Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/new-job-wont-let-me-wear-my-wedding-ring-bringing-snacks-for-your-coworkers-when-youre-new-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=33490

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My new employer won’t let me wear my wedding ring

I’m getting ready to start my new job in a fast-moving but rather conservative industry. I’m starting as an assistant but have the possibility of advancing up to management throughout my career here. Last week, I had a meeting with the woman who is going to be my supervisor and we finalized things like my salary, work hours, etc. She also spent a significant amount of time making sure I understood the dress code, as it is very strict, even stricter than many other offices. There were things like only certain colors of clothing, absolutely no nail polish, minimal makeup in only natural colors, no heels over two inches but no “casual” shoes either, etc.

One of their rules is that, while some jewelry is allowed, it can only be either gold or silver in color and absolutely nothing else. Here’s the thing: My wedding ring is purple (amethyst encrusted). My husband got this ring for me because he knows I dislike gold and silver jewelry and prefer colors, and it’s also my birthstone. My supervisor pointed it out during our meeting and said, unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to wear it during work hours. I was a bit taken aback but did not argue.

Now that I’m getting ready to start, I don’t know what to do. On one hand, rules are rules. On the other hand, it’s my wedding ring and it’s very precious to me and I never take it off. I also don’t want to go out and buy some arbitrary silver ring to wear in place that means nothing to me. It would seem silly to give up this great job over a ring, but I just don’t know. If it were any other piece of jewelry I wouldn’t care, but not this one. What should I do?

That’s a ridiculous rule and I cannot fathom any legitimate business need for it, other than that they have a need to be overly controlling.

I’m curious to know what would happen if you say, “I understand your rules about jewelry, but this is my wedding ring and I don’t take it off. I’m certainly willing to abide by the dress code, but it’s not an option for me to remove my wedding ring. What’s the best way for me to proceed, given that?” They may say that yes, they’re going to require you remove the ring if you want to work there, but I’d like to make them say it out loud because it’s ridiculous.

But if they do, then you’ll have to decide if you’re willing to remove it for work every day (and also if you’re willing to work for people who give adults rules for rules’ sake).

– 2018

2. How to tell an employee to stop cc’ing my boss

I’m a new manager and I have an employee who consistently copies other people on emails I’ve directed specifically to her. What is confusing about this is that sometimes the emails are related to situations that may not have been well handled by her. I’m trying to be supportive and encouraging and make these things teachable moments instead of “you’re in trouble” moments, but when she then turns around and copies my boss in her response it makes me look bad for not immediately reporting the issue to him.

I don’t know how to explain this to her without making it sound like I want her to hide things from my boss. Do I just cc my boss every time I think her judgement may have been off to get ahead of the problem? That would probably get her in trouble more, which I don’t want either. I don’t have a problem with her telling my boss about an issue that has come up in her area, but when I’ve responded saying something like, “You used your best judgment in the moment; let’s figure out how to fix it together,” it’s a little jarring to then discover that she’s included my boss in her response.

The good news here is that you’re her boss so you can just direct her to stop doing this. I’d start, though, by asking what her thought process is when she does it. For example: “Jane, I’ve noticed you’ll often cc Fergus on a response to me when I’ve initially sent the email only to you. How come?” She’ll presumably respond with “I thought he should be in the loop on X” or something similar, and then you can explain why that’s not the case: “Actually, Fergus doesn’t need to be involved in that. If I decide that he does, I’ll of course loop him in, but part of my job is fielding this sort of thing so that he doesn’t need to spend time on it.” And then give the clear direction to stop: “Going forward, please leave Fergus off emails about this kind of thing. I’ll loop him in if I think he’d want to be informed or be able to give input.”

I think you’re feeling weird about saying “don’t tell Fergus things,” but that’s not the message; it’s “Fergus has other things he needs to focus on. He and I are aligned about when to bring him into the conversation, and I’ll do that when it’s needed.”

(Also, I wouldn’t assume that you’ll look bad to your own boss for not immediately reporting issues to him, unless they’re truly big enough that he’d want immediate notification. Your employees will make mistakes. You only need to loop your boss in when those mistakes are big ones that will impact things he needs to know about, or when it’s enough of a pattern that you’ve developed serious performance concerns about an employee and need your boss’s buy-in on your plan for handling it.)

– 2016

3. Bringing snacks for your coworkers when you’re new on the job

People like to nibble at work, especially if it’s free food. What do you think of newbies bringing in nibbles in order to curry good feelings? Yes, it’s sucking up, but is it okay?

I once brought in coffee candies that the boss couldn’t keep their fingers away from when I was working in a small store. But for a more professional office environment, is it okay to curry favor in the fashion?

