Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/update-my-partner-is-angry-about-how-i-handled-harassment-at-work.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34531

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose partner was angry about how she handled harassment at work? Here’s the update. (Content warning for domestic violence. Also, if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.)

Addressing the domestic violence situation: following my post, we took more than a month away from each other. I stayed in our flat, he stayed with a friend and we had zero contact during this time. About 40 days in, my partner came home (as agreed), but he works away a lot so he booked jobs to be away Mon-Fri for four weeks and we used the weekends to talk about whether we wanted to and most importantly could, despite loving each other, work this out. He was, as before, very apologetic and very earnest.

During the time apart, I worked hard to get to grips with the higher responsibilities in my new job and relaxed at home. I had friends round, I reupholstered some furniture (which still makes me laugh picturing this 32-year-old loose with fabric and a staple gun), and I rediscovered my single life routine of work, gym, cooking, and reading. I thought hard about all the comments to leave but this was a one-time event which surprised me because it was so unusual. It being a one-time event is how I managed to stay calm and strong in myself at the time.

My partner sought help and, as a very private man, has done this on his own. A couple of commenters were right, he didn’t know he had issues until this happened and he saw himself, didn’t like it, and wanted to change. He went against his usual walled privacy a little to write me a journal each day whilst we were apart and he talked with his mother and sister more then and continues to do so now, which is wonderful — their previously strained relationship is recovering. It is evident he has done the work to overcome his issues from the logical and calm way he handles any conflict now. That past behavior which took me by such surprise has not reared its head at all — in any conflict with me, he is often the one to extend an olive branch first and leads by example. He looks after me, takes care of my needs above his own at all times, and supports me. I have a good feeling that he relies on his sister for help understanding me if and when needed which is great that he seeks help and advice and clearly wants to understand me. We are both constantly learning, but I guess him more so.

The one thing from your advice, Alison, that really stood out to me was “If he simply can’t live with how you’ve decided to handle your own work situation, his options are to try to change your perspective respectfully or to leave.” I raised this point to him during our talks and it really helped us both work through everything with clarity on the options.

Addressing the workplace harassment: Looking back at my old workplace, I am sad I didn’t do more. But someone’s comment on my post helped me make peace with it — I did what I could at the time and survived. New workplace has its own problems, all communication and change management driven, which I spoke up about on behalf of our team in a meeting with the board! My manager’s manager and the COO have asked me if I would consider a manager’s position as one is available, but my Plan A is financial adviser — managing people isn’t my dream. I’m well on the way to securing my dream job, and any Plan B is a waste of resource to me.

A user by the handle Grumpy Elder Millennial read between the lines and understood my intentions in my original post — I just wanted assurance that I had done nothing wrong. I was very confused at the time being on the receiving end from someone I trust that I had been wrong, and I’m grateful for the assurance that I hadn’t. With time, my own space to come to this realization, and relying solely on my personal reflection, I now do wish I had done more, such as take the log I made of events to the director (a director who does want to do right by his employees, dreads doing the hard stuff but will get on with it when required, sometimes after a period of scrambling to maintain the status quo). I am okay with this being a lesson learned.

I am grateful to everyone for their advice, no matter how hard to read! And thankful to everyone who wished me the best. I am happy that this seems to be one of those rare times where seeing the good in someone in a terrible situation was the right choice.

The post update: my partner is angry about how I handled harassment at work appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/update-my-partner-is-angry-about-how-i-handled-harassment-at-work.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34531

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/i-saw-my-coworker-buying-a-beer-during-work-hours-my-bosss-wife-messed-up-his-business-travel-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30582

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I saw my coworker buying a beer during work hours

I saw a coworker at the pharmacy near our office this morning (9:45 a.m.) buying a 40-ounce can of beer. I was confused at first and I couldn’t figure out what to make out of it, but then I also remembered that this coworker always falls asleep in meetings.

I wasn’t sure if I should have approached her (I didn’t want her to think I’m being nosy). I do not want to jump to conclusions because I also thought she might have bought the beer for someone else (i.e., a homeless person in NYC or whatever). She got back at her desk around 10:15ish without the bag. I also saw her sleeping at her desk (pen in hand, head down) at noon today.

In terms of her quality of work, my team and I stopped going to her because we never get good answers from her anyway. I also overheard her team members question her ability in doing a project. Is this something that I should report in case she needs help or in case this requires disciplinary action?

The fact that you saw a coworker buying a beer before work is not, in itself, damning. She could have been buying it for after work or, as you say, for someone else. Who knows.

If she’s sleeping on the job or otherwise not performing her work in a way that affects you, or if she’s coming to work smelling like alcohol and/or appearing intoxicated, you should absolutely talk to your manager about those things. But “my coworker sucks at her job” and “I saw that same coworker buying a beer” is not enough of a connection to report someone for being drunk at work — that’s just too much speculation. Focus on the things you know for sure.

