Arduinna

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/how-can-i-be-more-assertive-at-work-2.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30568

I’m off today so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2017.

A reader writes:

Every since I was a small child I’ve been praised for how nice I am, how likable I am, how good I am with people. In many ways, this is a positive thing. I think of it as a skill that takes effort, but is very useful. However, as I’ve started working professionally I’ve run across a problem. I have a really hard time telling people when they are being awful. I can do normal job-related criticism fine – “please make sure you proofread for typos next time,” etc. – but when it comes to more emotionally turbulent conversations or anything with conflict, I completely freeze up. I have whole conversations ready to go in my head, but I can’t get them out because I know it will hurt people’s feelings and that goes against every fiber of my being, even though I know those people need their feelings to be hurt because they are being awful!

I want to move up in my field, and if I succeed in my goals I’ll end up being responsible for several hundred employees. Logically I know that even if people like me less in the moment, they’ll respect me more in the long run if I can have tough conversations and be firm when necessary, and the people that will resent me are people I don’t want to work with anyway, but how do I convince my mouth and my adrenaline that conflict isn’t something to be avoided?

For example, the last job I worked on, the supervisor directly above me either didn’t remember or didn’t care to know my name and instead called me “baby girl” the entire time. I thought about what to do and decided the next time he said it I would reply, “Actually it’s Jane,” which seemed like a clear shutdown without anyone who heard it being able to accuse me of overreacting as would happen if I said “that’s misogynistic, you asshole, enjoy dying alone with four ex wives who hate you,” which was my internal monologue. But when it happened, I just froze up, and couldn’t do it because my adrenaline started going crazy. How do I stop that or work through it and say what needs to be a said in a confident, non-panicky way without feeling like I’m going to die?

I work in an entry-level job a creative, heavily male-dominated field that is infamous for its sexism and its nepotism. It’s a giant part of the culture to rely on word of mouth, and hire people based on recommendations rather than resumes, so being liked and keeping professional relationships alive is a really important skillset, especially for a woman, but I don’t want to be treated like a doormat and I want to be a leader and it feels like this is holding me back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The crux of this is to figure out why calmly asserting yourself feels so rude to you.

It’s definitely true that lots of people have trouble navigating particularly awkward situations, but “hey, please call me Jane” is straightforward enough that the fact your adrenaline is firing so hard makes me think there’s something pretty deeply rooted happening here.

I’m curious about what type of communication you saw modeled in your family when you were growing up — and what lessons you learned about how you should talk to people. Any chance that the parent you identified most closely with wasn’t especially assertive on their own behalf either? Or that you were taught as a kid that things went more smoothly if you didn’t advocate for yourself? Or even that you were outright penalized for asserting yourself?

It might sound like overkill to suggest therapy, but what you’re describing speaks to fundamental ideas about your value and about what you are and aren’t allowed to bring to your interactions with other people. It might be worth digging into some of the underlying beliefs here with a therapist, who can help you figure out where you picked up these beliefs and how you can get rid of them.

But meanwhile — or if that sounds totally off-base to you — there are some concrete things you can do on your own as well.

First and foremost, it’s important to realize that the picture you have in your head of how these conversations will go is probably really different than how they’ll go in reality. Very, very few people are going to blow up if you say “Actually, please call me Jane” or “hey, can you turn your music down while I’m on this call?” Those aren’t inflammatory requests, and they’re not going to sound like attacks or like outrageously presumptuous demands. It might help to think about times you’ve seen other people make similar requests, and really focus on the reaction they received, which was probably not disgusted indignation or hostility. They probably received responses like “sure, sorry about that” or “yes, of course!” — and you will too.

Also, it’s worth thinking about the emotions you’re bringing to the situation. Sometimes when people are reluctant to address a problem, they let it go on for so long that their irritation builds and by the time they do speak up, they’ve become far more frustrated than the situation really warrants. That makes it feel like an even bigger deal in their minds, and they’re more likely to sound confrontational when they finally do say something. But if they’d just addressed it matter-of-factly when the problem first started, it never would have gotten to the point of feeling so adversarial. So speaking up sooner rather than later can actually help these conversations feel less fraught.

