Arduinna

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/i-was-a-mediocre-intern-how-do-i-network-with-former-colleagues-years-later.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31915

A reader writes:

I’m 12 years into my career. Since I finished grad school about eight years ago, I really hit my stride and I’ve excelled in my career. I’m a high-performer, get promoted regularly, get positive feedback from both in and outside my companies, have a great network, regularly am contacted for new job opportunities, etc. My career aligns well with my strengths, and I’ve had comfortable, supportive environments to learn and work on what I perceive as my weaknesses.

In contrast, though, before finishing grad school, I had a few short-term jobs and internships where my performance and approach to work was very different. I never did a bad job or acted out of line — I was just solidly mediocre and needed a lot of feedback and direction. I always took the feedback seriously and ended all of these roles with positive remarks about how much I improved. Looking back, I can identify the reasons for my poor performance — these roles were ambiguous and somewhat unstructured, I lacked confidence and decisiveness, and I was afraid to ask for clarification, all with a side of undiagnosed/unmanaged ADHD.

I’m proud to have overcome these challenges, but I still cringe looking back. I’m in a different offshoot of our field now, but occasionally could cross paths with former colleagues from these jobs. For any other contact in my professional network, I feel confident about reaching out for collaboration, networking, freelance opportunities, or open positions, but for these contacts, I feel ashamed and want to avoid them at all costs.

This has been top of mind recently because one of these former colleagues just started a job at a company I’ve been eyeing for awhile. I’d love to reach out and see how she’s doing, learn more about the company from an insider, and throw my name out in case a job within my current specialty ever came up. But I worry she’d just remember my poor performance as an intern nine years ago, and not see all the growth I’ve had since then, and I’d have a worse shot at a job than if I just applied cold. If I do reach out, what’s the best way to acknowledge my past poor performance and current career success? In general, do people tend to remember intern performance and hold it against them later in their career?

Well, first, a lot of interns need a lot of feedback and direction! That’s the point of internships. It’s actually pretty rare to find an intern who doesn’t need that. The fact that you took feedback seriously, incorporated it into your work, and ended up with positive comments on how much you’d improved actually says you might have been a pretty good intern. Keep in mind that interns are judged against other interns, not against people with the amount of experience you got later. You might have done a fine, even good, job as an intern, within the context of what they were expecting!

Now, maybe there’s more to it than that. If you were regularly dropping balls, forgetting important things, not taking direction, etc. — then sure, maybe this really was poor performance. But I’d encourage you to look at interns you’ve worked with in more recent history (as your more experienced self) and reflect on whether people really were likely to have seen your work as disappointing.

For the sake of argument, though, let’s say you reflect on that and you’re confident that nope, you were pretty bad. A lot of the people from that job might not even remember that at all. Unless you were spectacularly bad (or spectacularly good), most people won’t remember the specifics about an intern’s performance a decade earlier. Some people might remember you being kind of … middling, but because the majority won’t, it’s still worth taking the shot.

Also, when you reach out, give them a brief rundown of your more recent career. When you’re contacting someone after so long, it always makes sense to catch them up on what you’ve been doing recently to put your request in a more current context … and in this case doing that has the bonus of illustrating that you have in fact turned into a responsible, productive member of the field.

The post I was a mediocre intern — how do I network with former colleagues now? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

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https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31915

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/how-can-i-show-empathy-for-my-struggling-employee-while-making-it-clear-her-work-needs-to-improve.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31812

A reader writes:

I’m a manager of individual contributors on a client-facing team. We have a strong culture of empathy and support on our team and across the org, especially for our parents of young children. I’m struggling because one of my direct reports (we’ll call her Jackie) is going through a tough period with her one-year-old and it’s affecting her job performance. I’m wondering how to give feedback that balances empathy with high expectations.

Jackie’s child just started daycare, and of course, that comes with lots of daycare illnesses! Because Jackie’s job is flexible and her husband’s is not, she often has to adjust her schedule accordingly. She generally has to leave 45 minutes early each day to pick up her child from daycare on normal days. I was also alerted by one of Jackie’s friends at work that she is worried about her child’s development. All to say, Jackie has a lot on her plate. I’m not a parent myself, but I have a lot of compassion for her situation. I’ll also note that this is the first time I’ve had a direct report who is in this particular stage of parenting — my other direct reports’ children are slightly older.

