how do I address a rumor that I don’t attend enough in-person events?
Oct. 8th, 2025 02:59 pm![[syndicated profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/feed.png){kind=small}
askamanager_feedA reader writes:
My company is technically hybrid, but my department is almost exclusively work from home, which has suited me.
This week, we’d been asked whether or not we’ll be attending an all-hands in person or on Zoom and I’d been really struggling with the decision. I like my coworkers, but I invariably get sick when I do in-person stuff and spent half of September audibly sick from the last in-person department meeting I attended. If I went, I planned to mask. The meeting was listed as being from 9 am – 1 pm and lunch is provided, but masking only works if you stay masked. That means I can’t eat or drink unless I’m outside and there’s no outdoor space at this location. Four hours in a mask without water guarantees a massive headache for me. Not ideal.
I contacted the organizer to get a little more information about the timing and activities because some things don’t work well on Zoom, and if we were wrapping up at noon with that last hour as a social lunch I could cope and just leave early. He said, “In your situation, it’ll probably work best for you to call in” so that’s what I decided to do.
This morning, I got a phone call from my manager, who is on vacation (always a good sign). He said they (I assume “they” is actually my grandboss, but I don’t know) “really want” me to attend in person. I took the hint, but was annoyed that they had asked us whether we wanted to show up, and then decided it was mandatory. Later today it became clear that no one had told the organizer that this was mandatory now, which made it feel like leadership was deliberately obscuring the change.
Then I had a call with a coworker/friend and she told me that she heard my avoiding in-person events “has been noticed.” It took me a bit to figure out what that could even mean. I went to two in-person events in August and said yes to a conference in another state where “vaccine” is a bad word — what more could they want? Eventually, we concluded that they must be talking about the corporate astrology workshop I declined (because ick, pseudoscience), the tour I’m skipping (because I used to work at that location and don’t need to spend four hours driving to see it again), and the upcoming all-hands. For the record, I have not been shy about why I declined the workshop or the tour, though I did keep it work-appropriate.
I feel that this is very unfair, though I can see how it looks, but the actual problem is that it wasn’t my manager who raised this issue with me. I don’t even know who “noticed.” But it feels like something I should address sooner rather than later, I’m just not sure how.
Should I raise this with my manager? I’m afraid it will be obvious who told me, and I don’t want to get that person in trouble. Or should I wait to see if he raises it with me? I’m concerned he won’t; he’s only been a manager for a year, and I don’t know yet how he handles difficult stuff. I’ve had a manager who didn’t tell me about problems until they became Problems before (and even then I had to twist his arm to get it out of him), and ideally I’d like to avoid that happening again.
I do plan to politely tell him that I don’t think this change was handled well. If they want us to come in, just say so. Don’t pretend to give us the option, or “strongly encourage” us and then hold it against us if we decline.
I don’t think it’s necessarily clear that attending the all-hands in person is mandatory for everyone — it sounds like it’s generally optional, but the message was being passed along to you specifically that they’d like you to attend in person, presumably because they’ve noticed you haven’t been attending as many things in-person as they want.
And who knows who “they” is here — maybe it’s your manager, maybe it’s his boss, maybe it’s both of them.
Normally I’d say to be wary of putting too much weight on something you hear about third-hand — your coworker’s mention that she’s heard your not attending things in person “has been noticed” — but it matches up pretty well with the rest of the facts, so it’s likely correct.
Still, though, it doesn’t make sense to try to sort through this without talking to your boss about it more directly.
I get that you don’t want to out your coworker for confiding in you, but you don’t have to mention that at all. You can simply say, “I wanted to ask you more about our conversation about me attending the all-hands in person. I do attend some things in person, like the two events in August and the conference in X, but I try to be judicious about what I go to because I frequently get sick when I’m around large groups — I spent a couple of weeks sick after the last in-person department meeting. I can mask, of course, but it’s hard to do all day or when there’s a meal involved. We’d been told attending the all-hands in-person was optional and Francois confirmed that when I checked with him, so your request that I be in-person made me wonder if you have any concerns about how I’m managing in-person vs. remote more broadly.”