And speaking of things feeling adversarial: If you don’t have a lot of experience speaking up for yourself — or good models for how to do it effectively — your internal calibration for tone can be way off. You genuinely might not realize that these conversations can be calm and matter-of-fact, and that can be a huge problem because tone really matters! When you assume it’s going to be a Big Deal to the other person, and when it feels risky and emotionally fraught, or when you’ve let something go on so long that now you’re really pissed off about it, your tone is more likely to be confrontational. That makes the other person more likely to react accordingly … which then of course will reinforce your reluctance to speak up in the future.

But when you genuinely believe that what you’re saying is no big deal — that of course you have the right to ask to be called by the correct name or to ask someone to keep it down while you’re on the phone — your tone is more likely to sound calm, matter-of-fact, and even cheerful. And if it is, the other person is more likely to respond in kind.

If you know someone who gets this right — who calmly speaks up without coming across as a jerk — pay attention to how they do it and what kind of response they get. Plus, by paying attention to their tone, their wording, and their timing, you’ll be able to call on that model in the future when you need it.

One more thing to keep in mind: Most reasonable people actually want to know if they’re doing something that bugs you. Wouldn’t you be mortified if you found out that you’d been inadvertently annoying your coworker for months and she hadn’t told you? Most people would be. So from that perspective, it’s actually a kindness to speak up about this stuff (as long as you do it politely).

And of course, when it comes to people you manage, it’s much more than a kindness: if you avoid those conversations with them, it could end up affecting their performance, their evaluations, their raises, and their professional reputation. Most people want their managers to be up-front with them when those things are at stake.

Ultimately, though, when the potential for even mild conflict is causing this much worry, it’s almost certainly less about the specific conflict at hand and more about something a whole lot bigger. So really do think about therapy, as an investment not only in your career but in your quality of life too.

Originally published at New York Magazine.

Read an update to this letter here.

The post how can I be more assertive at work? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/how-can-i-be-more-assertive-at-work-2.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30568

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/customers-talk-about-our-sizes-boss-doesnt-want-my-husband-to-visit-me-on-a-work-trip-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30769

I’m off today. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Customers talk about our sizes

This question is for my coworker, Jess. We both work at a women’s plus-size clothing retailer (national chain) in the midwest. I do wear some clothes from here, but to most, I probably do not look like the average plus-size person. Jess is a little larger than myself. This is unfortunately relevant because customers try to relate to Jess in such ways like “Oh! You have a big butt you can help me [pick out something that would look good with my own big butt]” or “Oh, you get it with how big your hips are!” or the most common: “I’d rather you help me due to your size!” And recently there are new skinny jeans, which we are supposed to be promoting, and when Jess tells customers about them, they laugh at her for presumably suggesting that plus-size women can wear skinny jeans. They also have complained to her about other people who work here due to their size, such as Andrea, who is very slim and petite, and even our store manager, who wears some things from the brand but is more my size in that she doesn’t necessarily “pass” as a plus-size women.

Apparently these comments have happened before to coworkers who have since left and would more fit in to the “plus-size” image. I asked Jess if there was a certain demographic who give her comments like this since she said that she can tell who will say these things. She said it was mainly women in their 40s-50s.

I have not had any of these comments made to me. These are obviously putting a mental strain on Jess and making a thankless retail job even harder. I do not think she has spoken with the store manager, so I will today and our district manager is also visiting.

It sounds to me like the “I’d rather you help me due to your size!” comments capture what’s going on — that your customers feel particularly comfortable with Jess since she’s closer in size to them. My hunch is that the comments stem from the camaraderie and relief of shopping somewhere that actually caters to them, unlike a lot of other stores that ignore the fact that people come in a range of sizes. I don’t know that there’s anything she or the store could do to stop that without making customers feel unwelcome; it sounds like it may come with the territory, unfortunately.

