Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/exec-is-having-an-affair-with-a-young-employee-hr-says-we-shouldnt-use-references-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32571

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Exec is having an affair with a young employee

I’m not sure what to do here. The young employee of one department and the exec of another department are having an affair, never mind the fact that the exec has a girlfriend at home of several years. These two met outside of work but things heated up quite literally in the office. He is much older than her and could be her father. They say it’s consensual.

I’m not sure what to do … just let it all play out and maybe it’ll go away? Are there any legal implications of this situation? I wouldn’t want either of them fired as they’re both pretty valuable at the company, even the new employee.

Is he in her chain of command or otherwise have any authority over her work? If so, this is very much not okay, and the company needs to be informed of it. Most companies have policies against employees dating people in their chain of command because it poses significant legal liability, potential for bias, and potential for the appearance of bias. It can mean that the younger employee’s accomplishments won’t be seen as legitimate by others, and it can open the company to charges of harassment down the road (“I wanted to end things but he implied he’d make things hard for me at work”).

If he’s not in her chain of command, does he have opportunities for influence over her work? If so, the company still needs to be informed, for the same reasons above.

If he’s not in her chain of command and doesn’t have any influence over her work … well, it’s gross, but not something you as a coworker need to get involved with unless it’s causing issues at work.

Related:
should an extramarital affair disqualify someone from a promotion?
my employee is having an affair with a married coworker

2. HR says we shouldn’t use references to decide between finalists

Recently colleagues on my team were having trouble deciding between two great candidates, and I suggested they could use the references to help them decide who to hire.

This was HR’s response: “It is not appropriate to use references as a deciding factor as there may be information conveyed about the candidate that is not directly linked to the job requirements, skills, knowledge, abilities and because we are speaking to different people for references which can mean the responses can vary and could influence the outcome based on their ability to give a ‘good’ reference.” They also mentioned job search confidentiality and that they would only check a reference right before extending an offer and that most references came back as “good” anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

This seems inaccurate with some elements of sure, that makes sense. Agree on keeping their job search quiet but not that we can’t use reference information in the decision-making. What do you think?

I’m a big fan of references when they’re used correctly and think they can be crucial in letting you avoid a bad hire. (Here’s one particularly notable example.) If your HR department finds that they always come back as “good,” they’re not doing them effectively. References aren’t about pass/fail; when done correctly, they can give you nuanced information to help you assess candidates. After all, someone could be great at one type of job and still not well suited for the role you’re hiring for.

That doesn’t mean there can’t be problems with references, too. There can be, so managers need to be trained in what they’re really looking for when talking to references, as well as how to look for patterns, not a single bad take, countering bias, and so forth. But your HR is out to lunch on writing them off entirely.

3. Did I ruin my reputation at my co-op?

I’m currently doing a two-year co-op at a well-known company in a role I’m extremely grateful to have. It’s a fantastic opportunity, and I care deeply about making a strong impression and growing professionally. That’s why I’m feeling especially anxious about a mistake I’ve made, and I’d love your insight on how managers typically view situations like this.

I’ve been here for about two months (out of a 24-month program), and somewhere between weeks 5 and 8 I missed two meetings and was late to three others. These weren’t just informal check-ins — they were with my immediate team or stakeholders I really want to build trust with. My manager brought it up during a check-in — not harshly, but as something to be aware of. I took it seriously and immediately adjusted my habits: double-checking invites, building in buffer time, and setting stricter reminders. Since then, I haven’t been late or missed anything.

Even so, I can’t help but worry that this affected how I’m perceived, especially compared to other interns who may not have made similar mistakes. I know I won’t be evaluated for a potential return offer until the very end of this co-op, likely in late 2026 or early 2027. But I’m scared that these early missteps might stick in people’s minds and work against me when that time eventually comes.

I’ve been doing my best to go above and beyond in every other area — being proactive, learning quickly, asking thoughtful questions, and contributing meaningful work to my team. But I still feel like those few meetings might outweigh everything else.

From your experience, how do managers typically view these kinds of early mistakes if there’s clear and consistent improvement afterward? Am I being too hard on myself, or is this something that might realistically affect my future evaluation?

It’s true that letting that happen multiple times wasn’t good, but it sounds like you took the feedback seriously, adjusted your habits and systems, and haven’t missed any meetings since, which is exactly what you want to do to demonstrate that you understood the problem and it’s under control. And you have a ton of time to demonstrate that since this all happened in the first two months of a 24-month program. In fact, you have 91% of the program remaining to create a different impression, which means that as long as you ensure it doesn’t continue happening, people aren’t likely to still be thinking about this by the time you’re done. You should be fine!

Some reading:

when your boss has to correct your behavior, does it impact their impression of you forever?

4. Can I ask to see Legal’s sign-off?

This is an oversimplification but the legal consequence would be the same: Many people may be familiar with seeing cookie banners when they visit websites. That is because in the EU there are legal requirements about how and when cookies can be used. I was asked if it is technically possible to store information we’d normally put in a cookie using a different storage technique. It is technically possible but in my understanding those techniques are also covered by the same law. I said we’d need Legal’s okay first, thinking they would not okay it. The person came back and said, “Legal okayed it!”

They are not my boss and haven’t asked me to do any work. But if my boss assigns me this ticket next week how do I cover my butt? A team message seems like not enough?

I once tried to teach Legal that a CDN and “the cloud” are the same thing and I got scolded, so I’m not super inclined to try to make sure everyone understands the technology in use here. But I’m not a lawyer either, so I’m not sure about my interpretation of the law either. I’m not actually *in* the EU so I think the personal risk here would be around them looking for someone to throw under the bus if someone files a complaint. How do I protect myself in this situation?

Can you reply back to the original person now and say, “I’m actually really surprised they okayed it, because as far as I understand, this is something we could get in trouble for. Would you mind letting me take a look at exactly what they okayed so I can make sure there’s no miscommunication about what we’d be doing? I don’t want to us to start working on it and then have it cause problems down the road.”

Alternately, you could explain the whole situation to your boss right now and ask for their advice about how to proceed. Or you could wait and see if it’s assigned to you, and then do that then. Any of these is reasonable.

The post exec is having an affair with a young employee, HR says we shouldn’t use references, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/exec-is-having-an-affair-with-a-young-employee-hr-says-we-shouldnt-use-references-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32571