Arduinna

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/03/i-cried-in-front-of-my-new-boss-and-im-mortified.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37269

A reader writes:

My manager, Katherine, is a C-suite level executive who joined the organization eight months ago. She was previously my skip-level manager (former boss’s boss), but due to a large RIF/company restructuring four months ago, my former manager is no longer with the organization, and another colleague and I were asked to co-lead the remaining team, reporting to Katherine. Before the restructuring, I had met her maybe twice, and at the time of my recent performance review, this was my second 1-1.

Many of the projects I worked on last year are no longer considered company priorities after this restructuring. During my performance review, Katherine admitted that she had been unaware of much of the work I had described in my previous year’s goals (most of which are no longer team/department priorities) and instead shared general observations: positive qualities in curiosity and engaging with others, well-thought of in the company, but she felt like my confidence and communication was not where she would have expected it to be at my senior individual contributor-middle manager level and asked me to reflect on why, as she wants me to develop more tenacity and grit.

After some self-reflection, I scheduled a follow-up meeting and shared that I thrive in collaborative interactive team environments and that her observations may be tied to the previous siloed structure of our team (one thing she was unhappy about how the team had been previously structured) and how I had ended up essentially working alone for the majority of the past year, despite my efforts to find entry points into more collaborative work through my previous manager. To my utter surprise, after I finished sharing, I suddenly started crying! I think it was a combination of feeling under a lot of pressure to perform well given the company’s current shaky financials, the stress of all these recent changes, imposter syndrome, and acknowledging some of the frustration I had had over the last year.

Katherine was nice about it and said from what she knows about my previous manager, she can understand how these circumstances arose but wants me to develop skills to not acquiesce so easily in the future. I am looking for a therapist to help me learn to manage some of these stressors in my life, but I am mortified at the unprofessional-ness of crying (and concerned that Katherine, who has not seen me operate at my best so far, will think I cannot handle this role).

What, if anything, do I say when I speak with her again and how do I recover from this?

You are almost certainly not the first person to cry in Katherine’s office.

More people cry at work and in front of their managers than I think non-managers realize. Work is stressful and the stakes can be high and, in my experience, people who are conscientious are more likely to cry at work at some point. I used to keep a box of tissues prominently on my desk, and it’s not because I’m a jerk who makes people cry. Work just gets to people sometimes.

In this specific situation, it’s tougher because she was specifically talking about wanting you to develop more tenacity and grit, and so of course crying feels like the last thing you wanted to do in that moment. And that’s compounded by the fact you haven’t had much contact with her before now, so the two of you don’t yet have a strong relationship to put this all in context. But she’s also well aware that this has been a rough year in your company and for you — there have been layoffs and massive changes to priorities and your job has changed and you’ve been stuck working on your own and the company is still on shaky ground. Of course you’re stressed out. Of course the stakes feel high. If Katherine has even a small amount of emotional intelligence, she gets it.

The best thing you can do to feel you’ve put this behind you is to say something to her the next time you talk like, “I apologize for appearing emotional in our last meeting. I wasn’t expecting that to happen — just a weird physiological reaction! I really do value your feedback, and I appreciate you giving it to me.”

Say it in a matter-of-fact, breezy tone. The idea is to reassure her that you are not a delicate flower who will react strongly whenever given feedback, and to sort of reset the vibe between you since the last conversation.

From there, don’t dwell on it. Move forward in the relationship as if it didn’t happen and trust that she will too. As you get more experience working together, that more direct experience will be a far bigger contributor to her sense of what you’re like to work with and should pretty quickly eclipse this early conversation entirely.

The post I cried in front of my new boss and I’m mortified appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/03/i-cried-in-front-of-my-new-boss-and-im-mortified.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37269

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/03/update-telling-a-new-employee-hes-not-cut-out-for-the-job.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37130

Remember the letter-writer who needed to tell a new employee he’s not cut out for the job? The first update was here, and here’s the latest.

After far too long, I was able to terminate Tom.