Don’t get sidetracked by “if they want us to come in, just say so / don’t pretend it’s optional” — because, again, it sounds like it probably is optional for most people and they’re just asking you in particular to be there. Focus on what’s behind that.
The post how do I address a rumor that I don’t attend enough in-person events? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
Swooping magpie plucks earphone from cyclist's ear
Oct. 8th, 2025 01:55 pmmetafilter_feedLet's Not Make a Deal
Oct. 8th, 2025 12:50 pmmetafilter_feedYou can sign the petition against "compacts" at the link. I think it's pretty clear at this point that a fully united stance against federal government lawlessness is the ONLY way forward, hopefully University presidents realize this too.
The Dawn of Commons-Based Peer Production
Oct. 8th, 2025 11:32 ammetafilter_feedWe might take this for granted, but it wasn't a foregone conclusion thirty five years ago. There were powerful forces that wanted open source to lose. Some believed in the open source model but didn't think it could ever compete with closed source. Many categories of tools only existed as closed source. A Microsoft CEO called open source cancer—a decade before Microsoft has rebuilt its empire around it. The open source movement may not have lived up to the ideals of the "free software", but it won in industry adoption. Nobody gets fired for choosing open source these days. For much crucial software, open source is now the default. I believe we are at a similar juncture with social apps as we have been with open source thirty five years ago. There's a new movement on the block. I like to call it "open social". There are competing visions for what "open social" should be like. I think the AT Protocol created by Bluesky is the most convincing take on it so far. It's not perfect, and it's a work in progress, but there's nothing I know quite like it... In this post, I'll explain the ideas of the AT Protocol, lovingly called atproto, and how it changes the relationship between the user, the developer, and the product. I don't expect atproto and its ecosystem (known as the Atmosphere) to win hearts overnight. Like open source, it might take a few decades to become ubiquitous. By explaining these ideas here, I'm hoping to slightly nudge this timeline. Despite the grip of today's social media companies, I believe open social will eventually seem inevitable in retrospect—just like open source does now. Good things can happen; all it takes is years of sustained effort by a community of stubborn enthusiasts. So what is it all about? What open source did for code, open social does for data.You can just hack on ATProto - "Bluesky is both a decentralized protocol, called AtProto and a social media company, called Bluesky plc that develops both the protocol and one of the Apps running on the protocol, Bluesky."
There is a lot more in the AT Protocol Paper, but the basics are this:also btw... This is for Everyone — Tim Berners-Lee's manifesto for a better online world - "The World Wide Web inventor criticises the 'rage bait' of algorithms and social media — and advocates tighter user control of personal data."The TL; DR is that you can think of the At Proto Atmosphere as a collection of databases, or, really, websites, that the relay indexes and turns into the firehose. Data is then filtered on the firehose side for CSAM and other logic, before it’s turned into an AppView. The AppView is what you see if you sign into
- Data for each user is hosted individually in a PDS - a personal data store - which is a database storing a collection of records that are cryptographically signed and encoded in DAG-CBOR format. The record schema is defined by a "lexicon", which is dependent on the type of data being transferred. The records themselves are stored in a merkle search tree structure which makes it easy to rebalance records efficiently both on read and write. Its default storage engine is SQLite.
- Each user has a PDS, exposed as a web service to network indexers. There is an indexer, the relay, which "scrapes" but really hits all the PDSes in the network for updates. Right now there is only one true relay, run by Bluesky the company, and there is a lot of debate around what that means for a decentralized network and efforts to diversify and decentralize. To better get a sense for how the data model works, you can play around with this tool, which is what I spent a lot of time doing during this project.
bsky.app.If this sounds familiar, it's because it's how web crawlers, including Google work, with the exception that their crawled results are not available to everyone for access. Steve has a very nice write-up of all of this, with a beautiful ascii diagram. Al(most) all of the data streaming through each person's PDS is public, and enables the creation of projects like the Bluesky firehose as a screensaver, or goodfeeds, surfacing feeds across the network., or TikTok and Instagram-like apps. As you can imagine, the protocol then lends itself to a lot of nice experimentation (make sure to check the TOS/Developer guidelines before you do so).
