Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/coworker-keeps-sticking-out-his-tongue-on-zoom-reassuring-coworkers-about-me-not-being-promoted-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32649

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker keeps sticking out his tongue on Zoom meetings

My former manager/current colleague (a 46-year-old man) has a habit of having his tongue stuck out during Zoom meetings when he’s not talking (hybrid workplace, I’m fully remote). Frequently we see him flicking it around like he’s licking an invisible lollipop. I’m talking at least five times in an hour-long meeting. This scares numerous female colleagues, who have told me as such.

This isn’t a medical issue; it’s just a habit (I asked him, being an autistic person, so wondered if it was stimming and he said, “Oh haha, it’s just a habit when I focus”). Is it okay to tell him to mind what his tongue does while in meetings or is this a “live and let tongue” situation? He’s not hurting anyone physically or being menacing, but it’s distracting people. I often have to pretend I’m having technical difficulties and turn off video to conceal my laughter. On the other hand, I don’t want the guy to feel hurt or embarrassed because I know what it feels like to have an atypical behavior pointed out.

I can see why it’s incredibly distracting and off-putting, but it’s not really your role to ask him to stop. If he were doing it in a one-on-one meeting with you, you’d have more standing (“Is everything okay? You keep sticking your tongue out and it’s really distracting”) but other than that, your best bet is to turn off video if it’s distracting.

I suppose there are certain relationships where you could just say, “Dude, you keep sticking your tongue out, it’s distracting” … but I’m guessing you’d know if you had one of those with him.

Also, are people really scared or is that hyperbole? If they’re genuinely scared — like they think he’s being salaciously threatening in some way — they should raise that with his boss, but I’m guessing it might be more just grossed out.

2. Reassuring coworkers about me not being promoted

I recently didn’t get my former boss’ job, despite filling that role for 15 months while the search was ongoing. This was obviously a disappointment for me, but I do like my current job and coworkers, so I have no plans for moving on. I also completely understand why the decision was made to bring in someone from outside to help with the significant challenges the department is currently facing. This person has expertise where we particularly need it so, while I’m disappointed, I’m okay with the decision.

The problem I’m currently having is that, apparently, EVERYONE around me expected me to get the job, including people in my department and other departments at our location (we’re in a satellite office). I had to spend about an hour yesterday scraping a coworker off of the ceiling (he would have become my direct report had I gotten the job) because he was so angry that I hadn’t gotten the job. He was carrying on and threatening to email our grandboss to complain about the decision, and I had to talk him down. He’s not the only one who has been upset. I’m now spending a couple hours a day consoling other people about me not getting the promotion. It’s exhausting. I know people are trying to be supportive, but it’s tiring to have to explain the decision and be performatively okay and chipper about not being chosen for the job. There’s also an undercurrent of, “Hey, you were a shoo-in! How did you screw up so badly?!?!” Note – I never thought this, but apparently others did.

I’m tired. I’m dealing with my own heady mixture of feelings of disappointment and relief and wondering if I could have done something differently without having to deal with everyone else’s emotions. It seems to be meant to be supportive, but it’s actually exhausting. This will, of course, naturally die down in time as the new guy starts and the info slowly trickles around. But, there’s about 150 people in this location in various departments, and the thought of having to hand-hold all of them is giving me the willies. Any suggestions on how to smooth this transition would be useful.

The next time someone starts in, cut them off and say this: “Let me interrupt — you couldn’t have known, but you’re like the 10th person in the last few days to come to me upset, and it’s been pretty exhausting. I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I am fine with the decision, and I’d be so grateful if we can just leave it there.”

3. My boss pushed me to apply for a promotion, then sent me a form rejection

A manager position recently came open where I work. My boss called me in his office and asked if I was planning to apply. I told him no, that I didn’t feel I was qualified. He asked me to consider it. Later that day, my grandboss called me in to her office and asked the same question. I told her the same thing, that I felt there were others who were more qualified than me. She gave me several reasons why the people I mentioned weren’t suited for the job.

A week later, my boss asked if I’d thought about applying for the position. I told him that I had thought about it and didn’t feel it was the right time for me to apply. He doubled down and said he thought I was the best person for the position and the opportunity might not present itself again if I declined. He also implied that the interview panel would be hand selected to choose who he and grandboss wanted in the position, i.e. me. So I applied and was invited for an interview. I felt it went well. I was prepared, answered all questions thoroughly, and got several approving nods from the panel.