– 2018

2. Intern uses “stay gold” as her email sign off

There’s an intern at my office who signs off all her emails with “Stay gold.” For example, an email from her might read, “Thanks for sending me the TPS reports! Stay gold, Jane.” I asked her about it and she confirmed it’s from the quote “Stay gold, Ponyboy” from the book The Outsiders. We work in a pretty casual industry so it’s most likely that people will write it off as a weird quirk, but I’m afraid that if she tried using that sign-off in a more formal industry or office that people would think it’s unprofessional. Should I encourage her to start using a more common sign-off?

First, this is hilarious.

But yeah, that’s going to come across weirdly in many (most?) offices, and as an intern she won’t have the capital built up to make it read “amusing quirk” rather than “inexperienced worker who doesn’t take work seriously / has no sense of professional norms.”

If you’re her manager or oversee any of her work, it would be a kindness to talk to her about professional sign-offs.

– 2020

3. Telling my boss his wife messed up his business travel

I used to work as an executive assistant to a person who did a lot of business travel, but also did a lot of travel for his side-business activities. This was all legit, above board kind of stuff and his main job was aware of it.

As his assistant, I handled all the business stuff: booking flights, doing expense claims, all that jazz. However, his wife handled the side-business travel and I was instructed to liaise with her to coordinate schedules and handle any times when business travel would occur in conjunction with side-gig travel. His spouse was awesome, really organized and a great person to work with, but this was still a little bit awkward. It became more awkward when she made a mistake and booked travel for him at a time he was required to be somewhere else for his main job. I double, triple, and quadruple checked all of our email correspondence and it was for sure something that had gotten mixed up on her end, I am confident in that. So I was between a rock and a hard place: it wasn’t MY mistake but I was probably going to wear it because how am I supposed to present all the evidence to my boss that his spouse, his partner in life for over 20 years, the mother of his children, was the one that made the error that was sort of a costly mistake? He and I had a great working relationship, great communication, he had my back, all in all he was a great person to work for.

I ended up just doing my best to fix it and make everything work out, but it never sat right with me that I had to sort of pretend that it was my fault. I think that if I had tried to present everything to him that it WASN’T my mistake might have just made me look like a jerk or be really self-serving. Did I only have those two choices: screw-up or jerk? Or was there a third option that I just didn’t realize?

You were being way too delicate! It wouldn’t have been a jerky move to tell your boss that his wife mixed something up, because you wouldn’t have said it in a jerky way. You would have just matter-of-factly told him, “Hmmm, it looks like Jane booked you in Atlanta on the 20th when you need to be in San Diego. I’ll let her know.” Your brain was going way overboard with the “partner in life for over 20 years, mother of his children” thing. It’s just a routine business thing, not particularly sensitive information.

If I were your boss and I found out that you were pretending something was your fault because you thought I’d dislike you if you told me my spouse had messed something up … well, I’d actually be really concerned. I’d worry about your judgment, or whether I’d somehow given you the impression that I was too fragile to hear normal business stuff, or whether my spouse had done something to scare the crap out of you. I’d wonder what else you might be sugarcoating, and what else I might want to know that you might not tell me.

It’s worth looking at whether you’re being overly delicate with your current colleagues/manager, because this is a strange instinct! This is just normal business stuff, not anything you needed to dance around or hide.

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

4. My amazing new job has a catch: my father

I just started a new job at what appears to be a great company. On my first day, I learned that my new company is owned by the company my father works for. I also learned that interaction between the companies is expected to increase, and while it’s not probable, it’s possible that I could end up working with my father. At least one of the higher-up members in my division even knows him. (Aside: this company definitely has no concerns about relatives working together.)

The problem is that my father and I have not spoken for three years. I might be able to have a very distant professional relationship with him, but, to be frank, almost any interaction at all would make me want to quit.

It’s known that my father works for the parent company, but no one knows that we have had an intense falling out. Should I mention this to my team lead? I’d obviously couch it in professional verbiage, a la “My father works for [parent company], but we do not get along. If at all possible, I’d prefer that any work that might involve him or his team be delegated to someone else.”

This is literally my second day on the job, and I’m worried about coming across as full of drama. I’m also worried that even though it was my father who disowned me, my reporting our soured relationship will make me look bad, but I specifically want them to know that this goes beyond the potential awkwardness of working with family so that they never intentionally put us together. And, finally, I’m so new to the company that I have no metric with which to gauge how reactions to this information would go.

Yes, mention it to your manager. Your wording is good, but I’d tweak it to this: “I hadn’t realized the extent to which [this company] works with [parent company], but now that I do, I feel I should let you know that my father works for [parent company] and we’ve been estranged for several years. I wouldn’t want that to cause any awkwardness in a work context, so I’m hoping that if we ever have work that might involve him or his team, it could be assigned to someone else.”

