Arduinna

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/my-senior-colleague-keeps-acting-like-were-all-children.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31652

A reader writes:

I’ve been at my workplace for five years; I like the work, I like my coworkers, and I like my direct manager.

The problem is the top of the pyramid. My organization’s leaders have never been the most effective. But recently, disparaging off-hand comments have reached a level where I’m having trouble ignoring how disparaging the upper management is. Specifically, one person in particular repeatedly refers to everyone at my level in the org as though we’re children.

Examples include references in passing to how we are all Gen Z — almost no one is, actually, but when people gently corrected her, she snapped about how it doesn’t really matter because we’re all so young anyway. (It is perhaps relevant that her kids are, in fact, Gen Z; they’re still in high school. I’m in my mid-30s.)

Relatedly, she also recently opined that we don’t know how to be professional about adhering to workplace policies because it’s most people’s first job out of college. This is also not true for almost anyone, and the person it is technically true of has been at the org for almost 10 years. The real problem, in my humble and childish opinion, is that we have no workplace policies, so everyone is trying to make it up as they go.

These condescending comments would be bad enough on their own. But it seems to inform other, more tangible issues like pay, promotion, and general trust in our choices at work. I’m in my 30s, I have a graduate degree, I am talking about buying a house with my partner, and this is not my first job. Yet when our upper management talks about how we’re all just wee wittle babies with no idea what we’re doing, it’s hard to feel as though my work is meaningful or respected. I’ve grown a lot at this job — I’ve won awards! — but I don’t think she’s noticed; to her, I seem to be at the exact same stage, in both work and life more generally, as I was five years ago.

I know I’m not the only one to feel extremely disrespected and beaten down by these comments. We’re unionized, and I know everyone else in the shop feels the same way about these comments, but we’re all kind of stymied; being spoken down to is not really a contractual issue.

For context, we are a small org. We don’t really have HR, and it’s difficult to navigate some of the workplace personnel issues because there aren’t any policies or ways to file complaints. It’s not possible to be anonymous. And this manager, while not technically my direct supervisor, is still someone I see and interface with regularly. We chitchat about life, and she also gives feedback on my work. Her desires and opinion of me impact what I’m doing daily. She also, clearly, does not take criticism constructively.

My direct supervisor gives me a lot of freedom and trust, which is a real saving grace; other people are dealing with this even more. But since we’re so small, he can only insulate me so much.

The obvious answer is to find new work; if my work doesn’t respect me, find a place that does! But I work in an industry with vanishingly few job openings. Also, unlike most other options in my field, my job is stable — even if underpaid compared with industry standard — so I don’t really feel as though I should leave, even if I could find another job, which is also unlikely.

So given that I’m staying here for at least the immediate foreseeable future, I’m wondering how to navigate this issue in a productive way.

Honestly, I don’t think you’re going to solve it, so the best thing you can do is to find ways to let it roll off of you.

That’s not to say that it’s not ridiculous and offensive; it is.

But in a small organization with no HR and this is a senior leader who doesn’t take feedback well … it’s not likely to change.

That doesn’t mean you can’t try! At a minimum, there might be responses you can try in the moment to try to highlight how absurd her comments are, or at least to push back on them. When she remarks on how young you are, you could say, “I’m in my mid-career with a master’s and X years of experience. I’m really concerned if you don’t think I have professional experience or judgment.”

When she says this is most employees’ first job out of college, say, “Wait, what? Most of us are mid-career and have been working for years.”

You could also try addressing it more head-on if you want to: “Can I ask you about something? You’ve made a lot of comments about how inexperienced I am, and I’m really taken aback by it since I’ve been working for X years. Do you have concerns about my work or my judgment that we should talk about?” … and then, depending on her response, possibly followed by, “I know you would want to know if something you were saying was landing the wrong way, so I want to be up-front that it’s demoralizing to hear my work dismissed like that.”

You might also talk to your own boss about the effect this person’s comments are having and ask if he has any insight into where on earth she’s coming from and whether he might consider having a conversation of his own with her (or, for that matter, with other management above him, who might be better positioned to tell her to cut it out).

But if none of that works, your best bet is to find ways not to care. That’s easier said than done, I realize! But this woman’s perspective is so absurd — insisting that you’re all right out of college when you’re not and talking about people in their mid-30s as wee babies — that seeing her very clearly as the jackwagon she appears to be might be the most powerful thing you can do for your own peace of mind.

