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metafilter_feedmetafilter_feedaskamanager_feedIt’s the Friday open thread!
The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.
* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.
The post open thread – November 7, 2025 appeared first on Ask a Manager.
metafilter_feedmetafilter_feedmetafilter_feedaskamanager_feedIt’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…
1. Boss doesn’t care that new office isn’t accessible
I work in a director-level position for a center of a large university. We have experienced significant reductions in staffing following budget cuts and project terminations. Several staff also work remotely. We have a large leased office space off-campus, but now that we only have about 20 people who work in the office regularly (down from over 100), the university has decided that we need to move. This all seems reasonable to me.
However, the space the university has proposed is a converted rowhome with steep concrete steps into the front door, a very narrow and steep staircase up to the second floor with no landings, and a bathroom with a low-sitting toilet and no stability bars. There is a back door to an alley that does not have any stairs, but it is currently exit-only. When I toured the new space with the executive director (my boss) and another director, I raised concerns about accessibility and noted that it did not appear to comply with the American Disabilities Act. This space would not be open to the public, and we do not currently have any staff who use a wheelchair, but there are staff who might have difficulty navigating the stairs and bathrooms. I also expressed concern that anyone could easily fall down the very steep stairs and be injured. The other director shared my concerns and noted feeling a bit uncomfortable herself on the stairs.
I suggested several next steps, including: a list of questions for the Facilities team about the accessibility and requests for accommodations, such as stability bars in the bathroom, a portable/storable ramp for the front entrance, and granting entry access to the back door with an automatic opener; a list of questions for HR regarding how to approach accessibility concerns with staff, such as whether to ask staff to self-identify if they think they would have trouble with the stairs so we can try to accommodate a first floor office or advocate harder for a different office space; proactively reaching out to the Office of Institutional Equity, which handles disability accommodations, for guidance; and contacting to the Office of Occupational Safety and Health to document our concerns about the safety of the staircase.
My boss has largely shrugged this off and seems excited about moving to the new space. They seem to think this is a done deal and we have no room to negotiate. I have reason to believe this is untrue, but even if it is, I think that we should make more of an effort to document our concerns and advocate for our staff. I’d rather not go over my boss’s head, but I am troubled by the new office set up, the lack of my boss’s care, and the stark misalignment of this move with our own stated values of equity and inclusion. Do you have advice for what more I can do? Am I off-base in my concern, or is this something I should keep pushing on?
You’re not off-base. I’d say this: “I’m worried we’re setting ourselves up for legal and logistical headaches if we don’t address some of this before we move in, and it’ll be much less disruptive to do it now than after we’re already in the space. I’m happy to take the lead on it so it stays off your plate! Unless you object, I’d like to contact Facilities and the Institutional Equity office this week to make sure we stay in compliance.” If your boss responds that there’s nothing that can be changed, you could say, “I think to cover ourselves from a liability standpoint we need to at least alert them to what we’ve noticed so it’s clear we didn’t just ignore it. Can I move forward on that myself?”
2. I took a step back and feel like I’m failing
I recently left a job that I loved and was good at after a decade, due to moral injury (I worked in social services and under the current regime, things are … really not good in a way I could not handle being a part of). At the time I left, I was making very good money for my field.
In the two months since then, I have applied to everything within my field that’s available up to a 90-minute commute away. Due to needing to pay bills and anxiety over the current state of job-searching, I ended up accepting a position that I’m not honestly that happy with. While the work is similar to what I was doing and is in an interesting city, it is a title drop (coordinator down to project assistant) and a significant drop in pay.
For some reason, I cannot get over the feeling that I have failed and am now “regressing” professionally. I literally cried the whole drive to do the hiring paperwork because I just kept thinking of how stupid and under-qualified I must be, to not be able to secure a position of similar title or pay after over a decade of experience. Was my previous job just a fluke, and I wasn’t qualified to be working there either? Am I doomed to be an assistant making less than $40,000 a year once I’m 40, 50, and 60?
I know logically there are a lot of other factors at play, but I don’t know how to get over this feeling that I should be better than this by now. I can’t go back in time and join another industry or go to college for something else, and I don’t regret leaving my previous position with the situation that’s unfolding. But how do I shift my thinking away from this negative feeling of shame?
