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metafilter_feedmetafilter_feedaskamanager_feedIt’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. A reader writes:
Would you consider an Ask the Readers on what people wish they’d known when they first became managers? I’ve just stepped into my first leadership role, moving from being a highly regarded individual contributor (who task managed teams for different projects) to actually managing a small department and wow, it’s a much bigger shift than I expected.
I’d love to hear what helped others get over that hump, what made things easier, what surprised them, and what they wish they’d known earlier.
Bonus points for advice on:
• Managing people who’ve been on the team for years but weren’t hired for this role despite applying
• Handling the weird loneliness of the “finding your feet” stage in a new leadership job
Readers?
The post what do you wish you’d known when you started managing people? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
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fan_flashworks100ships prompt “green”. Mid-episode “The Egg-Pire Strikes Back Part 1”, canon divergent. A little crack-y. (Second chances as in this being a villain’s second chance at doing their evil plan [though the second attempt has admittedly gone off the rails].)metafilter_feedglitteryv posting in recthethingmetafilter_feedmetafilter_feedmetafilter_feedmetafilter_feedaskamanager_feedIt’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. The etiquette of “participation noises” in meetings
I was very recently diagnosed as neurodivergent, and exploring my actions through that lens has thrown up some questions for me about whether I am missing a few cues. I work for a grant-making foundation as the grants and funding manager, and my role partially involves traveling around our state visiting our grant applicants and grantee partners. My state is very rural and very low in the national education rankings, and most of these meetings aren’t exactly adhering to corporate norms. One of the things that often happens is what I could term “audience participation,” where the other people present often make noises of agreement, support, surprise, anger, etc., as the speaker talks. This is very common, and I think it arises out of the church/religious culture that is very prevalent in those communities.
I’m a bit of a conversational magpie, so I quickly picked up the same mannerisms in the grantee meetings I attend, and they definitely help me build stronger relationships with our partners. But I’m noticing now I also do it in the office with my colleagues and in Zoom calls with national partners. I’m a fairly chirpy person, and I like making other participants feel respected, seen, and included. I often feel that these verbal cues signal engagement in the conversation, and I do have a hard time if I am talking and I’m getting only silence back. However, with my recent diagnosis, I wonder if I’m not picking up on social cues from the different environments. My colleagues don’t do this; they just sit in silence watching the person speaking. Should I be more conscious of my verbal acknowledgements in corporate meetings and conversations?
Oh, this is such an interesting question, and I think it ultimately comes down to the culture where it’s happening (or not happening). In any meeting, I think a little of it is fine and can be welcome for all the reasons you say — it can signal engagement in the conversation and help people feel like they’re not talking to a sea of blank faces. But in a meeting where no one else is doing it, if you’re doing it a lot it can distract people and come across as out of sync. (That’s especially true on video calls if it means the screen will flash to you every time you do it.)
On the other hand, who knows — maybe a bunch of your colleagues appreciate this about you. But since you’re asking, I’d calibrate it closer to the level of what other people in that particular meeting are doing.
2. Someone is leaving religious notes in the bathroom
I work in a corporate office with multi-stall restrooms on each floor. Over time, it’s become a norm for employees to place small items like hand lotion or soap in the bathrooms. I have worked on several floors and recently moved to a new to me floor.
On this floor, someone has begun placing these items in the restroom with handwritten notes on the bottles warning that the item is to not be removed (perfectly okay) but it includes religious language with an aggressive and admonishing tone. We are a conservative industry but not religiously affiliated. (I am not going to quote the phrase as it’d give me away.)
This restroom is also used by clients and visitors when they’re on-site, which adds to my discomfort. I do not object to the presence of communal items or a warning that items should remain in the bathroom. I object to the religious and scolding tone of the warning. It makes me personally uncomfortable and could see where a client on vendor may take offense and risk our company’s reputation.
I am not in HR or facilities and I do not know who has placed these items. How would you recommend I address this?
Personally, I’d throw them out. If you don’t want your stuff thrown out, don’t label them with religious threats. Simple solution, done.
But if you don’t want to do that, it’s entirely reasonable to give HR and/or facilities a heads-up about the issue and say employees shouldn’t be exposed to religious proselytizing while they’re washing their hands.
3. Should I ask my coworker if he’s secretly assessing my work?
A coworker in the role above me asked to shadow me tomorrow. The reason he gave was that his manager wants him to get more in touch with what I do and that I’m working on a technically interesting project. This seems entirely possible to me, given the roles largely do distinct and separate work, but part of me is wondering if he’s actually just going to be observing my performance in my role.