There’s nothing wrong with bringing in food for the office when you’re new. But I wouldn’t do it in order to “curry favor.” The way you make a good impression on your new coworkers is by being warm and pleasant, interested in the work and what they do, not being rude/annoying/arrogant, and doing a good job yourself. If you don’t do those things, no amount of brownies or candy will change that. And if you do, no brownies or candy will be necessary.

That said, if you’re having trouble meeting people in your new office, I could see bringing something in after a month or so and letting people know to stop by your office if they’d like some. But I’d do that to meet people, not to ingratiate yourself with them — and not right off the bat.

– 2013

4. A misbehaving coworker doesn’t know I’m about to become his boss

I’m in a tricky spot — I was recently granted a promotion that will put me in charge of my current team. Because we have a big project launching a month from now, my boss has concluded that it’s best to keep everyone focused, and not announce the restructuring (and my new role) until after this project wraps. The issue is that I already have tension with and big concerns about one coworker who will report to me (let’s call him Jeff), and the situation is rapidly getting worse.

I don’t think it’s a personal beef with me: Jeff has made some big missteps in the past year and received a lot of criticism for it, so I suspect he’s just feeling defensive and disengaged. But in recent meetings he’s been combative and curt with me, and another coworker recently divulged that he’s taking regular time out of the office to interview at other companies, offloading major components of his job onto an unqualified freelancer, and hiding out in conference rooms where he watches baseball games on his laptop instead of working.

Jeff is clearly looking for an exit, but in the meantime, his behavior is impacting our team and he’s not taking pains to hide it from me because he doesn’t know I’ll soon be his manager. How can I intervene right now, seeing as the promotion won’t be public for another month?

You probably can’t. You just don’t have standing or authority to do anything about it right now. However, you can talk to your boss about the situation so that he’s in the loop, and to ensure that he’ll have your back in dealing with the situation right out of the gate when your promotion takes effect.

For now, you’re getting the benefit of getting a really clear look at a problem you’ll have to deal with soon though, and it sounds like you’re seeing more of it than you’d see if Jeff knew you were soon to be his boss. You’re not obligated to tip him off in order to protect him from himself (especially since that would mean divulging information you’re not authorized to divulge yet). And it might actually be useful that when you do become his boss, he’ll realize that you know the situation; that could make it easier to have a candid “you’ve got to cut this out” conversation with him.

(And meanwhile, you can hope that one of those interviews turns into a job offer, which sounds like it would be the best thing for everyone.)

– 2018

The post new job won’t let me wear my wedding ring, bringing snacks for your coworkers when you’re new, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/new-job-wont-let-me-wear-my-wedding-ring-bringing-snacks-for-your-coworkers-when-youre-new-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=33490

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/updates-the-unfair-schedule-i-doubt-my-bosss-nephew-is-really-a-genius-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34756

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. How can we create a schedule that’s fair to people with and without kids? (#2 at the link)

Since our job is very flexible in terms of how to manage/create your off-of-direct-customer-facing-service schedule, I think coworkers were getting a little opportunistic about the lack of oversight in order to create these very ideal (for them) schedules. I kind of mentally handed back the scheduling to the people who wanted a lot of accommodation or to cut up our normal scheduling blocks (wanting to work an opening shift 9-10:30 instead of 9-12 like before). I ended up following the advice that the reasons I don’t want to fill in all the gaps aren’t important, stopped trying to justify myself at all, and said some variation of “that doesn’t work for me” or “I can’t do that.” The schedule went through 15+ rounds of version changes but I got my one closing a week and one opening, and while I have the majority of the late afternoon/early evening slots, I’ll take it.

We also have a new boss who has implemented a kind of review of our scheduling and who does the most substituting, covering, etc. so I’m hopeful that might be a factor in limiting this sort of behavior going forward. My coworker with the most scheduling limitations has also agreed to keep to this schedule for our usual duration (one year) so we won’t have to revisit this again until the spring. I think I’ll be better prepared to stand up for myself this go around.

2. I doubt my boss’s nephew is really a genius (#3 at the link)

I took your advice and reached out to my boss’s boss via Teams but he never got back to me. So I decided I would call him, instead. But before I even had a chance to call him, our HR department reached out to me asking if they could talk to me. Apparently, someone else in my department had filed a complaint with HR about boss’s nephew (HR did not specify the person’s identity or the nature of the complaint) and HR was investigating so they wanted to talk to me as his “supervisor.” I told them everything I knew (about the favoritism, etc.) and I explained how I wasn’t really his supervisor in any real sense of the word, all I did was approve his timecards and that my boss was his supervisor in every other way. They thanked me for being candid about the situation and that was it.

A week or two later, at our next staff meeting, my boss announced that the nephew was transferring to a new department effective immediately. He is still with our organization in that other department and is doing good work from what I hear. I and my co-supervisor still do not have any other direct reports. We both have the title of supervisor, but we really function more as team leads. This is not the case with supervisors in other departments at our organization, I don’t know why my department is different.