Whatever his accomplishments, the British inventor is also acutely anxious about the social ills that have mushroomed online — most notably the erosion of institutional trust, political polarisation and the mental health crisis afflicting the young. To his credit, the 70-year-old Berners-Lee is still fighting to preserve the web's original promise, which, he argues, has been despoiled by malign users, rapacious corporations and authoritarian governments. Part memoir, part manifesto, Berners-Lee's chirpy book This Is For Everyone is both an engaging history of the origins and evolution of the web and an ingenious road map for how we can reclaim control over our digital lives. His big idea, which has now become his latest personal obsession, is to restore data sovereignty to every individual by redesigning the web. To that end, he has launched a new protocol and founded a start-up to help return ownership of data to users.Low-risk defi can be for Ethereum what search was for Google - "Google is often criticized for losing its way and becoming like the antisocial profit-maximizing corporations that it sought to replace. Ethereum has decentralization baked in at a much deeper technical and social layer, and I would argue that the low-risk defi use case creates a lot of alignment between 'doing well' and 'being good', to a degree that does not exist for advertisement. By 'low-risk defi' I include both the basic function of payments and savings, and well-understood tools like synthetic assets and fully collateralized lending, and the ability to exchange between these assets."[1,2,3]
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Fanfic: Uncle Spester
Oct. 8th, 2025 01:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
veronyxk84 posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
fan_flashworksFandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Author:
veronyxk84Characters/Pairing: Buffy/Spike
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: some coarse language
Word count: 100 (Google Docs)
Spoilers/Setting: Set in a post-series future where Buffy and Spike are an established couple.
Summary: Buffy and Spike are decorating their house for Halloween as a treat for their niece Joyce (Dawn’s daughter).
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction created for fun and no profit has been made. All rights belong to the respective owners.
Challenge: #493 - Garden
Also for: Carve by
anythingdrabble, End in -ay by 100words, Melodramatic + Uncle + Wednesday by sweetandshort —
( READ: Uncle Spester )
Amperslash, and new B5 fic
Oct. 8th, 2025 12:03 amsholioamperslashexchange, which I will try to add to over the next few days! Fandom selections are unsurprising.Completely unrelated to that or Whumptober, I posted something new for Babylon 5 over on AO3 just now: Balance in Duty, a slightly canon-divergent missing scene for 5x06 "Strange Relations," in which I lean into the episode's completely averted presumed-dead potential.
A good mix of apocalypse and Looney Tunes
Oct. 8th, 2025 07:02 ammetafilter_feedMore recent articles about Thomas Pynchon [new book, Shadow Ticket, published this week, and One Battle After Another still in the theatres] The Nobel Prize for Literature is awarded on Thursday, Oct 9. Pynchon is running at 11/1 odds
HR says I can’t use sick leave for a family emergency, coworker won’t do his work, and more
Oct. 8th, 2025 04:03 amaskamanager_feedIt’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. HR says I can’t use sick leave for a family emergency
Recently, “life happened” and I took a day off from work because I needed to take care of some things and I wasn’t feeling mentally well. I emailed work in the morning and said that a family emergency came up so I needed to take a sick day. That seemed like the most honest description of what was happening at the time without giving too much detail.
When I returned to work the next day, I submitted for sick leave. HR emailed me asking for details, saying that sick leave is provided for employees’ illness or injury, and that for other situations we need to use PTO. In hindsight, now I know that I should have just said I was feeling under the weather — but in this situation, how would you recommend replying to HR for the best chance of being approved for sick leave?