We don’t have any direct oversight while we work, and my direct manager is in a different office so doesn’t work with me often. My annual review is next week and I’m in-line to move up to the same position as my coworker in a couple months. I don’t think it matters whether he’s observing me or not, I guess I just want transparency.
Should I ask my coworker if he’s assessing my work? We have a friendly relationship, but I don’t want to come off as self-centered or paranoid.
I wouldn’t. It doesn’t really change anything, and it risks creating an awkward situation where there doesn’t need to be one — especially if the reason they gave you is the entirety of it. (But really, if he’s assessing your work because they’re considering promoting you and they want his input, that’s reasonable. And if he’s assessing your work because they have concerns about it and he’s the best equipped to evaluate what’s happening, that’s reasonable too.)
But at the start of the shadowing, you could say something like, “There are lots of pieces to what I do, and some will be less useful to shadow than others. Can you tell me a little about what you’re most interested in seeing and what you’re hoping to come away with, and I’ll focus there?”
4. HR is giving conflicting info about whether you can be rehired after damaging a work vehicle
A few months ago, my young adult daughter took a paid internship with a local government department. She caused minor cosmetic damage to a work vehicle which required automatic termination, per policy. She talked to HR afterwards to understand when she might qualify for rehire and was told there was no policy on that, it was just up to the hiring manager.
Four months later, a permanent position opened up and her manager called HR and confirmed that she was eligible for rehire, so the manager put her hire paperwork through. Surprisingly, HR blocked it and said she is not eligible for rehire.
What’s reasonable to do here? Can she ask HR to confirm what policy applies? Ask when or if she’ll ever be eligible for rehire? She’s frustrated that HR seems to have some secret expectations on rehire and no one, not even the hiring manager, knows what they are.
Why do we care so much? Because in four months she’s put in 100+ applications, most met with automatic email denials and not a single call back, but that’s a separate frustration.
Yeah, if they told her it was up to the hiring manager and then HR blocked it anyway, I can see why you and she are frustrated. It’s possible that the initial info she was given was wrong. It’s also possible that the later block shouldn’t have happened. The person best positioned to find out is the hiring manager since it sounds like they wanted to hire her. Any chance they like your daughter enough that they’d be willing to push a little on this?
Otherwise, she can try calling HR and asking, explaining that she’s been told two different things and is just trying to get clarity. They may or may not give her a satisfying answer, though. The hiring manager is more likely to be able to get real info.
5. How to thank my references after getting a job
I just got a new job, thanks in part to your fantastic advice (the hiring manager told me my cover letter was the best one she received, and I was also able to negotiate a pay bump and additional time off using your scripts)!
I’m now wondering how I can express my gratitude to my wonderful references. I’ve already sent thank-you texts to all three of them, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I considered sending physical thank-you cards, but I don’t know two of their home addresses (though I suppose I could mail the cards to their current employers). A small gift/gift card feels a bit weird, like a payoff. What say you?
How effusive were those thank-you texts? If they were just a single line like “thanks so much for the reference, I got the job!” you can write a more effusive email to each of them now, telling them how much you appreciate their time and support. If the texts already did that, though, then your job is done.
You shouldn’t send anything more than that, because it would imply that they were doing you a special favor and/or will make it feel more transactional than it should. They gave you great references because they think you do great work and they’re happy to connect another employer with you. A thoughtful, personal email letting them know you got the job and how excited you are about it, and maybe something about how much you appreciated working with them is all that’s needed. (But bonus points if you can mention something you learned from them that has helped you in your career.)
The post “participation noises” in meetings, someone is leaving religious notes in the bathroom, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
metafilter_feedpronker posting in fancake
metafilter_feedmetafilter_feedmetafilter_feedaskamanager_feedEarlier this month, we talked about times when coworkers have really overshared at work, and here are 10 of the most ridiculous stories you shared.
1. The wireless mike
At a local stage production, while the audience sat quietly in the darkened theater awaiting the start of the show, a graphic description of the previous night’s one-night stand, including groans of subsequent aches and chafing, clearly came out over the leading lady’s wireless microphone clipped to her costume as she relieved herself on the toilet.
2. The skit
I used to be a teacher at a prison — very odd population of people, a mix of mercenaries, martyrs, and misfits. For a statewide conference, the team from each prison came up to the stage and gave a brief (10 minutes, I think?) overview of their program. Ours was about some new technology we’d just gotten and some light bragging about attendance at a recent graduation ceremony.
Another team came up and did an absolutely unhinged skit about the personality conflicts they’d had in the last year, including publicly accusing two teachers of having an affair. These were all people in their 40s or older who absolutely should have known better.
