Posted by Ask a Manager
https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/my-coworker-starts-every-question-with-tediously-long-rambling-and-apologies.html
https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32702
A reader writes:
I have a new coworker, Lee, who is driving me nuts. I am not their manager, but I lead our work team and am responsible for us meeting our goals. (I have been a people manager before but am not one now.)
Our team is basically the final QA check before a specific type of project can proceed — before the work can move forward, it needs a series of approvals, and we manage the approvals process (although we, as a team, do not grant the approvals). Many people in the company might only do this once during their entire tenure, so they are often unfamiliar with the process. If they don’t get the correct approvals, not only will their work be yanked later on in the process (potentially very publicly), but their manager and even director might need to get involved.
Lee came from a role where they didn’t have as much compliance involvement, so this is a role change for them.
What’s driving me bonkers is Lee’s conversational style. We hold regular office hours with the people going through this QA process to answer their questions about the process and direct them to next steps, and Lee is joining these meetings with me to learn the process. A lot of the process is situation-dependent and our documentation is lacking, so this is a key part of Lee’s training.
In these meetings, whenever they have a question, there is a long, rambling, self-deprecating and sometimes weirdly obsequious preamble,
such as, “Well this may be a naive question and you of course know what you’re doing much better than I do, and my experience is related but not exactly relevant, and y’all are doing SO SO GREAT with this project, it’s really good, but…” and on and on.
This is not an exaggeration. Every statement, question, or comment comes with multiple caveats, apologies, disclaimers, or weirdly interjected praise.
I guess my question is: how do I cut off this rambling in the meetings? These support sessions are usually only 30 minutes and we have a limited number of them available, so the people coming to us for guidance don’t have much time to get help. If Lee goes off on a tangent, I can do the “I’d like to make sure we have time to answer the attendees’ questions” redirect, but I’m stumped about how to say, “Please stop apologizing for existing and buttering them up and JUST GET TO THE POINT” when it’s both in progress and in front of people who don’t know my coworker or me.
Our team is very small and if I don’t train my Lee to do these meetings, I will be on the hook for nearly all of them (our other coworkers are in wildly different time zones so many of them are out of their working hours).
Lee speaks in a similar way in meetings with just me and I have taken to cutting them off in a way that I am worried seems rude. “No, no such thing as a naive question, you’re still learning.” “No, no need to apologize for being new to this, let’s just go over the topics for today.” “Thanks, but I don’t feel like what I did was especially amazing, this is just my job.” I don’t feel like this would be appropriate to do in the help meetings because we’re usually meeting the attendees for the first (and often only!) time, and because Lee isn’t speaking to me when they are rambling.
I’ve already had one conversation (with written backup) with Lee about conciseness in written communication, using standard English (we work with people all over the world so we try to minimize regionalisms to avoid confusion), and not over-apologizing in the emails we send. This conversation brought them to tears, because (as they told me) they are also neurodivergent and have a strong reaction to criticism, which I understand. I had our manager’s support before holding that conversation.
Otherwise they are a great coworker — very helpful, get their work done, and we get along fine. But I’m worried this verbal tic is close to sending me into BEC mode. :(
Can you suggest anything else for me to do? I am stumped because this seems like a very ingrained habit for them and I don’t know if it’s even possible for them to change.
It might not be possible for Lee to change, but there are a few things that could help.
First, does Lee have to speak in the meetings you’re doing jointly? If they’re there to learn the process, isn’t there an argument for them holding their questions for later so that the people in attendance have time to get their own questions answered?
If Lee eventually will need to lead these meetings on their own, this doesn’t solve the bigger problem but it could go a long way toward making these particular meetings more manageable.
Beyond that, though, either you or your manager needs to give Lee some pretty direct feedback about communication style. You mentioned that your boss is aware of the issues — but is she aware of their severity and the impact they’re having? If you haven’t already laid out the full impact Lee’s communication style is having, do that. She needs to know so that she can do her own job, which includes giving Lee feedback and hopefully coaching them to communicate in a way that will mesh better with the work.
But I also think you can be pretty direct with Lee yourself! For example: “I don’t know if you realize, but you often give multiple caveats and apologies before you ask a question. It’s slowing us down and making it harder to get through everything we need to cover. I know it might be an ingrained habit, but can you work on just starting with the question you want to ask? It’ll help us move faster.” This is a one-on-one conversation, obviously; don’t do it in a meeting with others. But the next time it happens while you’re talking one-on-one, name the pattern and ask them directly to work on stopping.
If you’re concerned they’ll get upset at hearing that, like they did when you talked with them about written communication … that’s okay! Obviously we’d prefer that people not get upset by things we have to convey at work, but the fear of upsetting someone (even the likelihood of them getting upset) can’t be a reason that you don’t say the thing that needs to be said. If they’re upset, they’ll need to work through that — but your part of this is to name what needs to change. Say it kindly, of course, but not saying it at all would actually be less kind … because if Lee doesn’t get this feedback, they’re going to go through their career putting off anyone they need to work with regularly. It’s far kinder to name the problem and let them know they need to work on it.
That doesn’t mean Lee can stop. What you’re describing — the excessive apologies and praise combined with a disproportionate reaction to even mild criticism — is something that can be deeply-rooted in a person’s psychology, and isn’t always easy to change. But Lee definitely won’t change it if no one tells them they need to … and it’s showing up at work in ways that give you standing to raise it, both with them and with your boss.
The post my coworker starts every question with tediously long rambling and apologies appeared first on Ask a Manager.
https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/my-coworker-starts-every-question-with-tediously-long-rambling-and-apologies.html
https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32702