Yeah, the problem is that once you said it was for a family emergency, you conveyed that it wasn’t actually in the “sick leave” category. Now that you’ve said it, I don’t think you can really backtrack. Just know in situations like that going forward, you should say you’re not feeling well.
(There are some employers that will take a more expansive view of sick leave, but HR is telling you pretty clearly that yours isn’t one of them.)
Related:
what do I say when I’m calling in sick for a mental health day?
2. My coworker won’t do his work and we get stuck with it
I work in a front-facing position with one other person on shift with me. Most of my coworkers are great but “Bill” drives me crazy. He doesn’t split the work 50/50 like we’re supposed to and the work that he does do is slipshod to the point where customers and employees in other roles complain about him. I end up shouldering a lot more work on days he works. We have talked to him about where he needs to improve but he just brushes us off. Management is aware but for some reason has not intervened.
My problem is when I work with Bill, I find it really hard to stay calm when non-Bill-related problems happen. I catch myself getting aggravated with other employees and customers because I’m already in a crummy mood. Obviously I don’t lash out but I get impatient and crabby in ways that aren’t fair to these people. I know it’s Bill-related because when I’m scheduled with other employees I take things in stride easily.
We don’t have enough staff for me to be scheduled away from Bill permanently and even if we did, no one would want to be the permanent Bill babysitter. So how can I keep an even keel when working with a frustrating coworker?
What would happen if you stopped covering for Bill? Stop doing his share of the work; when customers complain about him, let them know you’ll share their complaint with your manager; and when employees in other departments complain about him, tell them they should talk to Bill’s boss. Right now your management doesn’t need to act because you and your coworkers are shouldering all the burden of mitigating Bill’s problems. The more you decline to cover for him, the more it will become their problem rather than yours.
That’s easier said than done, but it’s likely to be the most effective option if repeated conversations with your boss haven’t worked.
To your question about staying calm when Bill-related problems happen: if every time there’s a Bill problem, it gets dumped on management, hopefully it’ll be less aggravating — and you can remind yourself that the more that pile grows, the more likely they will be to eventually do something about it.
3. Mandatory ridiculous training videos from IT
I’m wondering if you think it’s worth pushing back on something our IT department has recently started requiring of us. We have to watch a 10-minute video every two weeks. It’s an ongoing story that’s a dramatization of a business getting inflitrated by a fake IT guy and becoming the target of corporate espionage. Doesn’t sound too bad, but here’s the thing: we’re a K-12 private school, not a corporate environment. I’m totally baffled by what they want us to learn from these videos and they feel like a complete waste of time. They’re also full of very technical jargon that most of us don’t understand.
So far we’ve had to watch two of the videos and at the end we can rate them and leave a review, but I don’t know if that review gets read by our IT department or just goes to the company that makes the videos. I’ve left polite but honest reviews both times saying I’m not clear on what I’m supposed to be learning from the videos.
If it were any other department at our school, I’d feel fine pushing back, but the faculty has had a contentious relationship with the head of IT that has only recently become more amicable. He’s done a lot of other irritating things in the past, like getting our student devices to us weeks late, which played havoc with our lesson plans; auto-blocking every website with the word “game” in it without warning, which blocked a lot of educational sites some of us use on a daily basis; refusing to send techs to us when we need help, instead insisting children as young as five carry their devices to the IT office across the campus; requiring very complicated unique passwords for young children who can’t even type yet, so they forget their passwords or type them in wrong all the time and get locked out, etc.
I’ve also heard rumors he’s done some more egregious things, like having a list of teachers he finds annoying so he puts their tickets last in order of priority, and making some misogynist comments about his female staff members. But none of this has been enough to fire him, so the general sense is that for some reason or another, the head of school or the school board won’t fire him. Not that I think these videos would be cause for firing, but just to give a picture of the circumstances we’re dealing with here as it factors into deciding whether to push back or not.