3. The tattoo
Last year, a client in his mid-60s decided to get a tattoo, and decided I was the person who would be most excited for him. I talk to him maybe a couple times a year and have no tattoos of my own. He told me all about the tattoo, the design’s personal significance, the process of finding an artist, and how much his wife hated the idea and was going to kill him for getting it. I was the first person he showed when it to, as he texted me a photo literally minutes after it was done. He then called me the following week to fill me in on the fight he had with his wife afterwards. Haven’t spoken to him since.
4. The last year
My coworker once asked me what year I was born, and upon learning the year said: “Oh! That was the last year my husband touched me. I miss sex sometimes.”
I was speechless. I think my response was to mutter condolences and walk away.
5. The vasectomy
My boss told me all about his vasectomy on my first day of work.
6. The PIN
We bought a couple of key lockboxes for work. I asked my coworker what four-digit code he wanted for them. He immediately picked one and, as I started setting the combination, he told me, “That’s my bank card PIN number!”
7. The meeting delay
I had a sorta boss who used to begin our weekly group meetings with, “Sorry, I was shitting.” If you had any type of negative reaction to that, she’d just stare you down and give a very condescending, “You know, everybody poops. You’re the one with the hang up here” type lecture.
8. The new hire’s surgery
A coworker gave me a detailed explanation of her breast reduction surgery. Complete with indicating where on her chest things had been.
It was HER FIRST DAY.
9. The toenail
I had a coworker with a bad toe infection for which she was receiving medical treatment for months. She took pictures of the infected toe every day and without fail would describe the condition of her toe each day and try to show the pictures to me.
10. The car salesman
I was shopping for a car and went to a dealer for a test drive. We start off on the test drive and the sales guy is in the back seat. He leans up in the gap between the front seats, one elbow on each. “So, can I ask you a question?” Thinking he’s going to ask something about the car and how I like it, I say sure. “Do you think exes can still be friends?”
I . . . what? Um, yes, I guess so, if they both want to be? He then proceeded to detail his relationship with his (ex-) girlfriend, how they’d planned to move to this area together, but then she broke up with him and said they could stay friends, then she moved here without him, so he followed and moved here, so maybe they could stay friends.
My dude, if she said you could stay friends, then moved 1,000 miles away, chances are she didn’t really mean it and she’s probably a bit concerned that you moved 1,000 miles to follow her.
I did not buy the car.
The post the unhinged skit, the bank card PIN, and other times coworkers massively overshared at work appeared first on Ask a Manager.
askamanager_feedA reader writes:
Although I have managed project teams for many years, I have only started supervising staff directly in the last few years and am about to begin managing my first fully remote employee.
Any advice on managing a fully remote employee? I’m fine with task management for project teams in different locations, but being someone’s supervisor also includes supporting their professional growth, making sure we as the employer are meeting their needs, addressing problems that may arise, and assigning work to meet chargeability goals. I also want to make sure that this employee stays happy, especially as she grows professionally. And my reports and I are known as a “team” — how do I foster this when one member is remote?
It is long past time for a round-up of posts on being an effective remote manager so here you go!
the basics
how to oversee a remote team’s work
how to manage off-site employees
how to overcome your worries about letting people work remotely
how to stay connected to colleagues when no one works in the same place
how to decide whether to let someone work remotely
do I need to foster relationship-building on my (remote) team?
should I require people to leave their video on during team meetings?
potential problems
how can remote managers address problems they hear about secondhand?
how to know a remote worker has checked out – and what to do about it
is there a way to find out if someone secretly has two full-time jobs?
how do I recover after a remote employee took advantage of my trust?
we need to tell our remote employees they can’t take care of young kids while they’re working
my employee refuses to reveal her online status
should I get rid of remote work because our in-office staff thinks it’s unfair?
some things not to do
my remote boss wants to know every time I go to the bathroom
my bosses want our remote team to work out together 3 times a week
And ultimately, managing well remotely is about doing all the things it takes to manage well on-site too — they just matter even more when you’re remote (as I argue here). So all of this advice for new managers will apply as well:
The post how can I be a good manager of a remote team? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
askamanager_feedA reader writes:
I’m writing in about a situation a friend is in. He was at the annual convention for his employer organization when he was called into a meeting with his boss and his boss’s boss. They informed him that he was under investigation and they couldn’t tell him anything more, but that he was to leave the convention immediately as they’d canceled his hotel room. (I should note that the convention was an hour’s drive from his home, so it’s not like he had to reschedule flights or anything.)
