Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/how-do-i-address-a-rumor-that-i-dont-attend-enough-in-person-events.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=33815

A reader writes:

My company is technically hybrid, but my department is almost exclusively work from home, which has suited me.

This week, we’d been asked whether or not we’ll be attending an all-hands in person or on Zoom and I’d been really struggling with the decision. I like my coworkers, but I invariably get sick when I do in-person stuff and spent half of September audibly sick from the last in-person department meeting I attended. If I went, I planned to mask. The meeting was listed as being from 9 am – 1 pm and lunch is provided, but masking only works if you stay masked. That means I can’t eat or drink unless I’m outside and there’s no outdoor space at this location. Four hours in a mask without water guarantees a massive headache for me. Not ideal.

I contacted the organizer to get a little more information about the timing and activities because some things don’t work well on Zoom, and if we were wrapping up at noon with that last hour as a social lunch I could cope and just leave early. He said, “In your situation, it’ll probably work best for you to call in” so that’s what I decided to do.

This morning, I got a phone call from my manager, who is on vacation (always a good sign). He said they (I assume “they” is actually my grandboss, but I don’t know) “really want” me to attend in person. I took the hint, but was annoyed that they had asked us whether we wanted to show up, and then decided it was mandatory. Later today it became clear that no one had told the organizer that this was mandatory now, which made it feel like leadership was deliberately obscuring the change.

Then I had a call with a coworker/friend and she told me that she heard my avoiding in-person events “has been noticed.” It took me a bit to figure out what that could even mean. I went to two in-person events in August and said yes to a conference in another state where “vaccine” is a bad word — what more could they want? Eventually, we concluded that they must be talking about the corporate astrology workshop I declined (because ick, pseudoscience), the tour I’m skipping (because I used to work at that location and don’t need to spend four hours driving to see it again), and the upcoming all-hands. For the record, I have not been shy about why I declined the workshop or the tour, though I did keep it work-appropriate.

I feel that this is very unfair, though I can see how it looks, but the actual problem is that it wasn’t my manager who raised this issue with me. I don’t even know who “noticed.” But it feels like something I should address sooner rather than later, I’m just not sure how.

Should I raise this with my manager? I’m afraid it will be obvious who told me, and I don’t want to get that person in trouble. Or should I wait to see if he raises it with me? I’m concerned he won’t; he’s only been a manager for a year, and I don’t know yet how he handles difficult stuff. I’ve had a manager who didn’t tell me about problems until they became Problems before (and even then I had to twist his arm to get it out of him), and ideally I’d like to avoid that happening again.

I do plan to politely tell him that I don’t think this change was handled well. If they want us to come in, just say so. Don’t pretend to give us the option, or “strongly encourage” us and then hold it against us if we decline.

I don’t think it’s necessarily clear that attending the all-hands in person is mandatory for everyone — it sounds like it’s generally optional, but the message was being passed along to you specifically that they’d like you to attend in person, presumably because they’ve noticed you haven’t been attending as many things in-person as they want.

And who knows who “they” is here — maybe it’s your manager, maybe it’s his boss, maybe it’s both of them.

Normally I’d say to be wary of putting too much weight on something you hear about third-hand — your coworker’s mention that she’s heard your not attending things in person “has been noticed” — but it matches up pretty well with the rest of the facts, so it’s likely correct.

Still, though, it doesn’t make sense to try to sort through this without talking to your boss about it more directly.

I get that you don’t want to out your coworker for confiding in you, but you don’t have to mention that at all. You can simply say, “I wanted to ask you more about our conversation about me attending the all-hands in person. I do attend some things in person, like the two events in August and the conference in X, but I try to be judicious about what I go to because I frequently get sick when I’m around large groups — I spent a couple of weeks sick after the last in-person department meeting. I can mask, of course, but it’s hard to do all day or when there’s a meal involved. We’d been told attending the all-hands in-person was optional and Francois confirmed that when I checked with him, so your request that I be in-person made me wonder if you have any concerns about how I’m managing in-person vs. remote more broadly.”

Don’t get sidetracked by “if they want us to come in, just say so / don’t pretend it’s optional” — because, again, it sounds like it probably is optional for most people and they’re just asking you in particular to be there. Focus on what’s behind that.

The post how do I address a rumor that I don’t attend enough in-person events? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/how-do-i-address-a-rumor-that-i-dont-attend-enough-in-person-events.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=33815