ve been fighting self-accusations of laziness for so long, as I found it so difficult to convince myself to do lab work, but it turns out, I can do things in a timely manner, I can put in effort, I just can’t do it around something that is actively hurting me!

Even better, because my PI is an amazing person, he’s allowing me to stay in his lab until this coming May (I’m getting paid for my teaching work, so he doesn’t need to use grant funding on me), and he’s supporting me in using as much time as possible for my teaching development! Also, for the course I’m TAing for now, I’ve told the professor that I’m interested in teaching, and that I’d like more responsibility in course design elements – and he’s letting me design the active learning activities for discussions now! I’ve also been playing around with making an intro biology course in my free time for a while (as in writing learning objectives, making slides, etc), and he’s offered to review my learning objectives and lesson plans for that too, if he has time, to give me feedback!

Speaking of which, someone asked me what I liked the most about teaching in the comments section – though I do absolutely love my students, and seeing them grow, I think my favorite part is the course design. I love creating a logical flow of information, I love when I make something as complicated as Bio clear and goal-based, I love seeing my students’ eyes light up when they realize that they know what they’re expected to learn, I love when the way I explain something just clicks, and finally a student understands why they’ve been asked to learn something, and how they can grow on their terms, get the skills they want, and that I’ve managed to help them on their journey. This, combined with some other elements from observations and interviews, tells me that K-12 teaching isn’t for me, as the curriculum is often dictated to you, instead of being in your control. But making goals, being organized, and clear communication are also very transferable skills – more evidence that there’s such a wider world out there for me than I realized!

Many in the comments also mentioned that mastering out is not failure, and I wanted to thank you all so, so much for that as well, because that is not the message I am getting from coworkers and friends. There’s very much a vibe of “we were all fighting the same war, now you’re abandoning us to go surrender to the enemy?!” and one of my work friends has decided to make it his mission to get me to stay no matter what (I don’t know why – we’re not in the same lab – I guess he just thinks I’m making a horrible mistake?). My family is also … not pleased, shall we say. Someone pointed out that I’m rather blind to the world outside academia, and that is more true than you know – nobody in my family has below a masters. No one. When I started reading Alison’s column, I was astonished that there were people who got jobs with just a bachelor’s, because everything I’d been taught said that the only point in getting a bachelor’s was to get a master’s, that anyone who stops at a bachelor’s is doomed to failure. Even though I am getting a master’s, it’s not viewed the same way – I know I have a few uncles who went to get a PhD, and when they mastered out, they stopped being invited to family events, which I don’t want to happen to me. My niblings are mostly matter-of-fact about it, but my parents are very visibly disappointed with my decision, and with the holidays coming up, there’s going to be a lot of dodge-the-conversation-topic with grandparents and cousins.

But I don’t care. If leaving this program can have this many people angry with me, and I’m still this light, and this happy, and this productive, then it’s more clear to me than ever that I’m doing the right thing. I have Internet strangers at my back, my bosses support me, I’m doing work I love, I’m supporting my students, my niblings have my back, and I’ve managed to respond to every comment and complaint from friends and family with confidence and enthusiasm. I don’t know what will happen next for me – maybe I’ll be unemployed for a year, maybe I’ll get a job at some company I’ve never heard of, or maybe I will be teaching as I wanted to be. But it’s my decision, and I get to decide to be free.

The post update: I’m miserable in my PhD program appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/update-im-miserable-in-my-phd-program.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34542