You got a job in a terrible job market where lots of people are spending exponentially more months job-searching. That’s not failure; that’s making a practical decision in a difficult situation, and doing better than a lot of your competition is!
You aren’t going to be stuck in this job forever. You took it because it made sense for you in the circumstances you’re in right now. At some point those circumstances will change, and you’ll move to a different place on your professional path.
In fact, there’s a ton of room to move from project assistant to coordinator jobs (and from there, beyond). It’s an incredibly common path for people to take! If you do well and become known as someone who’s conscientious and good at the work, it’s highly likely that you’ll be able to move up from here. (And this isn’t needing to jump from assistant to VP to get back where you were; you’re talking about a much easier move.)
3. Director tried to force us to donate to a birthday gift and was furious when we wouldn’t
I work in a government agency (outside the U.S.) with thousands of employees in different branches. My branch has 40-50 people working here, with two managers, the director, and the assistant manager.
Recently, the assistant manager hit pension age, 65, and invited everyone at our branch and around 200 other people to her birthday party, outside work hours. We don’t celebrate birthdays at our branch, as it has caused numerous hurt feelings when someone is celebrated more or less than others. Despite this, the director insisted that we all contribute to a gift for the assistant manager, with a minimum donation of $30 per person. This caused a huge argument, as for a lot of people (myself included!) this was a huge chunk out of our weekly budgets. (Over half the office are living paycheck to paycheck.) The director was challenged on this by multiple people. Conversing with some of my teammates, we all agreed that we could afford up to $20, but $30 was pushing us past a comfortable level.
The director, seeing how little was coming in, started to send first passive-aggressive, and then full-on aggressive, emails about not contributing. They started out with little threats like “Those not contributing will not be able to sign the card” up to “Nothing you could buy personally will be under $30, so don’t even try” and then escalated to lectures in weekly meetings about budgeting and threatening to send staff to the same budget advice service we direct our clients to. She personally caught me one day to advise how much money I must be saving as I don’t have children and “no costs”! I briefly rebutted this – I have student loans, rent, debt, and bills like everyone else! (And you understand how expensive cats are to feed.)
I ended up not contributing, and the gift ended up being over $1,000, surprising the assistant manager who had no idea about the gift situation.
The whole thing left myself and half the team feeling quite bitter. About 20 people didn’t end up contributing and we were persona non grata for about a month with the director. This isn’t normal, is it?
No, it’s not normal! Nothing about it is normal — from the compulsory donation amount (as opposed to a “suggested” amount, which is still problematic because it’s still pressuring people, but less so than making it compulsory), to the threats and lectures, to the implication that your life must be free since you don’t have kids, to the ultimate (and ridiculous) amount of $1,000 (!), to the freezing out of people who didn’t contribute. It’s all wildly inappropriate and wrong. It would be wildly inappropriate and wrong in a social situation; it’s triply so in a work situation, as well as an abuse of power by your director. Any chance you have HR that would care?
Something is deeply wrong with your director, and I’m betting this isn’t the only thing they mishandle.
Related:
I’m being pressured to contribute to gifts for resigning coworkers — and it’s increasingly obnoxious
4. Can my employer make me update my accommodation paperwork?
I have a permanent disability that never goes away (PTSD). I put in a request for accommodations and submitted a note from my therapist from my original diagnosis over a decade ago. My accommodations are very basic — just being able to work from home around the anniversary of the events that caused my PTSD. I already have some flexibility as a faculty member, but I know the importance of having formal protections in place.
The HR rep emailed me to say that they couldn’t identify anything in the documents that “suggests the conditions and need for accommodation are permanent or will extend past 2023.” However, my therapist and doctor’s notes from back then clearly diagnosed me with PTSD, which can get better, but is a permanent condition.
Am I right to think that the department is not allowed to get into the business of diagnosing me? That these medical documents should be enough to move forward? I am currently working to get additional documentation (moving means my doctors are out of network, so I’m finding new providers), but I was very surprised by the email back with this particular language. Is there anything I should be aware of and do? I checked the ADA website, but it wasn’t super clear what they are allowed to ask questions about when I provided verification of my diagnosis.
They’re not diagnosing you; they’re saying that the paperwork you submitted is over a decade old and they need something more recent indicating that the need for accommodations still exists currently. That’s allowed under the ADA, and it’s not unreasonable.