But the store should give you all some guidance about how to handle customers who complain about smaller-sized women working there, even if it’s just to say that you all love fashion, regardless of size. (They should have better messaging than I do, but I’d imagine it would be something along those lines.)

– 2017

2. My boss is super excited that a coworker’s sibling is on The Voice

I have a coworker whose sibling is on The Voice. Their boss has been sending out emails about voting and supporting the contestant through to the next round. I like this coworker a lot, but the emails are kind of grating. I have a lot of causes I’d love to get our staff’s support on, but don’t think it’s appropriate to make the ask. I also see that it’s a big deal, and they’re excited about (rightly so!). But it’s also a slippery slope to constant asks from folks all over about all kinds of things.

In sum, I can see how you could argue this both ways. Which way would you argue this?

Their boss may see this as a thing for you all to bond around, create camaraderie, etc. There would be a stronger argument for that if it was your coworker herself who was on the show; it gets more tenuous when it’s her sibling. Still, though, in some offices, this could be a fun thing that people legitimately get into. And it’s unusual enough (in terms of the difficulty in getting on the show, and how high-profile it is) that I think your boss could reasonably feel like this isn’t opening the door to a cascade of more mundane requests. So I don’t think it’s outrageous that your boss is making it into such a thing (assuming, of course, that she’s not sending multiple emails a day about it).

That said, it’s potentially setting people up to feel like their own achievements aren’t given the same recognition as the achievements of someone who doesn’t even work there, and that’s something your boss should be sensitive to.

– 2018

3. My boss doesn’t seem to want my husband to visit me on a work trip

I recently started a new job (I’m in my second week). I relocated, and my husband and dog stayed behind for now. Come to find out I’m being sent on a work trip VERY close to them, about a one-hour drive. The hotel I’m staying at is dog-friendly, so I called and checked if I could separately pay any fees associated with pets, and they said yes. I’m so excited to see them!

As soon as I knew it was possible for this to happen, I went to my boss, who will also be on the trip, and asked/told him that in my free time after work is done, my husband would like to come to the hotel with my dog to meet me and I’d pay any associated fees. He reacted … weirdly? He started saying he doesn’t want to feel rushed through the day because someone is waiting for me. I assured him this would not be the case. He then said next time I should ask first, which is what I thought I was doing. I’m feeling rather emotional because I really miss my little family, but I’m not sure if I overstepped some sort of unspoken line here. Please help!

Do you know what your schedule is likely to be on this trip? If you’re just working days and won’t have work commitments in the evening, it’s really not your boss’s business. On the other hand, if it’s the kind of trip where you might be expected to do informal networking in the evenings, I can see him feeling like this isn’t ideal — because sometimes there’s an expectation that you’ll make yourself available during business travel if something comes up, like if there’s an unexpected opportunity to take a client to dinner. Your boss may just be worried that you’ll be less open to that kind of thing … but if that’s the case, he should say something like, “Your husband is welcome to stay in your hotel room with you, but this is a trip where we may work odd hours and may end up making last-minute plans with the client for the evenings. So your evenings may not be your own, and I can’t promise you’ll be able to keep any evening plans you make ahead of time.” That may be what he was trying to convey, though.

In any case, I think you could go back to him now and say something like, “I wanted to clarify that my husband meeting me at the hotel won’t in any way affect my availability. I’m there to work first and foremost, and I’ll be available whatever hours you need me while we’re there.”

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

4. How much noise is too much in an open office when you’re on the phone a lot?

I have a job that requires a substantial amount of time on the phone (probably averaging 15-20 hours per week on the phone, including short unscheduled calls, long project meetings, and occasional webinars). I work in a space which is primarily open-style – I have my own cube but it’s only semi-enclosed so voices carry pretty effectively throughout the space. There are offices around the perimeter, including a few set aside as swing spaces. So, it would probably be *possible* for me to use a closed office for every pre-scheduled call, preventing any of my nearby colleagues from having to hear my side of the call, but I really don’t want to spend a third (or more) of my day in the small, dark anonymous swing-space cubicles, without my nice desk setup, personal items, etc. Closed office space is hard to come by, and the organizational culture dictates that these spaces are reserved for people in higher-level jobs than mine, which I understand and am fine with overall (although these higher-level folks don’t typically have jobs that require much or any phone work).