Companies generally don’t want to invite family drama into their work, and it’s pretty likely that if there’s a way to keep you from having to work with your dad, they’ll try to accommodate that. (There might not be, of course, but it’s a reasonable thing to flag.) You’re not going to come across as full as drama as long as you don’t … come across as full of drama. In other words, if you conduct yourself professionally and maturely (as opposed to, say, complaining about him all the time, sobbing in meetings when his company name is mentioned, etc.), that’s not going to be outweighed by having a difficult family connection.

And remember, lots of people have tough family dynamics. You’re not weird or dramatic for having one too.

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

The post I saw my coworker buying a beer during work hours, my boss’s wife messed up his business travel, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/i-saw-my-coworker-buying-a-beer-during-work-hours-my-bosss-wife-messed-up-his-business-travel-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30582

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/updates-im-panicking-in-my-new-job-comments-about-my-office-temperature-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34796

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. I’m panicking in my new job (#3 at the link)

Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my letter. I really appreciated your advice, and I’m also really grateful for the commenters. I screenshotted a lot of their kind words to reread when I was second guessing myself.

So … I did end up quitting that job after a month without having something lined up. Things spiraled pretty quickly after I got your response. I was repeatedly assigned tasks I had no experience in, asked to cover more work areas that my boss was supposed to handle, and (on multiple occasions!) told to present to outside vendors five minutes before a meeting on products I knew nothing about. Any time I would ask my boss for clarification on expectations or process, I would get vague non-answers or forwarded an outdated Powerpoint that didn’t address my question.

I started having near daily panic attacks, and I really felt in my gut that this was not the right role for me and it would not get better. I decided to trust my instincts (and blow through my savings), so I quit. Initially, I felt terrible about doing so after such a short amount of time but when I told my boss, her response was: “I totally get it. I hate it here. I’m actually quitting on Monday.” So that validated my decision!

I ended up getting another job about six weeks later, and I’ve been here for just about five months now. I’m happy to report that I absolutely love this job! My boss is super smart, really supportive, and a nice person to work for. The work is interesting and my coworkers are all on top of their game. I completed a huge project a few weeks ago that was really successful, and I already have a reputation across teams that I’m a smart, dependable colleague. I’ve been waking up every day excited to log on to work.

It’s almost unbelievable that after six months of turmoil (between being fired + that nightmare job + hundreds of applications + countless interviews) that it all ended up working out. I really feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be.

2. How do I respond to comments about my office temperature? (#2 at the link)

I took your advice to keep responses to people’s comments about the temperature short and sweet (“it is!” “I know, right?”), and it worked great. Something I should have brought up in the original email was that I was worried people would think I was wasting the organization’s resources by unnecessarily cranking up the heat. Like many nonprofits, we’re on a tight budget and our historic building takes up a lot of it. I also realize that I was displacing a lot of anxiety about general job performance at that time onto this question; focusing on what matters and upping my game has helped me feel better about needing to use a lot of heat to do my job.

Plot twist: by the time cold weather has come around this year, the heater has broken! The board member who maintains our very old heating system volunteers as an ice climbing instructor throughout the winter, so it won’t get fixed till spring. I was given a fan heater for my office. While they’re supposedly more energy efficient than most space heaters, it’s ironic that I worried so much about a perception that I was wasting energy while the solution my employer picked is notoriously wasteful.

3. Should I tell the truth when I turn down a job change and say I won’t work with a difficult colleague? (#3 at the link)

I have not had to move into a more direct role with Michael, the brilliant but challenging exec at our direct-service educational nonprofit. My boss, Dwight, has been out on family leave, and supposedly Michael is now supervising training, but another VP, Pam, let us all know — separately — that if we have any issues, feel free to come to her and she will deal with Michael. But now Pam is doing three jobs, and balls are dropping like it’s New Year’s on Times Square.

One interesting incident: Michael is now copied on emails for our department, and we were managing a training with a few staff out. Michael chimed in: “We can just cancel it.” I took a deep breath and emailed back professionally that we can’t cancel a training a few days before, who it would impact, and how we have it handled. “Thanks, though!” And he just replied, “Wonderful!” Another trainer, Jim, told me, “I panicked when I saw that. But I thought, “That’s okay, MyName will handle that!”

We are struggling — we can’t get staff much less qualified staff, our funding is getting impacted, our client population has more and more needs. I have decided to move back to the classroom and have let Pam know, and we are working it out. My first love is being with the kids, and I know there will be challenges but I think I will be a lot happier.

4. My new boss coughs all over me

Fortunately for me, the situation mostly resolved on its own. I do think she may have noticed me flinching once or twice and took better care to not cough directly on me. However, I did simply just get used to her constant coughing — and learned that it was a smoker’s cough not an illness, which put me at a slight ease regarding my own health.

Ultimately, the company went through a merger and all the executive leadership left over the last few months, including my boss. I was sad! Coughing aside (and really, she did curtail it greatly) she was a strong mentor and set me up for success under the new team.

The post updates: I’m panicking in my new job, comments about my office temperature, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/updates-im-panicking-in-my-new-job-comments-about-my-office-temperature-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34796