Arduinna

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/05/boss-tells-me-to-solve-everything-myself-how-much-contact-should-i-have-with-my-teenagers-manager-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30495

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Am I obligated to use my personal network for my job?

I work for a nonprofit in a general admin role that involves some development as well (we’re very small, so it’s kind of all-hands-on-deck). From the start, I have been urged by the executive director (my direct boss) to send our fundraising appeals to my own friends and family, and he’s very pointedly asked me about any wealthy people/possible donors I might know. I mostly managed to wiggle out of that one by making it clear that I don’t have any wealthy friends. However, as we move into our big fundraising season I’m being asked to use my personal network to procure things like prizes for auctions/raffles. I have (decidedly non-wealthy) friends who own small businesses in the area, and my boss has asked me to approach them for in-kind donations, etc.

Here’s the thing: I have been actively looking to leave this job for months. I’m about two seconds away from rage-quitting without a safety net, and currently just attempting to hold on until I can get another job lined up. I have a lot of problems with this organization, including my incredibly micromanaging, pushy boss and a larger creeping worry about the way our money is spent.

I have no interest in (what I see as) exploiting my friends to support a nonprofit I do not believe in. My job description does contain some development work, but it’s mostly the administrative side of fundraising — logging gifts, sending acknowledgments, running reports. It does not list gift solicitation as one of my responsibilities. I am not a schmoozer; I’m a behind-the-scenes spreadsheet-maker, and I would not have accepted this job if making these asks was listed as one of the core job components.

I am sure that more of these requests will be coming in as we enter our busy season, and I’m unsure how to say “no” when my boss asks me to dog my friends for auction prizes. Am I really expected to mine my personal network in this way? For what it’s worth, I’ve worked at a variety of nonprofits, sometimes as part of a development team, and have never been so aggressively pushed to use my personal connections for the benefit of the organization. I’d love your take on what I could say to my boss to make this clear without making the (hopefully short!) remainder of my time here more miserable than it is.

If it comes down to it, I’m prepared to just say “no,” even if there are repercussions. I have written off this boss as a possible future reference because he has very little professional decorum and I think he’d reflect badly on me, even if the reference he gave was overall positive. People find him very off-putting and he has a tendency to ramble and talk constantly about how hard he works. So I’m extremely prepared to burn this bridge, was just wondering if there’s any way I can set this boundary without doing so.

It’s not unusual for staff in nonprofits, especially small ones, to be encouraged to fundraise among their own networks (including for things like auction donations), but it should be left to your judgment about who to approach and how to do it, including whether to do it at all. And you’re not obligated to do it if you prefer not to.

As for how to handle it, do you want the easiest way or the stand-on-principle way? Because while you’re proposing the stand-on-principle way (saying no), the easier way to just say you’ve asked and they can’t help (without actually asking them). Your boss isn’t entitled to a full and honest accounting of what you’ve tried in response to an inappropriate request like this; you can simply use your own judgment, decide your friends would say no, and report that they said no. If you want, feel free to add in, “They seemed uncomfortable that I asked, and I think it would harm the relationship to request anything else.”

Additional advice here:
my job wants me to hit up everyone I know for money and other help

2. Stakeholder going beyond bounds of their scope in feedback

Let’s say I work as a project manager in teapot design and production. I send designs to a handful of stakeholders for input and approval based on their subject matter expertise. Most people know to speak to their area of expertise and know that I’m not asking them for their personal opinion on the designs themselves.

One stakeholder is only supposed to weigh in on whether her area’s social media team would be interested in engaging with the designs on platforms when they’re finalized and ready to start marketing. I do not need this person’s opinions on the designs themselves. This does not stop this person from asking me if the curve of the handle can be deeper because it’s ugly as is, or if we can add more filigree to the lid border, or things of that nature — basically applying her personal taste to the actual designs when that’s not her role on this project, or any project we consult with her on. It doesn’t help that it takes her several days beyond when I ask to have comments back by, so this is not the only issue I encounter with her.

I’m not especially close to or familiar with this stakeholder, but I do want someone, whether that’s me or another party, to level-set with her on exactly what feedback I’m asking for in the review phase. I was put in touch with her because of the account manager, and I wonder if Accounts might be the better party to manage expectations with her. For what it’s worth, the account manager and I are very aligned on what feedback we need from this person.