I know you’ve come out against open-plan offices for this reason (among many), and you’ve recommended that denizens of open-plan offices take long calls in a conference room, but do I really have to spend this much time sitting in a dark, isolated cube? (As you may be able to tell, I’m an extrovert and strongly dislike being confined to such a small, depressing space.) Currently, I use the sad swing-spaces only for long calls where I know I’ll be doing most of the talking/presenting, and I do try to use my “inside voice” on the calls I take in my regular space – but a lot of my job revolves around relationship maintenance, so some of my calls are pretty friendly, informal, and involve laughter, which I also worry might annoy my colleagues (though no one has ever said anything about any of this and it’s been two years). Can I get a blanket ruling on how much phone conversation is too much in an open-plan office? And I wonder if any of your commenters have advice on how they’ve handled this situation?

I should add that my role is unique in my office; no one else (in real offices or cubes) spends any appreciable amount of time on the phone or in conversation with each other. So it’s definitely not a case where everyone is doing it and everyone deals with it – it’s just me making the noise!

There’s not one blanket rule for how much conversation is too much in an open office. It really depends on office culture, and I was all set to tell you that I’d pay attention to how others handle their phone calls until I saw in your last paragraph that there’s no one in a comparable situation.

Because of that, you might have more of a case for getting a more private workspace than you would otherwise. I know your office reserves them for people who are higher level, but you could point out that you have a unique situation no one else is in, where you’re disturbing others all the time. They might say no, but it wouldn’t be outrageous to ask.

But if that’s off the table … no, I don’t think you have to spend one third of your time in a small, dark, anonymous space. But given how much time you’re on the phone, is there any chance you could improve one of those small, dark, anonymous spaces? Make it nicer and more comfortable, so it’s easier to spend time there? Otherwise, though, just talk to the people who sit around you, acknowledge the situation, say you hate thinking you’re disturbing them, and ask if there’s anything they want you to do differently. Who knows, maybe you’ll hear that they mostly tune you out, or that it’s fine most of the time but not 3-5 every Tuesday because that’s when they need quiet the most, or something else that you didn’t realize. I don’t know what you’ll hear, but ask them directly and then go from there.

– 2019

5. Employee asked for a higher raise than I think she earned

I have an employee whose yearly review I am working to wrap up. After the initial review, we usually discuss a raise, based on what was discussed in the review. We typically would expect a 2-5% raise for this person. I got an email from her requesting a 13.15% raise. I don’t understand why it ends in .15% (it won’t make her hourly rate an even number) and she would be paid more than other folks in this role. Her work is good but not great, and she has bounced from a few teams in the last year or so. Her long-time duties at the front desk have not changed, so she really has gained a few more hours of work each week with new teams to gain more experience. I am not sure what to tell her since this feels so out of left field.

Ask her how she came up with that number! Maybe there’s something you don’t realize that she’s factoring in.

But if you consider the request and decide it’s not one that makes sense to grant, then you’d say something like, “I can offer you a raise to $X, which is based on your work this year and in line with what we pay other people doing this work. To earn a larger raise, I’d be looking to see ____.” Fill in that blank with specifics about what type of performance would warrant a larger raise. If nothing would, be up-front about that too. Basically, you want to explain how you landed at the number you’re offering her and what, if anything, could earn her more in the future.

The “I’d be looking to see ___ from you” part is really important, because it helps her understand what good versus great looks like, how performance is rewarded, and what expectations are and aren’t realistic in this job. It’s also better to help someone understand the path to where they want to go (or that that path doesn’t exist in their current role) rather than just giving a flat no.

– 2019

The post customers talk about our sizes, boss doesn’t want my husband to visit me on a work trip, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/10/customers-talk-about-our-sizes-boss-doesnt-want-my-husband-to-visit-me-on-a-work-trip-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=30769