![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
my office has a wall of shame, coworker gets angry when we chew, and more
Dec. 5th, 2025 05:03 am![[syndicated profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/feed.png){kind=small}
askamanager_feedI’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.
1. My office has a wall of shame with the names of people who are late or out sick
My workplace has recently instituted a “wall of shame,” where the names of everyone who called in sick or was tardy are posted above the computer where employees clock in. The rumor mill has it that this is supposed to help us with our “accountability,” although no announcement has been made on the matter – it just appeared one day. My managers have some problems, but are generally pretty reasonable people when I approach them. How can I suggest this public shaming is a Really Stupid Idea without coming across like a whiner? (If it makes a difference in your answer, I’m never late myself. Also, perhaps shockingly, this isn’t a call center!)
A wall of shame is a stupid idea on its own, but including people who call in sick? What exactly are they being shamed for? Being sick? (This is even more outrageous if they’re using company-provided sick time, since people shouldn’t be shamed for using a benefit that’s part of their compensation package.)
Since no one has announced or explained it, why not ask about it? As in, “Can you explain what this list is about?” And then if it is indeed what it sounds like, ask, “Why are people being listed there for being sick?” … which should lead you to, “Is it possible to rethink whether this is the right approach? It signals that every unplanned absence or lateness is an incident of wrongdoing, when that’s not the case.. If someone has reliability problems, I’d hope it would be taken up with them directly, rather than everyone feeling that any instance is considered a problem.”
– 2014
2. Shirt sizes for conferences
I’m being positioned as something of a thought leader in our teapot supplier’s niche market — speaking at conferences, consulting for their clients, etc. This is good experience for me, and good business for my company.
The problem? At an annual conference, we were provided shirts by the vendor to identify ourselves as teapot experts. I am a size 0, and despite providing my size in advance, I was given a men’s small. I looked like a kid who had borrowed dad’s clothes, particularly since I am young (in my mid-twenties) anyway.
I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill, and had planned to simply emphasize my need for a smaller size when asked for my size next year. However, it came up recently that I am expected to wear my current shirt at a teapot event next week. I appreciate the teapot vendor’s desire for branding, but I also want to look professional when meeting peers and prospective clients. I would prefer it if I could stick with my normal business casual clothing that fits properly.
Is there a way to handle this? Should I just show up dressed normally as if I forgot? Address it directly? Suck it up and wear the shirt? The vast majority of teapot experts are men, so I get why it’s easier to just order one sizing line, but I still feel self-conscious when wearing it.
“I’d love to wear it, but I was swimming in the one I was given because it was men’s-sized. If you can get me a women’s small before the event, I’d be glad to wear it.”
If they push back and you to wear the ill-fitting one, you say pleasantly, “Oh, I really need one sized for a woman or it just doesn’t look professional. I can wear normal business clothes though if it’s not doable by then.”
And yeah, it’s annoying when they default to men’s sizes, which aren’t just larger but are also cut differently.
– 2015
3. My coworker gets angry when we chew
I have a coworker who has undiagnosed misophonia. She has never been formally diagnosed, and as I understand it, has never even mentioned it to her family doctor. But she hates chewing sounds so much that she actually had a verbal altercation with another coworker over his eating an apple.
Since that altercation (several years ago), everyone is on alert about eating at their desks. Some of us occasionally eat at our desks because of operational needs (teleconferences over lunch, temporarily heavy workloads, etc.), but now we are hyper-aware that nothing we eat should make crunching sounds. It’s so bad that if she even mentions to management that a new employee’s chewing is bothering her, that new employee will get moved to a different desk (to the inconvenience of the new employee, as well as IT, who has to move everything). If we chew audibly around her, she complains to our managers and we’re asked to stop. Most people will take their crunchy foods to a meeting room and eat there, but it’s not always easy to find an open room.