I received an email a week later saying I was not selected for the position. What happened?? I feel like a complete idiot for even applying!

Whoa, they really mishandled it. They weren’t obligated to hire you for the position just because they pushed you to apply, but they absolutely were obligated to talk to you to explain the decision after such extensive lobbying to get you to throw your hat in the ring.

As for what happened with the decision itself, who knows — a stronger candidate could have emerged unexpectedly, or you might have said something in the interview that gave them pause, or all sorts of other things. But regardless, you don’t pressure someone so hard to apply internally and then reject them with a form email. That’s crappy. You can definitely ask for feedback if you want to, and as part of that you could say, “I didn’t expect the position was mine just because you encouraged me to apply, but I would have rather heard about the rejection directly from you rather than through a form letter, given the context.”

4. Why doesn’t this communications job want a cover letter?

I am in the process of applying for senior-level positions in marketing communications in which I would work directly with top executives. At one especially interesting employer, there is nowhere in their application portal where it says to upload a cover letter. There is a place to upload my resume and a section to answer several questions about one aspect of the position, but that’s it.

Given the level of responsibility for this position and the fact that it’s in communications, it seems strange that they don’t ask for a cover letter. And I really want to include one, in part to show how a particular aspect of my qualifications may indeed fit their requirements even though it might not seem apparent at first. There’s also an unusual part of my experience that applies directly to this particular company’s mission and I want to connect those dots. Should I just attach a cover letter to my resume? Why aren’t they asking for a cover letter?

There are all sorts of possibilities: they could be an employer that doesn’t care about cover letters (they exist!), they could plan to ask for a more specific writing sample later in the process, they could figure that for a very senior communications job they’re going to be able to do the first-pass screening based on experience alone and will assess writing later in the process, they could be using the same application system for all positions and it’s just not well suited for this one, and on and on.

If you think your cover letter will strengthen your application, it’s absolutely fine to include it in one overall PDF for resume and cover letter. If they don’t care to read it, they’ll simply ignore that part — but it’s completely fine to do it that way (and you won’t be the only person who does).

5. Running into someone who revoked a job offer

About a year ago, I accepted an offer at a big tech company. I had signed paperwork, passed background checks, selected a laptop, and was minutes away from submitting my resignation to my then-job when the recruiter called revoking the offer, citing “changes in business need.”

The hiring manager (global head of the org) proceeded to call me multiple times and left voicemails asking to chat, and I replied by email that I was processing the news and would prefer to connect later that week. When we finally spoke a few days later, she was apologetic and made all these offers to introduce me to people in her network or to help me find a different opportunity. She also asked me to send her other roles I saw at that company so she could put in a word.

Then, she promptly blocked me on LinkedIn and never responded to my email with the information she requested. I heard through the grapevine that company lawyers got involved with how the situation was handled. Whether related or unrelated, she parted ways with the company a few weeks later amid a large reduction in workforce.

The experience really affected my confidence and mental health for a stretch of time. A mentor who had helped me with negotiation even seemed to doubt me whether it was a change in business need or some misstep I had unknowingly made (it wasn’t), which just made it all worse.

Fast forward to now: I have moved on to a leadership role at a different company. I just found out that this hiring manager will be at a niche industry event local to me that I am also attending. I had not worried about crossing paths with her as we live in different parts of the world and I’m surprised she will be there, frankly.

This is a small event, so it’s not really a matter of avoiding her. I don’t want to ice her out and can be professional, but I also don’t exactly want to engage or interact at all with her. I’d love any advice or talking points to stick to!

She should feel all of the awkwardness and you should feel none. It’s bad enough to pull a job offer, but to promise a bunch of help and then turn around and block you!? (For what it’s worth, it sounds a lot like the offer may have been pulled because they were gearing up for those large-scale layoffs. That would make a lot of sense, and it would have nothing to do with either of you … although her ghosting you after going so far out of her way to offer to help is all on her.)

Anyway, just treat her like you would someone you know only slightly in passing — “Nice to see you,” “What are you working on currently?” and the other bland niceties that get thrown around at networking events. You don’t need to reference how you know each other or what happened last time — just some vague pablum and then excuse yourself to get some coffee.

The post coworker keeps sticking out his tongue on Zoom, reassuring coworkers about me not being promoted, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/coworker-keeps-sticking-out-his-tongue-on-zoom-reassuring-coworkers-about-me-not-being-promoted-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32649