The law does say that you don’t need to do this if it’s obvious that the disability still exists, such as if you were blind or missing a limb. But while PTSD can be permanent, it isn’t always — and when we’re talking about a note that’s more than 10 years old, it’s reasonable for them to request updated documentation since disabilities and needs can change over time. (Here’s what the Job Accommodation Network says about this.)
The post boss doesn’t care that new office isn’t accessible, mandatory birthday contributions, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
maru_feedmetafilter_feedmetafilter_feed- The FAA Airspace Status page notes delays, stops, and other advisories for all US airports. - The FlightAware Misery Map tracks flights cancellations and delays per airport. - A Reddit Travel megathread on the shutdown with many helpful links.Leave early, pack light, fly safe. It's going to get worse before it gets better.
metafilter_feedaskamanager_feedA reader writes:
I’m job searching, and I often come across jobs where alumni of my college currently work.
If I don’t know the person/people, how would I ask for their help in getting an interview or anything else related to the job I’ve applied to? I think that would be very awkward, and I don’t know why they would be inclined to help, since they don’t know me.
The idea isn’t to reach out to a stranger and say, “Will you help me get an interview?” It’s to connect as a fellow alum and ask for their guidance more broadly.
For example:
“Hi Jane! I’m a fellow alum of Sorghum State — class of 2019! I’m trying to break into the breakfast cereal field and am really interested in BarleyCo in particular. I’ve just applied for the barley quality analyst job there, and when I saw a Sorghum alumnus working there, I wanted to ask whether you might have 10 or 15 minutes for a call about the company and the field more broadly.”
It’s even better if you can give an example of a couple of the questions you’re hoping to pose to them, so they can get a better sense of whether they’re likely to be useful to you, and also because it demonstrates that you’re being thoughtful about their time and not just hoping to get a referral out of it. (If you’re thinking “but I really just want a referral,” broaden your goals! They might know of other leads that would be right for you or just have useful insights to share.)
The idea is that a lot of people feel a connection to people from their school and will be friendlier and more likely to help if you mention it. You’ve had a shared experience, to some extent have a shared frame of reference, and are part of the same network, and the person you’re contacting may have received help from fellow alumni themselves and feel good about paying it forward.
This works particularly well if you went to a small school or to one with a really active alumni network, but you can do it for any school (but in my experience, the smaller the school, the more excited people are to find a fellow alum and help you).
Plus, a lot of schools have alumni networks that alums can specifically opt into if they’re open to this kind of thing, so you might check with your school’s career center or alumni office and ask about that. If they have a directory like that and the person is listed in it, you’ll know ahead of time that they’ve expressed openness to being contacted this way.
Also, include your resume so they get a sense of your professional background and how far along you are in your career.
The post how do I use alumni contacts in my job search? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
metafilter_feedaskamanager_feedA reader writes:
I was curious about where the line is on religious accommodation, and at what point it’s okay to say an accommodation cannot be made.
I had an employee who needed an accommodation that allowed them to take lunch at a different time from the rest of the company once a week. This was somewhat inconvenient but I was able to accommodate them. Later they let me know that they were going to need additional accommodations, which again were doable but inconvenient. I also noticed that their work performance suffered during certain times when they told me they needed to fast for their religion. They didn’t make me aware of any of these needed accommodations until they’d been hired and working for a couple of weeks. At one point someone suggested that in order for me to accommodate this employee I should to work additional hours myself.
Ultimately I was able to accommodate this employee with minimal frustration, but what if it hadn’t been as easy? What if there’d been a standing meeting that they were needed for during the time they needed to take their lunch that couldn’t be easily moved? I want to be as supportive and flexible as possible but at what point am I able to say “this goes past reasonable”?
I answer this question — and two others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.
Other questions I’m answering there today include:
The post how much do I need to accommodate employees’ religion? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
metafilter_feedmetafilter_feedaskamanager_feedAs we approach to the season of office potlucks, catered parties, and other holiday meals with coworkers, let’s discuss the many ways in which they can go wrong — from alarming cuisine to cheap-ass rolls to riots over the chili cook-off to tantrums over insufficiently abundant shrimp.
Please share your stories of potlucks, cooking competitions, catered parties, and other office meals gone awry!