No one in my department, including my boss, has ever brought up the HR investigation, FYI.

Not a very exciting update, but I think my organization handled this appropriately. I just wonder why this was ever allowed to happen in the first place.

3. Are my longer hours unfair to my coworker?

The good news is that I took your advice, and things got much better for Jane … at least for a while. I pulled back from doing a lot of unrecognized overtime, which reflected better on her with the contract employees and people at the office level. The bad news is that I got several reprimands from my corporate-level boss for not working those additional hours and for being “out of sync with the culture of my cohort.” (Remember, even though on the office level Jane and I appeared the same to contract employees, on the corporate level we were on different strands or cohorts.) It also gave me far, far too much work to do within the hours allowed, which caused others to fall behind.

Eventually, it became too much, and I took another position with another company. Apparently, my former company never hired another person to replace me. Rather, they assigned additional work to others in my cohort. I’m still friends with Jane (as well as people from my own cohort), and I’ve learned that many contract employees and office-level managers are miserable because my replacements are not customer service-oriented or responsive to their needs. At the same time, those who took over my work are now forced to work many extra hours just to do the bare minimum. And this makes more work for Jane. It’s a bad situation. I am glad I am out, but I do feel for Jane and the others who are still stuck there.

4. My coworker reacts out loud when reading about politics

I don’t have much of an update about implementing the advice you gave; shortly after I sent in my letter, the coworker in question moved to another job. I’ll admit that my frustration with this issue was related to a lot of other issues with that job, so I’ll use this space to brag about the fact that I landed my dream job! It’s part-time, so I’m still at the other job, but I’m so beyond happy that I’m right in my niche and part of a supportive team that wants to use my expertise. I definitely used a lot of your resume and interview tips, so you get credit for this one for sure!

The post updates: the unfair schedule, I doubt my boss’s nephew is really a genius, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/updates-the-unfair-schedule-i-doubt-my-bosss-nephew-is-really-a-genius-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34756

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/updates-my-boss-is-a-jerk-missing-work-for-a-tennis-tournament-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34741

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My boss is a jerk — how do I deal with her? (first update)

I’m the person who wrote in years ago about my jerk boss (and, if I recall correctly, I initially balked when you called her a jerk!). I had previously provided an update about taking a new job and how grateful I was for your advice and the support of the community. As a quick update, I’m still at that new company and over the years, I have been promoted to a director-level role in my department and now manage junior employees. There have been lots of ups and downs at the company and I won’t stay here forever but ultimately, I have grown just so, so much since leaving the last job and I remain grateful to y’all for the support.

I’ve actually been having trouble with one of the company’s owners who is — and I can now say this with confidence — a jerk. Ahead of another Monday spent in conflict with her, I spent some time this weekend diving through workplace blogs, searching for some inspiration to steel myself for the week ahead. And perhaps unsurprisingly, I quickly came across my letters to you from 2020. What a blast from the past! I read through my letters, viscerally recalling the stress I was under each day about projects that haven’t meaningfully mattered to me in years, and read through your responses and each and every comment from the community.

While I won’t go into the meat of my current issues here, I did want to reach out to share again that this community really has meant so much to me. I didn’t intend to search for my original letter to you today but, upon finding it, I discovered that much of the core feedback is still true. I am still in control of how I react to poor leadership, how I value my work, and how much humor I can find in some situations. In many ways, my life now looks completely different than it did five years ago (I’m married, been promoted, moved across the state, etc.). But today, standing again in muck flooded by jerk leadership, I remembered I have waded through this before and I did so with such smart, empathetic, and supportive folk alongside.

I have continued to follow along with the site and the many folks who write in. Thanks to everyone for keeping this community thriving. And Alison, thank you again for sharing your guidance to an early career woman stuck in the muck; your advice still rings true to me now years later.

2. Missing work for a tennis tournament (#4 at the link)

My teenage tennis player son worked at a tennis club, almost exclusively with other tennis-playing teens. Their unpleasant boss was unwilling to accommodate their high school tennis season and tournaments that all these employees had every spring, very predictably. We appreciated that commenters took his tournaments seriously, like my son did!

My son chose to resign, and he was able to start up somewhere else immediately. The situation at the club devolved and more teens quit. However, I’ve noticed there are fewer part-time job opportunities for teens these days, so I imagine the hiring pool is pretty large. I wonder how many spring tennis seasons it will take to give this manager a clue!

The biggest takeaway is what my son has been able to learn from this. He says his new manager is respectful and organized. In contrast to the tennis club manager, who once made my son find a sub while he was home actively throwing up, this manager has reasonable expectations.

I’d felt the parental impulse to tell him not to quit, to learn to deal with a tricky employer. But in that environment, who would he learn professional norms from? It is easy for both parents and employers to not listen to teens, nor take their concerns seriously.