The post my senior colleague keeps acting like we’re all children appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/my-senior-colleague-keeps-acting-like-were-all-children.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31652

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/updates-the-horrifying-doll-the-awful-coworker-whos-now-a-customer-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32440

Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. My horrible old coworker is a customer at my new job and keeps lying about me (#2 at the link)

Ironically, almost immediately after I posted about my situation, K decided to double down with my manager and even tried to submit a few applications for bankers who could replace me. I was a senior recruiting consultant with my previous company, so it might not seem that off to a casual observer, but I was sitting right there at my desk, 4 feet from them, as it all unfolded.

I think I heard something snap in my head; I think it was my last F to give. What did I ever do to this person to deserve this? She must have forgotten that when her dad died and she needed help I lent her a not-small amount of money to help with the funeral costs. My ex-husband, at my request, helped with cleanup after a storm knocked a tree down in her yard. She asked that I proof her work before she submitted it, and, awful person that I am, I willingly did it.

I decided to employ a technique I like to think of as “weaponized support.” Any time K needs help? Leave it to me, I got this.

The first time I interacted with her after she tried to replace me was something I’ll never forget. I answered the phone, sweet as sugar, and she asked for my manager. I politely informed her that she had just stepped away from her desk but offered nothing else. She then asked if any of my coworkers were available, all of them by name. “Unfortunately, I’m the only one available right now.” K then asked if anyone would be in later that day. “It’s just me today, but I can help you.” She literally swore on the phone. I had to stifle my laughter. After hanging up, I am not kidding when I say I doubled over laughing.

Now? I love it when she calls or stops in. I don’t know if she’s still trying to sabotage my career, but I think she’s too uncomfortable to try anymore. As a nice bonus, my manager has even praised my problem solving skills to her boss. I feel like this is a win.

2. My coworker has a horrifying WWII artifact at home

Content warning if you click through: this letter was upsetting.

It turns out Gertrude has a history of speaking inappropriately on a variety of topics and this is being addressed on levels above me. When I texted her outside of work to offer some suggestions for the doll, she told me she had called a Holocaust Museum at which she had previously volunteered (!!) and would be sending it to them. I do still have to work with her but I have disengaged as much as possible and I’m moving states in the fall anyway so I’m just going to deal until then. Thank you for your advice and attention.

3. Should I apologize for past mistakes? (#3 at the link)

I really appreciated your response and the comments from readers. There is a little more context to my question that I left out for the sake of brevity but definitely influenced my update: I had mentioned a change in leadership in my original question, which included my direct manager. He was a friend/previous colleague of our new VP and was hired fully remote multiple time zones away from our office. He would regularly ignore my messages/emails and cancel our 1-on-1s with little notice. When I could get him on the phone, he would be encouraging and apologetic, but had zero follow-through when it came to addressing any of my concerns. I had very little support from this new manager; as one of the few holdovers from the previous team I was expected to handle not only a huge amount of work, but also managing a lot of interpersonal relationships with other “old guard” members of the department (including the stakeholder my original question was about). This meant communicating decisions made by the new leadership, many of which I did not agree with.

Long story short, I ended up leaving the company a month after the project went live (3 months after I wrote to you). After a year of feeling overworked, not listened to, and taken for granted I was experiencing a textbook case of burnout. I wound up accepting an offer working under an old manager, who had seen the writing on the wall about a year and a half before I did and left for greener pastures. I am so much happier at my new role. I did take a small pay cut but I feel respected, interested in the work, and like my life is no longer consumed by work stress and anxiety.

In regards to the issue with the stakeholder, I wrote a long letter I never ended up sending to her. I did have a call with her when I told her I was leaving the company where I spoke to some of my regrets from the original project and reiterated my respect for her and our working relationship. She had very kind things to say to me and expressed dismay about me leaving the company. In retrospect, I think the precipitating incident where she vented her frustrations was a result of poor communication from leadership throughout the project, and her concerns being given lip service at levels above me (a feeling I deeply resonated with). I do feel a sense of peace and closure from that conversation. Based on the updates from my former team members who stayed I also feel validated in my decision to move on from that company. Several others left the department not long after I did.

The post updates: the horrifying doll, the awful coworker who’s now a customer, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/08/updates-the-horrifying-doll-the-awful-coworker-whos-now-a-customer-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32440