The post when office potlucks and catered parties go wrong appeared first on Ask a Manager.
metafilter_feedmetafilter_feedmetafilter_feedmetafilter_feedaskamanager_feedIt’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. I can’t shake my crush on a former coworker
I try not to view my coworkers as romantic prospects for the obvious reasons (women come to work to advance their careers, not to cater to the romantic whims of their coworkers!). As a woman in my 20s, I’ve experienced a few sexual overtures at work and in public, and I certainly don’t want to impose my own romantic demands on a fellow young woman who simply wants to do her job.
However, I can’t shake my crush on a former coworker, “Diana.” Over the summer, I worked seasonally on the same large team as Diana. (She does year-round, part-time work for this employer.) While we didn’t always have close interactions during the workday, I loved speaking to her whenever we had the chance to collaborate. She asked me genuine, complex questions about my background and experiences, and she occasionally complimented my appearance and overall demeanor. She has an easygoing, natural charisma and the warmest, most expressive smile I’ve ever seen.
My job ended about six weeks ago, and I considered exchanging phone numbers on my final day of work. (I even spent two weeks rehearsing a low-pressure, work-appropriate script!) However, I decided to restrain the impulse to stay in contact, since I’m uncertain that she even dates women. Also, I purposefully only mentioned my male exes when the workplace discussion turned to comedic date stories. It was clear I loved collaborating with Diana, and I didn’t want her to perceive my good mood as an unwelcome overture from the workplace lesbian. However, I still can’t seem to get over her, and I’m even inclined to return to my former workplace and casually try to exchange phone numbers. (While it’s technically open to the public, this still feels like an overstep.) Can you reassure me I made the work-appropriate choice? I can’t locate her on social media, so I’ll probably have to let her remain a fond memory.
Would you be interested in a friendship with Diana even if you knew for sure she wasn’t interested in anything more? If so, given that you appeared to have a warm, friendly rapport while you worked together and it sounds like you both connected at least a bit, I don’t think it’s inappropriate to stop by and ask if she’d ever want to get coffee.
I would not suggest this if your interest was primarily based on physical attraction, but it sounds like it’s based on the actual conversations you had and that she shared an interest in talking with you, not just “I find you attractive and thus am projecting my own interest on to you” — which is where a lot of these things go wrong.
2. My new coworker is doing too much of my job
I have a new coworker, Dana, who is extremely thorough in her responses to my questions, to the point where she basically does my work for me. It’s a tricky situation in that she is taking over my role as department head as I transition into a new one, but for continuity, I’m maintaining management on a few projects we’re in the middle of. I’m asking her questions out of respect not need — meaning that I don’t actually need her to help me with it but, because ultimately the department now belongs to her, I’m asking for her opinion to honor that new relationship. (The projects live her in department and she’ll be accountable for their implementation once my transition is final).
I was particularly annoyed at her thoroughness recently and was short with her on a call. A few days later, I apologized and explained myself, expressing that her thoroughness is hitting a chord with me due to my own insecurities and it’s something I’m working on. Well, fast forward a couple of weeks later and she is as thorough as ever (basically writing what I should send a client word-for-word after I ask a simple question).
On the one hand, she’s making my job easy by doing it for me. On the other, it really irks me and I’m not sure how to handle this. It is, very much, MY problem – bringing up my own insecurities. And, at the same time, it feels very controlling. (Again, maybe that’s my insecurity?) I like Dana and want to have a positive working relationship with her, so it feels weird to not say something. At the same time, I’m not sure if this is just a sensitivity I need to work on in my own self.
This would be a lot easier if you weren’t continuing to manage those remaining projects, because that’s preventing Dana from fully moving into her job and preventing you from fully moving out of it.
But since that’s the set up, you have two options: (1) you can stop asking her things that you don’t actually need to ask her and instead can just fully manage the projects that are still on your plate and keep her informed rather than consulting her for input. That sounds like it might solve a lot of this. Or (2), you can drop your end of the rope and work on not caring about how much she’s involving herself. It’s sounds like she’s trying to take full ownership of her new job, which isn’t that weird, and it just happens to be rubbing you the wrong way … but if that accounts for most of it and it’s not actually causing work problems, deciding not to care (as much as possible, anyway) might be the way to go.