Thanks so much for responding to us. I hope my son keeps reading your blog!

3. I ran into an employee topless at the beach

I took your advice. After two additional weeks of awkwardness, I actually asked her if she was embarrassed. I originally tried being aggressively normal and that worked to a small degree, but I felt like she was only interacting when forced to interact. I asked her if she was embarrassed about our run in and she actually said she was a little bit. I told her not to be embarrassed at all and that we have all done things in our lives that we wouldn’t want our boss being present for. I told her not to worry and that I didn’t think any less of her. I asked her to start going back to normal and she quickly did.

4. My manager wants us to do a “mental health check” weekly

Shortly after I wrote to you, my boss stopped asking for the mental health checks. In fact, we don’t even have that weekly team meeting is often anymore. Probably one out of every four weeks. They get canceled a lot. So I’m guessing that maybe somebody else said something as well directly to her or that her manager said something as well because they did stop.

She never mentions anything like mental health like that anymore.

Happy to say, while there are other issues with our team, that is no longer one of them.

5. Can I drop out of a leadership program that’s the opposite of what I want?

One thing I forgot to include in my letter is that I work for a very large company. There were about 700 nominees in the program and no monitoring of our level of participation.

So, I ended up just not going nor doing anything. The program meetings were all on zoom and frequently in conflict with my actual job meetings, so I felt justified in blowing them off … but no one even noticed. And, my manager has forgotten about the program entirely.

It ended this month with a whimper, and that’s that. All that stress and anxiety over what turned out to be nothing.

Thank you very much for your advice and to the commenters who weighed in as well.

The post updates: my boss is a jerk, missing work for a tennis tournament, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/updates-my-boss-is-a-jerk-missing-work-for-a-tennis-tournament-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34741

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/update-how-do-i-live-down-a-reputation-for-being-extra.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34567

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer asking how to live down a reputation for being “extra”? Here’s the update.

Thank you so much for publishing my letter a year ago. I really appreciated your advice and the kind responses in the comments.

Looking back, I was in a dark place emotionally and a toxic work environment when I wrote. I don’t think I really recognized how anxious and unhappy I was until I was beyond it. Believe it or not, I’ve remained in the same workplace and things have dramatically improved. The primary reason for the positive shift: staffing changes. I got a new supervisor who is completely removed from our insular middle management cluster, and a number of my most gossipy coworkers moved on one-by-one, replaced by fresh faces. A couple of more outspoken peers joined our larger organization so that I’m not the only — or first — person to speak up in meetings. I’ve had fewer opportunities to mix with cliquey middle management. And the former supervisor who told me in a one-on-one that I had an “extra” reputation has risen to an upper leadership position … which is actually great because now they’re in a separate building, so there’s an even bigger buffer between me and them. It’s like a fire has been denied oxygen.

I’ve basically spent the past year really digging into my work, avoiding workplace scuttlebutt, connecting with the local community my site serves, and focusing on how best to help customers. And it’s paid off. My pool of clients has expanded dramatically, which is wonderful in itself, but it also means I pull in impressive statistics that upper admin absolutely notices. Even the staffer who called me “Little Miss Too Much” recently mentioned my “eye-popping” program numbers (unprompted); so I feel like whether or not coworkers want to be my BFF, I’ve garnered a certain amount of respect within our organization. I’ve conducted some mentoring within my field of late, so there are people who now see me as a sort of “senior scholar” and ask for my advice. I’ve landed another grant for our organization. And I just received a promotion! I literally went from singing along to Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero” in my car at the end of work to bellowing Beyonce.

A few things I’ve learned in all of this: First, I probably never need to rise into management — at least not within my current organization. The people who occupy middle and upper leadership roles here are just so … complicated. At least for me. I can interact with them on an occasional basis and behave politely, but they aren’t my main focus. My clients are, and that’s where I’m directing my energy. At the end of the day, I have very impressive numbers and I frequently overhear my customers agreeing I’m the best at what I do. That’s what the job’s about.

Second, I now make sure to heap lots of sincere praise on coworkers, including those above me. This helps spread goodwill.

And third, this may sound petty, but I’ve been in this workplace now long enough that if I sit in a meeting where someone freaks out because “it has to be this way because we’ve always done it this way” or a peer proposes an initiative I think is sheer lunacy, nine times out of ten I can sit quietly, nod, and then just quietly do things the way I think is best without dramatic repercussions. Our organization is big enough, our departments are siloed enough that as long as chain of command is respected and observed, we have a fair degree of latitude in the way we conduct our activities.

Alison, thank you again for taking my question. I’m glad I was able to provide a happy update to a fraught query.

The post update: how do I live down a reputation for being “extra”? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/update-how-do-i-live-down-a-reputation-for-being-extra.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34567