While I understand how maddening chewing sounds can be to her, there are things she can do to lessen her reaction to them — exposure therapy, talk therapy, white noise machines, medication, ear plugs, noise cancelling earphones, listening to music. Our workplace is all for accommodations when prescribed (and we do have policies around accommodations), but again, this is an undiagnosed condition, and she is not being asked to do anything to help alleviate her reactions.
Am I wrong to think everyone else should not be inconvenienced for one person’s sensitivities? If scents gave her migraines, I could understand requiring a scent-free workplace (which we also have). But for sounds? Is management handling this correctly, or are there other avenues they should/could be taking? I’ve made my stance known to management, but I still try to accommodate when I can in the spirit of team harmony.
I think it’s pretty unreasonable. I’m curious why they haven’t just moved your coworker to a more private area, rather than banning everyone around her from eating. And yes, she has options to alleviate the impact too, like headphones, as you pointed out. If she hasn’t even spoken with a doctor yet, finding herself in a verbal altercation with someone over eating an apple should have nudged her to do that.
I suspect that if you and a group of your coworkers pushed back more firmly — the as a group part is key here — and said, “We’ve tried to be accommodating, but this isn’t reasonable, we’re not able to eat when we need to, it’s not workable for us, and there are other solutions that would significantly lessen the impact of this,” you might make some headway. (You might also point out that “no one eats around the person” isn’t one of the accommodations that the Misophonia Institute or the Job Accommodation Network suggest workplaces use.)
– 2019
4. My former boss is still trying to manage me
I am a manager at an organization; I’ve been there almost 10 years. Back when I was at an assistant level, I reported to Fergus for about a year and a half. We we had an okay working relationship back then, but he had weird ways of asserting his authority (i.e., whenever he approved a day off, he’d also include a list of all the things I’d be missing while I was out — things that my teammates could cover, so it seemed he was trying to make me feel bad.) I was promoted to another department five years ago, and while we still worked near each other, we haven’t been working closely.
He recently changed jobs and now is in my department. He chose to make the switch, but he is no longer a manager. His job is different from mine, but he seems to think he is managing my work again. He’s making recommendations on projects I manage without being asked. Recently he offered to help with something our CEO asked me to work on. The way he asked was, “Have you done this yet? (It’s been a few days.)”
While the help is appreciated, the way he offered was by pointing out that it had been a few days since she made the request. The day after she made the request, there was a death in my family and I’ve been out of the office. I saw his note as I’m looking through my emails to prep to go back to work. How do I tell him I’m happy to work together on this project, but the CEO will come to me if she has a problem with my timeline, and it’s not his job to subtly point out my shortcomings?
If he asks you “have you done this yet?” about something that he doesn’t have standing to manage at all, respond with, “Why do you ask?” You can say this perfectly pleasantly and in a tone of genuine curiosity, but train him to see that you’re not going to respond to his requests the way you would a manager’s.
If he makes unsolicited recommendations for how you approach a project, say, “Thanks, I’ll think about it.”
If he offers help that you don’t want, say, “Thanks, I’ll let you know if that looks like it would be useful” or “Oh, I’ve got this, but thanks.” If you’d actually appreciate his help, accept it in a way that makes it clear you’re choosing to accept it — like, “Sure. I’m fine on X and Y, but I’d be happy to have you help with Z. Thanks for offering it.”
And if he makes subtle remarks about your timeline seeming insufficient to him, either ignore it (because his opinion doesn’t matter) or dryly say, “Jane’s in the loop on the timeline” or “I’ve got it covered, thanks.”
If you do this stuff, it’s likely that he’ll get the hint and you won’t have to have a big You Are Not My Manager conversation with him. But if you do this for a few weeks and he’s not backing off, you may need to do that. In that case, you could say something like, “Hey, I’m glad to be working with you again. I’ve noticed you’ve been critiquing my work and checking in on my progress. I’m happy to have any suggestions you feel are worthwhile, but ultimately I’m leading this area and don’t want either of us to inadvertently go back to the dynamic we had when I was reporting to you.”
– 2017
The post my office has a wall of shame, coworker gets angry when we chew, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