I would definitely not raise your own insecurities with her again, though; that feels like too much info and emotional burden to put on her when she’s just trying to do her job, and it’s not necessarily actionable on her side anyway. If her actions are causing work problems (duplicating efforts, muddying divisions of labor, etc.), you can raise those specific problems — but if it’s really just about how it’s making you feel, that’s not a conversation to have with her. (It would be different if you were remaining in your current role and this was going to be a long-term issue, but it sounds like it’s short-term and then you’ll fully transition out of the job.)
3. Someone wants to pick my brain — should I ask for a job?
A contact at work reached out to see if they could pass along my name for an information interview. For context, the interviewers are building out a new capacity on their team and they’re looking for advice. I’ve been looking for a new job, so I instantly thought, “Are they open to hiring instead?”
Should I mention this to the intermediate party? Or do I bring it up with the interviewers once we meet? Would that come across as deceptive?
It’s not deceptive. They’re asking for your help; there’s nothing deceptive about offering some and then also pointing out that you do this work yourself and would be open to a larger role with them.
It’s likely to be more effective if you wait until you’ve talked with the interviewers and established your expertise and helpfulness. Toward the end of that conversation, you could say that you’d love to be more involved and that if they end up hiring for the area, you’d like to talk more about whether you might be a match for that.
Also, I don’t know how much information they’re looking for from you, but there’s a point where it really should be paid consulting and it’s okay for you to raise that ahead of time. (A 15-minute call that you’re doing as a favor or to build your reputation, probably not. But something more substantial, yes.)
Related:
how to turn a request for free help into paid consulting
4. Using vacation at a new job, when it doesn’t roll over
After close to a year of searching, I finally received an offer to start a new role. Yay! My start date will be early November. Normally I know it is best to wait a few months before taking vacation days, which I usually do. However, I will accrue about 1.5 days by the end of the year and PTO cannot be rolled over, so I will lose the time I have earned if I don’t take it. Do I just have to suck it up since I’m so new? Wait and see what the culture is like? Or does not letting employees roll over PTO at year end mean places are more flexible with time being used? I would only want to use a day around Christmas, not the full 12 hours or whatever it comes out to.
If it matters, I don’t plan on taking any more time until the end of February/early March and even then it would only be three or so days, not a full week.
It’s very normal to take off time around the holidays even when you’re new, and a single day is nothing at all. (In fact, it would probably be no big deal to take the additional half day, too.) The exception to this is if you’re in a heavily coverage-based job and your coworkers already have dibs on those days.
After you’ve been there at least a few weeks, ask your boss about it. I’d say it this way: “I normally wouldn’t take time off when I’m so new, but I know I’ll lose my days once the year ends so I was hoping to take off X in December.”
5. Can I ask for a higher salary after I named a lower one?
I was contacted via email by a recruiter about a job that I think would be a great fit. The recruiter scheduled a time for a quick phone call to discuss the job. Unfortunately, she called right after I received a call to come pick up my sick kid from daycare. I was very distracted and ideally should have rescheduled. When she asked me my salary requirement, I told her an amount less than what I make currently. She then asked me to complete the job application online later, where I was also asked to provide a salary range. Silly of me I know, but I also put down that same number because I already told her the same thing.
I did the second interview where I was told the salary range and the top of the range is $60,000 more than I provided. Can I go back to renegotiate or am I stuck with the amount I provided? I don’t want it to seem like I only want more money now that I know their range.
You can still negotiate — now that you have learned more about the responsibilities of the job, you are envisioning $X instead of $Y. You don’t need to bring it up again yourself, but if salary comes up again or if it gets to the point of them making you an offer, that’s how you can frame it — “Having learned more about the responsibilities of the role, I was hoping for $X.” (And the fact that they shared their range with you, knowing it was higher than what you’d named earlier, is a good sign.)
Also! What happened that made you name a number less than you’re currently earning? That makes me wonder if you hadn’t been thinking about salary at all up until that point, maybe because you were thinking it wouldn’t come up that early, and so you were caught off-guard when the recruiter raised it. Use this experience to vow that whenever you’re job-searching, you’ll think about salary very early on so that you’re not caught off-guard if it comes up earlier than you’re expecting!
Related:
how to find out what salary you should be making
The post I can’t shake my crush on a former coworker, using vacation time at a new job, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
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timeasmymeasure