Jackie has shared that she is afraid to be seen as “dropping the ball,” but unfortunately, she’s having a lot of trouble completing day-to-day tasks in a timely manner. This is made more complicated by the fact that she has an externally-facing job, and sometimes has to meet with clients on Zoom with a day’s notice. This struggle is affecting her revenue numbers — she’s nowhere close to her quota, and in fact is significantly below where she needs to be, and I’m having a hard time justifying why to company leadership.

So far, I’ve tried the following:
1. Interviewed parents on externally-facing teams to ask about their strategies for balancing their weekly workloads and childcare responsibilities
2. Conducted a “capacity audit” with Jackie where we identified how long each task takes to complete and how many hours/week she spends on different tasks
3. Came up with a weekly calendar for Jackie, which includes 2-4 hours of work time/day to give her enough time for tasks while still preserving (some) flexibility for external calls
4. Established weekly Friday check-ins (in addition to our weekly Tuesday 1:1s) to take stock of what tasks she accomplished this week, what she’s carrying into next week, and create a plan for how to get the work done

Whenever I see a performance issue, I name the issue, then ask lots of questions, build an understanding of the context, and collaborate with my direct report to come up with a plan to address it. I feel like I’ve done as much as I can to make her 9-5 as seamless as possible while preserving her autonomy and not taking on her tasks myself. The problem is, the plan isn’t working, and she still isn’t meeting the mark. How can I give feedback that conveys empathy for Jackie’s situation but makes it clear that she isn’t meeting the core competencies of the job?

You’ve done what sounds like a really good job of trying to collaborate with Jackie to find strategies that will work. The part you haven’t done — and the part it’s time to do — is to let her know that, while you understand the challenges she’s grappling with, her work is significantly below where it needs to be, and you’re at the limits of what you can do on your end to help.

That’s really relevant info for Jackie to know! Since you’ve been so flexible with her, she might not realize that things are approaching a dire point; she may assume you’re willing to continue being as flexible and accommodating as you have been. I suspect you’re thinking there’s nothing else she can change, but we don’t actually know that. If you’re up-front with her that her work is not currently meeting the team’s requirements and her performance needs to change, it’s possible that she might make different arrangements for daycare pick-up, push her husband to cover more of the sick leave, or otherwise do things she’s not currently doing because she doesn’t realize she needs to.

It’s also possible that she can’t change anything else — but even if that’s the case, she deserves to know where she stands so she can make a clear-eyed assessment of her options.

For example: “I know you’re struggling and in a tough period, and I’ve tried to help as much as I can. I want to be up-front with you that your performance is significantly below where it needs to be (give specifics here), and we’re at the point where something needs to change. I can see there are no easy answers and if there’s a different way I can support you on my end, I’m very open to hearing your thoughts, but I do need you to ___ (name specific changes) by the end of the summer (or whatever time period makes sense).”

Coming against the backdrop of how actively you’ve tried to help, I think that message is an inherently empathetic one! You’re recognizing that she’s not slacking for the sake of slacking and she’s in a hard situation, and you’re being honest about where things stand. From there, she may need to decide if the job is still well aligned with her needs or not.

One more note: you’re absolutely right to invest in supporting working parents — too few workplaces do enough of it — but you’ve also got to make sure it doesn’t come at the expense of other people on your team. It’s reasonable to expect people to help pitch in when someone has a short-term situation affecting their work, but if it becomes the long-term plan, you’re going to have people resenting having to pick up the slack (and doubly so if they suspect Jackie is getting more grace than they would get if their own performance were similar).

The post how can I show empathy for my struggling employee while making it clear her work needs to improve? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/how-can-i-show-empathy-for-my-struggling-employee-while-making-it-clear-her-work-needs-to-improve.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31812

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/manager-shared-medical-information-about-my-child-telling-coworkers-i-dont-work-for-free-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32020

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My manager disclosed medical information about my child to my coworker

I’m in the healthcare field, and my role necessitates adhering to confidentiality with clients. In a moment of vulnerability, and as a way to explain an increase in requests for time off, I told my supervisor about a diagnosis my son had just received (I work in pediatrics and my son was diagnosed with a condition we treat at my facility). I explicitly said that I did not intend to tell my immediate colleagues and her response was, “Yes, don’t tell them.”

Days later, she — to my shock — disclosed to me that a colleague was miscarrying. She prefaced this with, “I don’t want you to think that because I am telling you this, that I’m about to spread your business.” I, of course, immediately started to worry that she would.

Fast forward about six months, and I have been feeling more and more queasy about her disclosure of my colleague’s miscarriage. I asked a third colleague whether our supervisor had ever shared personal information about me, and she confirmed that, less than a week after telling me she wouldn’t “spread my business,” our supervisor told my third colleague about my son’s diagnosis.