I’m pretty sure it’s futile to speak up about this, but every time a new email comes barking at us to watch the video, I get pissed off all over again. So if I say something, maybe I’ll stop being pissed off because at least I tried, but I might risk riling up more tension between faculty and IT again. What do you think?
Eh, I’d leave it alone. Keep sending your polite feedback since they’re asking for it, but it sounds like this is the least of the problems with this guy! If you want to complain about something, the issues in your third paragraph are much more worth escalating (so are the issues in your fourth paragraph, but it sounds like you’ve only heard rumors about those).
For what it’s worth, I don’t think the issue with the videos is so much that you’re a school, but rather than people don’t understand the language in them and it’s not clear what the outcomes are supposed to be. Those would both be worth bringing up under normal circumstances — especially the unclear language — but it’s not worth the energy and capital in the situation you described.
4. Should you accrue PTO during paid parental leave?
My husband gets 10 weeks of paid paternity leave, and we just found out that he will not be accruing PTO during that time. On one level, that seems fair, he isn’t actually working, but on another level, I’ve always viewed parental leave as something that occurs on top of your normal compensation. What do you think?
It’s up the employer, but it’s pretty typical to do it that way. It’s similar to how at many companies you don’t accrue PTO if you’re on unpaid leave. This happens to be paid leave, but it’s not coming out of his PTO bank — he’s using a whole separate bank of leave that’s a specific paid paternity benefit. If he were using his own PTO for the time, then sure, but I don’t think it’s outrageous that he won’t accrue PTO while getting 10 weeks of completely separate paid parental leave.
A different way to look at it: say he normally gets, I don’t know, 20 PTO days a year, so he accrues 0.38 PTO days per week. That means that in a normal 10-week period, he’d accrue 3.8 PTO days — versus the 50 paid days he’s getting during parent leave. He’s still coming out way ahead.
5. I was rejected for an internal job and now it’s been reposted
I applied for a government job as an internal candidate. After a first round interview, I was told they had to repost the position due to a lack of candidates. A few months ago by, the job is reposted, and I am invited to a second round interview. I was an extremely strong candidate for this position, and was told twice by the hiring manager I was a top candidate. To my surprise, I did not receive an offer. The hiring manager told me I was a strong candidate and to look out for other jobs she would be posting soon.
Today, three weeks later, I see this job has been reposted! There is one additional bullet point to the job description that’s inconsequential.
I’m worried about what factors went into my rejection now that I see the job has been reposted. Is it worth following up with the hiring manager, noting the new job posting and requesting any constructive feedback on why I wasn’t chosen?
I am a bit concerned my rejection could have something to do with the fact that I have an accommodation to work from home full-time. This was not discussed in the interview, but could be surmised based on my calendar.
Yes, you should follow up with the hiring manager. You were a strong candidate but for some reason they’ve reposted the position and not hired anyone? It’s possible there’s a reason that would make sense if you knew it — like you were strong in X and Y ways but she’s realized she also needs someone strong in Z (although government hiring is so regimented that if that were the case, it should have been in the job description, and especially in the revised one).
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your WFH accommodation is the real reason. If that’s the case, she might not tell you. But it’s reasonable to ask for feedback.
The post HR says I can’t use sick leave for a family emergency, coworker won’t do his work, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
Whumptober Day 5: Dream Journal | Phobia
Oct. 7th, 2025 07:28 pmsholioQuivering | Dream Journal | Phobia
Babylon 5, post-canon, Londo, gen (700 wds)
This is the one I was having trouble with a few days ago. Set in some kind of nebulous fixit universe.
( 700 wds under the cut )
These are so impeccable, I barely believe they are real
Oct. 8th, 2025 02:57 ammetafilter_feedYes, I am editorializing in the FPP, but, I mean, just look at these things! Don't they flabber your gast? I found stories about the show in what seem to be relatively credible sources, so I assume it actually took place.