The day after the convention, they sent him an email informing him that he was terminated. The reason for his termination? They had discovered he had applied for another job, which they considered to be disloyal. (Apparently he sent in an application for a job that would be a step up from this one, that manager knew his boss’s boss, and called to ask for a reference without clearing it with my friend.) He’d only had good reviews from his manager prior to this.
I’m a manager myself. He had only been with this organization for eight months. If I found out an employee was looking elsewhere in that short of a timeframe, I don’t think I’d be pleased, but I think I’d try to figure out why the employee was unhappy or game plan for their eventual departure, not fire them immediately.
Is this as wild a reaction as I think it is? He said he knew it was a dysfunctional workplace, which is why he was looking elsewhere, but still … this seems like such an overreaction and I just feel terrible for him.
Yeah, this is ridiculous and frankly awful.
It’s not “disloyal” to apply for other jobs (!). Employment isn’t a marriage. It’s a business arrangement that is generally understood to last only as long as it remains in both parties’ best interests.
A company that gets angry that an employee is looking around at their options is usually a company that knows on some level that it won’t measure up — because they’re underpaying or not treating people well.
To be clear, I wouldn’t be thrilled to find out that a good employee was actively interviewing after only eight months — but that’s because I don’t want to lose good employees, not because it would be a betrayal of any sort. When a manager learns that kind of thing, the right response is to reflect on why the person might be looking: are they underpaid? Is the job different than what they’d thought it would be? Have they expressed frustrations with the work that I haven’t been able to resolve? Are there actions I can take now that would help retain them?
And sure, I might also do some game-planning for their possible exit, like thinking about any cross-training gaps that we should address with more urgency. In some cases I might get nervous if I was planning something key around them still being here in a few months, and I might think about whether there was a way to talk to them about their likely longevity in the role.
None of that is about firing the person. Firing them is absurd.
And if this employer thinks none of their other employees ever interview for other roles because of loyalty, they are out of their gourds. In fact, ironically, a place that fires someone for job-searching is much less likely to be the sort of workplace that inspires loyalty in employees, because it’s a symptom of the sort of toxicity people are usually actively working to escape, not feeling inspired by to stick around long-term.
The post is it reasonable to be fired if your boss finds out you’re interviewing? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
askamanager_feedIt’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My boss says three female employees having dinner together would be discrimination
I recently organized a dinner with two of my closest colleagues/friends. It was planned outside of work hours and paid for personally. The dinner grew to include the three other women employees. When my supervisor found out, he said it was gender discrimination because none of the 15 male employees were invited. Without naming names, he made a public announcement about it at our next department meeting.
Is it gender discrimination if women coworkers want to have dinner together in their own social time? Aren’t women a protected legal class?
Men and women are protected legal classes; the class is sex and gender, not just women. (In other words, you can’t discriminate against employees on the basis of sex or gender, no matter what sex or gender they happen to be.)
But a group of coworkers casually socializing outside of work because they happen to be friends is not illegal discrimination — just like if the three of you happened to be white or happened to be Methodist. If you were framing the event as “this is only for women/Methodists to attend and no one else can,” that would be an issue. If you were using the event to plot some harassment of employees of a different protected class, that would be an issue. If you had multiple events with this group and the impact of the events over time led to discrimination against employees of a different protected class (like if only people who attended these dinners were considered for promotion by others in attendance), that would be an issue. If the dinners became a formal company tradition and only people in this one protected class were invited, that would be an issue.
In other words, if all the details were different, that could be an issue depending on what those details were (here’s an example of when that becomes problematic).
Three friends having a casual dinner together is not an issue.
Updated because of math: There are six of you! A single dinner is still fine, although if you started doing it on a regular basis, your manager would have more of a point.
2. How do I lay people off when I disagree with the decision?
I was recently hired into a very senior leadership role at a family-owned company. Since starting, it’s become clear that the company’s finances — and the owners’ personal finances — are in serious trouble, and together they’re pushing us toward a financial cliff. We don’t have outside investors, so when the business needs cash, the owners fund it directly. Based on what I’m seeing, I believe they’ve exhausted both personal resources and business options like credit lines and loans. My predecessor assured me as I raised questions in the transition that ownership always “figures it out,” but I was skeptical even then, and now have mounting evidence to the contrary.
Ownership is advocating for severe staffing cuts in mission-critical areas. The rest of the leadership team and I can’t see how the company will function without certain roles, even with creative workarounds. These cuts won’t come with raises for remaining staff, but will coincide with significant increases to the owners’ salaries and continued spending on vanity projects. We’ve proposed alternative cuts and operational changes that could help, but ownership is resisting or refusing to consider them. Each budget meeting feels collaborative, only to be followed by communications doubling down on and adding even more extreme cuts.
