Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/updates-2-employees-dislike-each-other-scolded-for-eavesdropping-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34803

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. How do I manage petty behavior between two employees who dislike each other?

For context, I am not the manager of either of these employees, just an innocent bystander trying to help the manager figure this out.

The feedback that was given to both of these employees was relatively similar to what you suggested. Basically, the manager focused not on the specific incidents, but instead on telling these employees that the expectation is that they treat all coworkers with professionalism and respect, and focus on having collaborative relationships with everyone on the team. Even if there was some “but [other coworker] did this…” pushback, the manager kept returning to what the expectations were. The manager has also done a great job at reassessing and rebuilding their relationships with all their employees and creating more appropriate boundaries in the manager/employee relationship.

Overall, things have definitely gotten better. I have personally seen these two individuals interact in a very friendly manner on at least one occasion. Basically, it’s become more than clear that one employee was actually the instigator the whole time, and it was affecting the team more than the manager realized. Now that dynamics are changing and some unrelated situations have come to light, it’s obvious that there really is only one problem employee and the communication and judgement issues stem to other parts of their work as well.

For a long time, there was the feeling that it would be devastating to lose this employee, but after all of this, the manager is prepared to lose this employee if their behavior doesn’t improve. Luckily, with the new-found appropriately professional boundaries and continued coaching, it seems like the employee is more willing to take feedback to heart, so a win for all involved!

2. I got scolded for “eavesdropping” when I asked about a task that would involve me

You and all the commenters’ advice helped me so much! I read through every comment and it gave me a lot to think about, as well as some great advice for next steps. I agree with the commenters who said that I probably should have waited for my officemate to bring the issue to me and that I should have ignored what I heard. But, I also agree that my overstep shouldn’t have been met with such an extreme response.

Alison, you hit the nail on the head when you said that something in my office is rotten, and apparently my HR reps agree!

A few days after the eavesdropping event, I ended up having some other issues with the same coworker about a long term project. Despite trying all the conflict resolution and communication tools at my disposal, as well as talking with my manager, the issues persisted. I ended up going to my organization’s HR department with all my documentation because I knew how much this project was going to reflect onto my yearly review. The HR reps were incredibly supportive and in fact, agreed that my department’s culture has been a known issue for some time. Apparently my position’s predecessor reported the same issues before leaving the organization. They advised me to continue documenting, that my yearly review would not be impacted by this, and that they would provide me with references or mediation if needed.

So, I’m planning my exit. I have some great coworkers in other departments who were willing to come to bat for me and offered to come talk to HR with me. They’ve also said they’re keeping me in mind for a transfer if a position opens up. However, I’m excited by the prospect of professionally growing somewhere else. I want to particularly shout out commenter Ally McBeal who advised me to be aware of recalibrating to less toxic environments. Until I leave this pressure cooker, the headphones are staying on and I’m keeping my head down low.

3. Employee runs to work and drips water and mud everywhere when he arrives

Since I wrote, there have been a couple of changes that effectively solved the problems for us. Development in our area added some new paved paths so no more muddiness (and no more dropped underpants!). Our team now includes some full-time-remote folks so many more of our meetings are online, meaning shivering is no longer of concern. We did have to get Leonard to make sure to turn his heater off during online meetings, as the sound was causing some interference, but he has done that without complaint.

Thanks for the advice!

4. Should I say something to the coworker crying in the bathroom?

I had been thinking about what to say to a potential bathroom crier on and off for weeks, but since I wrote in there was only one instance of someone crying in the bathroom. They sounded like they were trying to hold it in, and I chickened out and did nothing.

Thinking it over now, the commenters who advocated for a cone of silence are probably right, at least when the crying is happening in a stall.

The post updates: 2 employees dislike each other, scolded for “eavesdropping,” and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/updates-2-employees-dislike-each-other-scolded-for-eavesdropping-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34803

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/update-im-afraid-of-flying-and-my-job-requires-a-lot-of-travel.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=35003

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer who was afraid of flying and and their job required a lot of travel? Here’s the update.

Many commenters wondered why friends, family and mentors recommended I accept the new job. Despite the travel, it had clear benefits over my prior position. To name a few, I would be paid about $17k more base salary, would have a 5% bigger bonus, a better title, more responsibilities and I’d be fully remote. I had also declined another offer that had similar compensation but would’ve required three days in office with an hour commute each way.

I also couldn’t stay at my old job — my last year there I was unceremoniously dumped with a new manager who would jokingly call me “bitch” and once pulled me into her office and pulled her pants to her pantyline to show me her recent procedural bruising. This was on top of the manager before that stating I’d get a promotion if I went above and beyond for a year (clear metrics given) and then telling me at my performance review that not only was I not getting a promotion, he honestly didn’t see my work as valuable. That was a BIG surprise since I had weekly check-ins where I’d ask about how I was progressing. I’d also found out that the leadership team didn’t regard me positively following the promotion conversation. I’d moved into a new role internally with a manager I really liked and respected by the end of that year, but at that point I had some “bad habits” that were very hard to break that prior managers had not mentioned to me.

Given the short amount of time I was provided to respond to the offer and the late notice by which I was alerted that the travel requirement was once per month, they were attempting to provide advice in my best interest. I think they were also cautiously optimistic that my travel anxiety would dissipate as I traveled more, and it would be a momentary bump in the road.

I’m now eight months into role (around six to eight work trips completed), and my flight anxiety hasn’t gotten much better. I ended up having a conversation with my manager about not traveling for a few months, which they accepted but with the caveat that I’d need to figure out strategies to show up more often in the future. I’m still exploring what options are possible, but I tried medication and did CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) with a therapist. This has largely restricted my anxiety to the day I purchase my tickets, the week leading up to the flight, and my time on the plane (I know that’s still a lot but it used to be so much worse!). I haven’t tried driving yet, but that’s the next avenue to explore. Ultimately I’ve had to confront what being a non-traveler means for this role and my future career, and the limitations it’ll impose. I still plan to work on this because it has implications for my life more broadly, but in the interim I’ve renewed my job search and am looking at remote positions where HQ is located in my state or adjacent states and is capable of being reached by car in 3.5 hours or less. While this restricts many opportunities, I’m still finding roles that meet the criteria.

Outside of the travel, my relationships with my team and manager have gotten much better! I really like the day to day of the job and my boss thinks I’m doing very well. I also think the work trips I’ve taken so far have been necessary to build the relationships and organizational acumen needed for the role. Being remote has also cured me of my prior burnout! I’ve had so much more time (and money) to pour into my personal life. I’m happier and less anxious now than I was in my prior role. While this job won’t work out in the long run, I’m glad I took it. I’m getting valuable experience and feedback that will set me up nicely for future roles.

Thanks again for the advice!

The post update: I’m afraid of flying — and my job requires a lot of travel appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/12/update-im-afraid-of-flying-and-my-job-requires-a-lot-of-travel.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=35003