Accidental treasure hunters want to send ancient Buddha statue home
Oct. 8th, 2025 01:07 ammetafilter_feedI'm definitely making this again. and again. and again!
Oct. 8th, 2025 12:39 amtrobadoraProportions: 250ml milk / 25g Ritter Sport Peppermint.
Just put the chocolate into the milk and heat in the microwave in short bursts, stirring thorougly in between, until it's entirely melted. (It pays to use a glass and not a porcelain mug, so you can see whether it's fully incorporated. *g*) Add a little sweetener to taste. YUM. :D
Armadillos are native to the Americas, but this one is Scottish
Oct. 7th, 2025 09:16 pmmetafilter_feedHow did a 2nd Century Roman headstone wind up in a New Orleans backyard?
Oct. 7th, 2025 08:37 pmmetafilter_feed"It's a really useless life skill, but I seem to have it"
Oct. 7th, 2025 07:03 pmmetafilter_feedSilksong: Act 2, Citadel of Song, part 1
Oct. 7th, 2025 07:56 pmschneefinkI finally got to the first ending (could have done it earlier but now felt like a good time) and that seems like a good point to post, uh, 9.5k of notes about my playthrough.
( Act 2: Citadel of Song. Part 1 )
it takes me longer to do my work — why can’t I opt out of overtime pay?
Oct. 7th, 2025 05:59 pmaskamanager_feedA reader writes:
I have worked in the evolving field of IT all of my four-decade career. Most of my jobs have been exempt from overtime, while my last few tech support / help desk positions have been non-exempt. I’ve always been a slower (and I think, more thorough) worker who needs more time to get my work done and who has no problem working late, even most evenings, to get the job done.
This has been fine in my exempt positions, as I’ve had freedom to work as many hours as I want / need, and supervisors have mostly been quite pleased with my work. In my first couple of non-exempt roles, I would still work longer hours but leave the hours beyond 40 off of my time sheets, unless management had requested something special — and this worked out well, too.
However, in my last non-exempt role, it came to my supervisor’s attention that I was working more than 40 hours a week, and he told me that this must stop. I countered that I don’t mind doing it, and since I leave the extra hours off my time sheet, it doesn’t cost the company anything. But he said I could not do that any longer, as it was a misrepresentation, and that overtime pay would not be approved.
Consequently, I started completing fewer tasks each day and was placed on a performance improvement plan where the main focus was to improve my time management and multi-tasking ability. I was able to make some improvement, but it was deemed insufficient and I was terminated for not meeting the job requirements.
I understand that the letter of the law means that all hours over 40 in one week must be paid at time and a half for non-exempt positions, but many employers will not approve it or might approve for a couple of extra hours but not more, and then look the other way for employees who need more time to complete their work and so leave the rest off their time sheets. Honestly, I’d rather work the extra hours without additional pay, which I did all the time when I was in exempt positions, than be terminated for not meeting job requirements.
So in some cases such as this, I believe the overtime labor laws can be unfair, and that workers should have the right to opt out. What do you think of this?
The problem is that if you give workers the right to opt out from overtime pay requirements, you’ll immediately have situations where they’re pressured to do that by their employers.
In your case, it sounds as if you’d genuinely choose to opt out via your own free will, but many, many people would not and would still end up pressured by their employers to do it anyway. And the more in need of paying work someone is, the more vulnerable they’re likely to be to that pressure.
That’s why the law doesn’t make it optional. And that’s why any responsible employer needs to do what your last one did and tell you that you can’t work unauthorized overtime even if you don’t mind it. They’re still liable for paying you for those hours, even if you try to explicitly excuse them from it. Legally, they’re required to pay you the overtime whether you want it or not … and they could end up paying fines and penalties down the road if they don’t.
In your situation, it sounds like you are really well-suited for exempt positions where you can work additional hours without it triggering mandatory overtime pay, and those are the positions you should look for.
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