As the “fun” project wore on, he started telling me he was overwhelmed, and I started stepping in to do increasingly more of his work. Don’t ask me why I found his requests for help so compelling, I’m still mad at myself about falling for them.

After delivering the “needs improvement” conversation, his work improved for a few months. But then something snapped, and he completely fell below the minimum threshold. Multiple important meetings no-showed. Entire afternoons where I was unable to locate him on campus. IMs I would send at 4pm that wouldn’t be answered until 10am the next day. I always called him out, and he always had an excuse of varying believability. It’s difficult to motivate someone who doesn’t care about the impact of his actions on others, especially when he knows all of your threats are idle.

I tried for about five months to get HR to pull his badge data (or support a PIP in general), but they “left me on read” for a half dozen email/Teams attempts, then my main contact went on maternity leave, then the interim said it was protected information(?). Also, all this time I was without a manager to escalate to, as she was fired with no backup plan. Finally, I was able to get the ear of a new HR generalist, and she pulled the data herself. Over the previous six months, Tom had averaged a shocking 25 hours on campus (for a job that cannot be done from home). I bet it was overwhelming for him to get his work done while working half-time!

I was hopping mad. We work on government contracts, so time theft is incredibly serious — he could go to jail! I thought we would be firing him that day, but instead HR made me give him a formal written warning. As part of that, we established set hours he had to be on campus. Within two weeks, he was doing the “bare minimum” again — arriving at 8:10ish, taking long lunches, and leaving at 4:20ish (which, as he argued, his peers do too … but they actually get their work done). Still couldn’t fire him. Then the new year came around, and he called in sick every Monday and Friday until he was out of sick time. Still couldn’t fire him. Then, he was 20 minutes late to a major customer meeting and told me, ‘Well, that part is just boring introductions anyway.” That retort happened in front of an executive, so then I got to fire him.

Of course, I have no backfill, so now I’m stuck doing 40 hours of his work each week instead of the usual 15, but that’s another letter.

Overall, he was a good reminder that you never have enough experience to eliminate your blind spots. I wanted Tom to succeed more than he did. I take that as a sign that I’ve been very lucky to have had almost entirely conscientious and well intentioned employees over the last decade.

I appreciate the comments warning me that I was allowing Tom to fail up, and they weren’t off-base. I think it’s clear to everyone, including me, that giving Tom a fun project was a mistake. But there is always more to a story than can be summarized in a quick update. First, the project was siloed independent work and required strict rule interpretation (Tom’s favorite), while Tom’s original job required constant teamwork and an appreciation for human nature. The entire team got along much better after the reassignment. They even started including Tom in informal team lunches and happy hours again.

Second, the special project assignment was not stolen from anyone more deserving. I advertised it broadly to my team, and no one else was interested. I had rearranged the team assignments when I took over, so everyone was settling into their new spots and didn’t have a desire to shake things up again so soon. I think if Tom wasn’t in the picture, I could have cajoled a high achiever into taking it on, and it would have benefited their career some. But I also respected the desire to keep their role limited until they gained more experience. I wish I’d been that wise early in my career, rather than frantically taking on increasing “visibility” until I was drowning.

Despite the team loathing Tom as a direct coworker, he was inexplicably popular as “the project guy.” I swear, Tom should start a career as a con artist. My team was pretty angry when I fired him (he had texted them the news before I even made it back to my office, so that was fun). I spent many 1:1s reassuring people that they weren’t about to be fired out of the blue, and we have a process that ensures no one is ever surprised by a performance-based termination. I somehow got through all this without making any sarcastic comments about how HR ensures it is virtually impossible to fire someone. It’s been a rough month, but I am excited about a few internal candidates who will likely apply to backfill Tom. Full circle moment — one of them is a mentee from another department who is doing “okay” there, but would be a great skills fit here.

The post update: telling a new employee he’s not cut out for the job appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/03/update-telling-a-new-employee-hes-not-cut-out-for-the-job.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37130