How do I message this to the people I’ll have to lay off and to those left behind? Ownership will likely push these conversations onto me, since they avoid difficult discussions and the affected staff report to me. I don’t feel I can honestly say this was simply a necessary financial decision when I’m actively advocating for viable alternatives, but I also don’t think it’s appropriate to tell my team I was “forced” into it. How do I handle this without destroying trust in me and ownership? (Or even just in me! I’m less concerned about preventing the owners from digging their own graves, but still need to manage my own people effectively with trust and dignity amidst the chaos.)
“I’m very sorry to have to give you this news. Your work has been excellent, and the decision was made above my head. I’m available to give you a glowing reference and for anything else I can do to help.”
You should stay away from openly saying you disagree with the decision; that risks getting repeated back to the owners at some point, which is a problem when you’re acting as a representative of the company, and it has the potential to be raised in legal proceedings in ways you might not intend. But it’s okay to say the decisions were made at a level above you and then focus on what you’re able to do to help them in what comes next.
I’d also think about what you can do to help people on your team see the writing on the wall before the actual layoffs. You need to navigate that carefully so that you’re not disclosing information you’re not permitted to disclose, but there are often ways to hint to people that their jobs aren’t stable.
3. My boyfriend’s boss penalized him for calling off work, then picking up his medications
My boyfriend works at the same big box grocery store where he picks up his medications. He has an ADA accommodation for several chronic conditions, one which can cause his body to go numb and he cannot control his arms or legs very well. These spasms can happen at any time, and when they do he cannot move well or lift anything for 3-5 hours.
There have been several instances where he calls out for having these spasms, but will go to his store after they are over to pick up medications from the pharmacy, and every time the store manager sees him, he is written up for it, and often his manager challenges the validity of his ADA accommodation since he “called out.”
There was another instance where he had to leave work while having a spasm but his manager listed it as unpaid time off instead of sick leave because my boyfriend didn’t specifically cite his accommodation when he notified them he had to leave.
Am I crazy in thinking this is absolutely illegal? He takes a lot of medications and is often picking them up quite regularly. I’ve thought about telling him to find another pharmacy but he doesn’t have a car.
Yes, this is illegal. Not being able to work is different than not being able to pick up medications from a pharmacy. Your boyfriend should talk to his store’s HR about what’s happening and ask that his manager be clearly told to stop harassing him about his health and his medical accommodations, and to have the write-ups in his file removed.
He should also ask that they reclassify the time that his manager listed as unpaid when it should have been sick time (but he also needs to be clear about what’s happening, particularly with this manager, so they know it’s time off that falls under his accommodation).
And yes, if at all possible he should find another pharmacy to use. Is switching to mail order an option?
4. Buying seat upgrades at my own expense for work travel
I’m a part-time administrator at a sports team that’s a member of a national league for an obscure sport. Every year the league books flights for representatives of each group to attend a meeting at their headquarters to discuss business, vote on new rules, etc., but their travel budget is limited and the only flights they’re able to pay for are usually undesirable in some way, like red-eye flights or basic economy with no carry-ons or from a less convenient home airport. I could book my own travel and later get reimbursed up to the limit, but the meetings happen during an off-peak time for that sport and it’s better for our budget to not have to float the entire price of travel.
Are there any issues with accepting the ticket the league arranges for me, then paying the airline the difference for a cabin upgrade or earlier/different origin flight? Does this look overly inflexible or ungracious? When I travel for my day job, they don’t have the same budget restrictions as the league does, so I haven’t faced this question there, and the league colleagues I’ve talked to haven’t thought about it because they’re either OK with the flights they get or just drive there.
Nope, that is fine to do, but you might have an easier time if you let them know you’re doing it — because it could be cheaper for you if the flight is originally booked at the airport you want to use rather than potentially having to pay a change fee. It’s fine to say something like, “I know we’re limited to flights like X and Y because of budget, but Z would be much easier for me so I’m going to cover the difference to make that happen.”
5. Sending my resume to recruiters I’ve worked with on the employer side of hiring
Over the years, I have been on hiring panels where we have worked with external recruiters. As I get ready to start job hunting, is it weird or inappropriate or a bad idea to send an email with my resume to those recruiters we worked with to let them know I’m looking? My current employer isn’t working with the recruiting firms that I have in mind that I’m thinking of.
No, very normal to do! Not weird at all.
The post my boss says 3 of us having dinner would be discrimination, boyfriend got in trouble for picking up medicine, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
timeasmymeasure