Any advice on how to do this warmly, but directly? I want to be collaborative and maintain a good relationship with her since I can’t just go to a different person, but I don’t need a dozen stakeholders turning into creative directors when that function is covered elsewhere and that’s not the feedback I need from them.

The next time you send her something for review, be very, very explicit about what input you are and are not asking for. For example: “I’m seeking your input on ABC, but not on the design itself (things like the lids and handle are being handled elsewhere).” It’s possible that simply spelling it out clearly will solve the problem, but if after that she again sends you feedback outside the scope of what you need, you should reply, “I’m incorporating your input on ABC, but we aren’t looking for feedback on the design at this point (and have different stakeholders charged with that). I want to make sure you know that so you don’t spend time on design feedback in the future.” If it still happens after that, give her a call or talk in person the next time you have something to send her. Say basically the same thing, and frame it as, “I don’t want you to spend time on input we can’t use, so I want to explain exactly what we are and aren’t looking for.”

If that fails, you could involve the account manager, but with most people this would be something you could solve with the approach above.

3. My manager tells me to solve everything myself, even when I need her help

I’m seeking a sanity check on a situation with my manager and my current role.

I have spent most of my time supporting a single department. For years, I’ve been told that no senior positions would be offered, so I never expected any upward mobility. However, recently, my boss posted a senior position for the department without notifying anyone internally or offering it to someone within the team, and instead hired someone externally.

When I reviewed my goals for the year, I asked my boss what steps I needed to take to get promoted. She said I should come to her with the plan for my own promotion. This is a recurring pattern: every time I bring up a roadblock or an issue, she tells me that I should be coming to her with a solution, even though I only approach her once I’ve exhausted all my available options. For example, when I needed another person for a project, her response was that she didn’t have anyone available, and I should either be creative with my time or propose another solution.

I’m finding this (and many other things) to be really frustrating. It seems like she’s not offering much support or direction for our goals. She sat in a meeting with a new executive about metrics and then told us to come up with metrics without sharing any of the information she got from the meeting. I’m wondering if this is a new kind of management style — possibly the opposite of servant leadership. I don’t mind taking initiative, but at some point, it feels like I’m being asked to solve problems that should involve more collaboration or guidance from her.

Am I missing something here? Is this just how modern management works now, or is there something off about this approach?

This isn’t a new management style; it’s just plain old bad management, which has been around as long as there have been managers. She just sucks at her job and is trying to outsource it to you, despite you not having the tools or authority to do the things she’s asking you to do.

“Come up with a plan for your own promotion” could mean “think about what skills you need to build to move from X to Y and propose work you can do to build those skills” … but given everything else you described about your boss, combined with the fact that she’s told you for years there would never be a path to promotion (if I’m interpreting that correctly), I’m skeptical that that’s what it meant. You could certainly try approaching it that way anyway and see what happens, but this really should be a conversation between the two of you where she offers feedback on what it would take to move to the next level and you collaboratively discuss what a path there could look like.

She just sounds like she sucks as a manager, unfortunately.

Related:
my boss won’t give me any direction — but then says my work is wrong

4. How much communication should I have with my teenager’s manager?

My 16-year-old will be starting her first job soon, and I wanted your take on what is an appropriate level of communication between her manager and me. For example, should I introduce myself to them? Should I ever contact them to be sure my daughter has informed them of any scheduling conflicts? When I was a teen worker, I kind of viewed my manager like I did my teachers or a coach; an adult who was in charge of me, but I could be wrong here, and that’s why I’m seeking your advice.

You shouldn’t have any contact with your teenager’s manager unless it’s an emergency and you’re calling to explain she’s too sick to call out herself. You do not need to introduce yourself to them (you of course can if you happen to meet them one day, but you shouldn’t go out of your way to do it otherwise), and you definitely shouldn’t contact them to make sure your daughter told them about her schedule; the latter is for her to handle on her own.

You do have a role, though! It’s to coach her from behind the scenes. You can teach her how to communicate with her employer, as long as she is the one doing the communication. Learning to do that (and probably stumbling her way through some of it) is part of the advantage of having a job in high school. (Money is the other advantage, obviously, but learning to deal with her managers on her own is a big advantage to working, too.)

The post boss tells me to solve everything myself, how much contact should I have with my teenager’s manager, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/05/boss-tells-me-to-solve-everything-myself-how-much-contact-should-i-have-with-my-teenagers-manager-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30495