I’m feeling very frustrated and betrayed, and I’m not sure how to evaluate what next steps to take. Do I report to HR, and risk her being fired (I work with the person who would be promoted into her role, and she is equally toxic)? Do I talk to her directly (though I’m not sure what I would ask for? An apology? A new supervisor?), and risk her retaliating against the coworker who answered me when I asked whether this information was shared? I’m looking for new jobs, but I love my work and the broader team. I’d love to stay, but I’d prefer a competent manager, who doesn’t gossip!

At a minimum you could talk to your manager and ask why she shared your child’s personal medical information after explicitly assuring you that she wouldn’t. You don’t need to be asking for any particular outcome to do that; you’d simply be putting her on notice that when she violates people’s confidentiality, they may find out about it and be unhappy — a useful lesson for her to learn. It won’t necessarily change her behavior (although it should!) but you’re entitled to have that conversation.

It’s also something that would be very reasonable to report to HR, particularly given that confidentiality around medical info is a very big deal in your field! It’s very unlikely that reporting this to HR will result in your boss being fired, unless there have been previous complaints and she was already on thin ice. Typically in a situation like this the person gets warned (and ideally re-trained on confidentiality), not fired.

But if your goal is to get a competent manager, it doesn’t sound like that’s likely to happen at the moment.

2. How to tell coworkers I don’t work for free

I’m a teacher in the adult education sector (not in America). Paid admin hours are calculated based on teaching hours and range from 0-6. As with most teaching jobs, there’s way more admin than you can do in your paid admin time.

My position is: I’m not a volunteer. My employer is not a charity. I don’t work for free. I’m working 5-10 teaching hours a week, so I get 0-1 hour of paid admin. I get my admin done in class time while the students are occupied and I walk out the door on time.

I’m surrounded by martyrs who stay later or take work home, etc. (It’s 99% women and quite a few see teaching as a “vocation” and not a job). I have tried to explain that they’re doing themselves (and their coworkers) no favors by not pushing back. All they’re doing is teaching the powers-that-be that all the work somehow magically gets done, so why not pile on more? Why hire any more staff? It’s like talking to the wall. (Mind you, it doesn’t stop them constantly whinging about the workload!)

So I can’t persuade them, but I am being strict about leaving on time and not working at home myself. But, come the end of the term, I get, “Oh, can you just do this or that?” I’ll say, “No because I don’t have any admin hours.” They say, “Oh, but we’re all working extra hours.” Can you suggest a polite way of saying, “Well, you shouldn’t be, but if you won’t stand up for yourselves, that’s not my fault. See ya”?

“I feel strongly that sticking to our paid hours is in the best interests of the students, since otherwise the administration can’t allocate resources correctly.”

The potential weakness of that response is that it frames it as about the best interests of the students rather than about teachers deserving to be paid for their work (which is ultimately the point I think you want to make), but that’s arguably a strength too, since it makes it harder for people to argue. Either way, it’s a reasonable explanation.

3. Should I always answer emails to confirm appointments?

I am almost done with grad school and in the process of looking for internships and considering jobs. I don’t have any experience of working in an office, so I have question concerning emails: do you always answer an email to confirm meetings, appointments, and short suggestions?

For example, I was invited to an interview and asked for my availability. I responded with multiple options and have now received a confirmation for one of those options. Do I reply back to acknowledge that I have seen the email and that the appointment time still works for me? And do I include the people that were cc’d? The whole exchange happened within two days so nothing has changed about my availability. I don’t want to unnecessarily flood people’s inboxes and I have a hard time writing a one-sentence confirmation email that still looks polished, but if people generally expect a reply in these situations it may look like I haven’t seen the invitation.

Are there different norms for this when you’re applying for jobs and when you already work somewhere (and perhaps have build up the reputation that you don’t miss emails)? Have I been ignoring my professors by not emailing them a quick “thank you” after every short question I’ve sent? Maybe I’m just not yet used to email being a medium through which entire conversations are held!

Yes, you should answer emails confirming appointments to close the loop on your end. You offer a range of times, they pick one, and then you confirm on your end with something like, “Great, I’ll plan to talk with you at 2 pm ET on the 30th. Looking forward to it.” If you don’t do that, some people won’t notice but others will and will wonder whether the call is confirmed or not, so closing the loop that way is more polished and professional. You don’t need to include the people who were cc’d, but generally you should. If they don’t want their inboxes flooded with that kind of thing, they’ll ask the person who initially cc’d them to stop including them; you don’t need to worry about it on your end.

The rules aren’t as concrete for non-appointment-setting emails. You don’t need to send a quick “thank you” for absolutely every response you receive, but when you’re in doubt you should. It gets less necessary when you’re emailing with someone multiple times a week; it’s more necessary when you don’t talk to them that much. Think of it as letting them know their info made it to you and was appreciated and that now the interaction is complete. (You do not need to do this with many group emails, though.)

4. Should I drop out of this interview process because of how they’re handling travel?

You actually answered my question about 11ish years ago about applying for a job and not initially being picked as a finalist but then being asked to interview since someone had dropped out. I wasn’t sure if it would be worth it to go and you said: “Of course it is! This happens all the time!” So I went to that interview, was hired, and have been in that job since (and absolutely love it, btw).

I am always looking for opportunities to grow in my career even though I am very comfortable where I am. So, I applied for a director level position at an organization located several states away. I have interviewed a few times in the last few years and have always worked with a recruiting company who had me book my travel arrangements and they reimbursed me. This org apparently has a travel agent on staff who is doing all the travel arrangements. When they initially contacted me a few weeks ago to ask if I wanted to interview, they connected me with the admin who would be getting me my travel information.

We are now less than two weeks from the interview and, while they confirmed my name and birth date and other info for the plane tickets and flight times, I have not received any confirmation of my flight or any details on how to get my tickets/boarding pass (the confirmation they sent was a screenshot of them booking the flight). They also have not sent any hotel confirmation and, when I asked, she said the hotel was booked and gave me the name of it but said she was still waiting on a confirmation. They also said they weren’t sure I would get a rental car, which seems odd since the org has several different facilities that I would typically want to visit. They also only have me in that city for about 24 hours, which is not enough time for me to really get a feel for the area or know if I want to move there.

I’m at the point where I don’t even think it’s worth my time to interview. I’ve found the process disconcerting and have become very unsure if this is a place I even want to work, but I’m concerned they’ve already booked my flight and dropping out now would look bad on my part. Do you think I should just suck it up and go through with the interview even though I most likely will say no or do you think I should save everybody’s time and just email them now that all this disorganization and back and forth about travel has made me change my mind about interviewing? Am I way off-base that not having my travel information confirmed less than two weeks before my interview is kind of wild?

Yes, you are off-base! You are reading way too much into pretty normal stuff. You’re still nearly two weeks away from the interview; there’s plenty of time for them to get you final details (particularly since they’ve already booked the flight and confirmed the times). When you’re one week out, contact the person again and ask if she can forward you the remaining info so that you’re ready to go.

As for the rental car, unless it’s standard in your field for candidates to visit all the facilities in the area, I wouldn’t assume they know you’d like to do that (or even that they are planning to coordinate that). You can ask about it, but it might not be something they do, or do at this early stage.

If you’d like to spend more than 24 hours in the area to get a better sense of whether it’s somewhere you’d consider moving, you can ask for that. A lot of candidates want to get home as quickly as possible, especially after a first interview (as opposed to a meeting later in the process), but you can speak up and say, “Since this would be a relocation, would it be possible to extend the stay by an extra night so I can check out the area?” It’s probably not realistic to ask them to cover the hotel for longer than that for a first interview (when they haven’t decided you’re a finalist yet), but there’s nothing wrong with asking for an extra night.

Do not cancel an interview over any of this! (It’s interesting how similar this is to your question 11 years ago, when you were also ready to drop out but ended up being glad you didn’t!)

5. Motion sickness and work travel via bus

I’m pretty new to my company (about six months) and am invited to a training session at our secondary site, about three hours away. There is a shuttle bus that goes between the sites. Here’s the thing — I get extremely motion sick, especially on buses. I even wear sea sickness bands on airplanes. I’ve tried motion sickness pills, which can help, but they make me tired; we are traveling the morning of, so I don’t want to be tired for the training. Additionally, I live about an hour from where I work, and not on the way to the secondary site.

Can I ask to drive myself, and how do I ask my boss? The company preference when driving is to get a rental car.

Yes! Say this to your boss: “I get extremely motion sick, and it’s worst on buses. Could I plan to drive myself?” You don’t need to get into the motion sickness pills making you tired, etc. Just state the situation and what you need. (If you’d be up for taking others with you, you could offer that too, but you don’t need to.) If they want you to get a rental car to do it, they can let you know that.

The post manager shared medical information about my child, telling coworkers I don’t work for free, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/manager-shared-medical-information-about-my-child-telling-coworkers-i-dont-work-for-free-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32020